Posted: Jan 15, 2008, 3:04 PM CST
If there is one thing that keeps me believing in a god, it’s seeing people who have changed…
from bitter to happy, from self-centered to loving, from lazy to motivated, from reckless to concerned,
Being the pragmatist I am, abstract reasoning is a bit lofty for me. I have found certain truths in life.
Being kind to others does not make others kind toward you. Being cruel to others does not make others cruel toward you. We see it daily in high schools. The meanest girls are often the most popular, have the most things, get the opportunities, get the success. etc. We see it more in the real world.
I see a man who was a drinker, a drugger, a selfish and reckless man. He hurt others and cared not for the consequence or pain he caused. He was bitter toward the world. The world owed him something. Life’s unfair. Who cares. Why bother.
He was angry. He was resentful. He was cynical. He was indignant. until…
he wasn’t.
For no particular reason, and not due to any particular circumstances, or crisis, or supernatural phenomenon, or intervention, he changed.
I can sit and peruse the psychology books all day long reading theories of personality development.
And there is no practical answer.
X personality + Y circumstances doesn’t = enlightenment.
It’s frustrating to not have the answer. I consider myself a decent person, but I could definitely use some attitude adjustment. I could be more motivated, take initiative more. I could be less lazy, less skeptical. I definitely be less passive and more assertive. But every time I try to enforce these things into myself, I can’t seem to stick with it. I actually have had more luck dieting than I have being a good person.
I want my enlightenment and I can’t figure out the scientific method of acquiring it.
I went and sat in the woods and waited on it, but all I got was cold.
I went to a church and kneeled at the alter, and all I got was sore knees.
I read, and researched, and wrote. I’ll probably end up with carpel tunnel.
I got in a funky yoga position. I stared at a candle. I contemplated a proverbial riddle. I hauled water.
And I can’t find my enlightenment.
I’m not jealous of the reformed druggie criminal who found his enlightenment. In fact, I’d have to say I’m happy for him.
But I want mine too.