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i have recently posted a situation on th forums. if 2 people were together for 21 + years and have 3 teenage kids together and life seems good no money problums nor drama from thier kids , but the wife was having an affair for 4+ years with someone that was close to thier family , the husban found out on his own and it seems that he was willing to forgive her for all that she has done , she is`nt a really bad person she has taken care of thier kids and was always there for him , for him he has always done everything that he could to make things as happy as posible for his family and did`nt know what had taken place . now that he has found out and she stopped seeing the other guy what should thay do to try to make things right .......tas if there both willing to try. or is he blinded by love and should let her go.

For you to post the same thing on two different threads... must be serious.


If you are the one in this mess , then you decide if to forgive her or move on. It's all up to you, don't rely on us to tell you what to do.




Well, If someone cheated on me for 4 yrs, i wouldn't justify it!!! She has no respect for you or herself.

Why 2 different threads?

Because it's dead serious.

My ex-father-in-law who's now been married for 57 years had an affair for over 20 years. They are still together.
I could not, would not accept it. Like someone said, no respect. I'd have no respect for myself if I forgave that. I would not forgive it even if was just one time. JMO.

Yeah.. I couldn't accept that either.. I would be heartbroken if I thought it had been going on all that time and I had had no idea..

It makes you think back over all that time.. and all the funny little things that now seem to make so much more sense. Personally.. I would feel totally betrayed.. and that would be the end of it for me.

(been there done that)


But as Luscious says... You can't let other people decide this kind of thing for you..

You know the situation and the feelings involved better than anyone else.


Good luck

Claire, seems like you practically live in the Forums....what time is it in your neck of the woods?

WELL... I went to bed.. kind of..

then got back up to come and get a drink .. and got sidetracked.

Oh.... and its almost 3am

(and I have to be up at 7.15am)... I'm not a big sleeper.

I wouldn't forgive or forget such a betrayal; 4 long years and she and this other man were sneaking behind this poor man's behind and you call that a good woman? In another geographical location in today's day and age might I add, they would both be history, and you are still having doubts about continuing? Do yourself a favor, or tell your friend, to get his priorities and loyalty straight with himself, before anyone else can and will respect him. I know it isn't easy, it must hurt like hell, but you know something, shit happens for a reason, and your friend at least knows who's with him and who isn't.

I would think, after four years, one could develop some semblance of a conscience. Maybe it just takes some longer than others.

and had he not found out on his own of her infidelity, how much longer would he have lived this lie? with a so called friend too? It really doesn't get any worse.

Everyon's different. I have a one strike you're out policy. My wife and I were together for 13 years, but she destroyed a level of trust that can never be regained, so as much as it hurts, it's over, we'll never have that back again.

If another man can get past that, more power to him.

I agree!

I totally agree... that's exactly how I see it too.

Thanks, I've been told it's insensative but I wasn't the one who had the affair.

My conscience is clean.

Claayer, go to bed sweetie. Happy Valentine's Day. It's not that time here yet.

Not hitting on Claayer, she's just really nice.

Ultimately, this is your decision to make, and what route you choose will to many degrees, determine the course of your life from this point.

If I had a friend who came to me with this scenario, (just based on what I know from your paragraph, which isn't really much), I would support him/her either way.

If they wanted to leave, I would support them in doing so. Adultery and infidelity is a valid reason for dissolving the relationship in most religions and legalities, as well as generally being a valid reason on a moral level. I wouldn't blame them for wanting to leave, and I would support them in doing so in the most civil and painless manner possible.

If they wanted to stay, I would understand wanting to mend the damage and move forward, practice forgiveness, and begin working as a team once again. Though I would recommend counseling of some sort for the couple, and a lot of education on communication styles.

Because when someone cheats, they do so for a reason.
If she cheated, it is her fault, but if reconciliation is on the menu, it's crucial to move beyond fault and into the reason.

Good luck in making your decision. I hope you continue to seek out feedback and guidance during your dilemma.

For the record, if I were cheated on, I would leave.

Lots of marital relationships survive infidelity in its various forms, and while I think the above example is one of the more serious ones.. I think it is possible to forgive for the sake of saving something which is much bigger than the indiscretion (to put it mildly)... I think they would definitely need counselling to get to the route of what caused the person to stray in the first place.. it won't have happened without reason.. they could have been together from a young age.. she (the wife) could have felt undervalued, unsexy and underappreciated.. who knows I do know though that if there is a slight chance that a marriage of that vintage could be saved then I would hope that they at least try...

My Uncle and Aunt survived infidelity.. she was having doubts because he had a problem with drink and she strayed briefly.. the thought of losing her forced him to change his ways (join AA) and now they are like two teenagers in love.. they will surely grow old together..