Posted: Mar 1, 2008, 8:41 PM CST
MENTAL HEALTH HELPLINE
In an effort mitigate the stressful conditions under which our employees work, company personnel are encouraged to utilize this resource by following the recorded instructions below, and remember, you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Helpline;
* If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* To get in touch with your “Inner Child”, press 006.
* To get in touch with your “Inner Psychopath”, press 666.
* If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are, stay on the line until we trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
* For schizophrenia, listen carefully for a small voice to tell you which number to press.
* If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia press 8 & state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, mother's maiden name, blood type and GPS coordinates.
* If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly press 0 - 0 - 0.
* If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you are suicidal, please specify the caliber of bullet you prefer.
* If you have low self esteem, hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk to the likes of a worthless, pathetic, needy little parasite like you!
Management is working hard to bring you the best benefits like this one. If you don’t like it, eat shit.