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Well I guess that I thought people knew me a little better from my previous posts then they seem to. I don't condone cheating, as I have said many times in the past... what I did do is give a point of view other then the one that was predominant in the thread.... that of lecherous scheming women out to destroy everyone's happiness. (see thread "why do women go after married men")

I didn't go into a lot of detail about my situation because I try not to make excuses for the bad choices or incorrect decisions that I have made in the past, and I honestly thought people would consider the previous posts I have made and know that there was more to the story and not be so harsh in their judgement. At this stage I don't know why I care or why I feel I need to post the entire story, but I thought I had made some pretty good friends here and so will take a minute to fill out the details. My initial reaction was to leave, but I'm not going to let narrow minded judgemental people dictate what I do... and besides there's a new boatman in the picture.

My marriage lasted only 2 years and for the last 18 months of it my husband rejected me physically. I don't know how many of you know what it feels like to put your arms around your spouse and have them physically push you away, or to reach up to kiss them and have them pull away from you... but if you don't know, I can tell you that it's devastating. Your spouse, the one who is supposed to love you more then anyone, can't stand to touch you, to make love to you... my god you must be the least desirable person in the world. At the age I am now and with the experience and confidence I've gained over the years I hope I would realize that it was his problem and not mine... but I married at 21, he was 32 and I thought there had to be something wrong with me.

After the divorce I was a single parent with a two year old and a high school education, I knew I could never get the kind of job or income I needed to raise her unless I went back to school. Well university is normally a great time in a persons life filled with fantastic social opportunities and lots of fun. Not so much for a single mom trying to graduate in 3 years instead of 4 and also working as a waitress and bartender to pay the bills. Sure I could have gone on welfare but the way I was raised I didn't consider it to be an option, my self esteem was already so low... if I had gone on welfare it would have dropped even lower.

By being so busy and focused I never made myself available to my classmates and other students, but at the time I didn't realize that... again something was wrong with me because no one talked to me or invited me to parties or asked me out on dates. I knew I didn't have the time to get involved with anyone, but it would have been so nice if someone had asked. My perception at the time was "I am unattractive and no one would want to be with me..." hell my own husband couldn't stand to touch me... once again my self esteem took another huge dip.

Continued...


So one afternoon while waitressing a customer called me beautiful, I must have lit up like a Christmas tree to have someone find me attractive... I stayed after work and had a coffee with him and we talked. He said he traveled extensivly on business but came through my town 3 or 4 times a month and would love to see me when he was there. I was overjoyed, someone wanted to spend time with me, but it wouldn't complicate an already hectic and demanding life. We dated a few times and then it quickly turned to a hotel room when he was in town. I was able to manage that, my daughter was at gymnastics for two hours after I got off work, and while I usually would have been doing homework or housework during that time, a few times a month I could handle.

I saw him for about 7 months before I found out he was married and my biggest mistake was not ending the relationship when I found out. It was so easy to rationalize... I didn't want to take him from her, I didn't want anything more then what I had, it was so good to feel desired and beautiful... there was no way for her to find out, how could it hurt her if she never knew? Eventually the guilt came between us and I ended the relationship about 5 months later.

I know now that this was a man very adept at seeing weakness's in women and very good at exploiting those weakness's, but I also am aware that I acted incorrectly in not ending things sooner. It happened and that is the reality of it, I don't make excuses and accept that I could have hurt someone badly, but I also know that one act does not make me a bad or unworthy person and if people take the time to view the entire situation there is often more to it then meets the eye.

hey jb
i dunno what happened earlier im just able to step in for a moment
but i have alot of compassion for how you are feeling.

there seems to be a very live in the moment quality here as of late
not much 'big picture' regarding peoples character
the exchanges arent about character
or getting to realllly know one another much.

i appreciate your sharing this
weve all had experiences
learned and grown-
well most of us
and when we have a little time past
we are so much the better for it

i so believe all that stuff is for sharing
and giving insight and comfort to others

people here arent looking for the deep share
but that will change
as the only constant is change
so mathematically-it will shift again.


sorry you felt 'defensive'
try to remember my motto hon

fekem

its reasonably effective for self preservation.
wearing armor in here sux-
but its just not bikini season at the moment

Jacquie.

I don't think you have to convince anyone of anything, you know who you are and what you're worth...and the people who KNOW you know it.

I know you're one of the most amazing women have met here, I admire you for many reasons, and you just gave me one more.

We are not perfect, NOBODY is, but admiting our faults gets us closer to that perfection girl...

I grew up with a great example, really, my parents rocked...great looking couple, smart, succesfull people...everybody envied us, for the family we had...yet nobody knew....despite of my dad being deeply in love with my mom he always cheated on her....and I knew it, and she knew it, I even went to spend holidays with my dads lover...I know my mom suffered, and they split when she couldnt take it anymore...it took me a while to forgive her, yes...HER...cause I couldn't believe after all those years she will leave him for THAT reason...after she put up with it for so long...I have never...EVER...dated a married guy or someone who is comitted in any way...I have REASONS...and that's me...but you got caught up in it...I dont know what tomorrow may bring, I know my convictions are clear, but you can never know...and that's no reason to judge a person...some of my friends have been the other one... and they are my friends and I love them and that's NEVER gonna change...

So, head up girlie...we ALL know who you are...

I don't know what the responce was on the other thread, but everyone makes mistakes, and has misjudgments. for all kinds of reasons. And in general I think people who see others as going after the married or engaged (in my case) person. they feel that there rubbing it in or trying to that they are better then you. Or there just plain selfish.
But I guess in some cases it's just a mistake.

I left my fiancee to take care of some issues, while I was gone another women stepped in and tried taking him over, he started to pull away from her and was talking to me on the phone, had told me he was confused about what he wanted and had stopped talking to her for a while. then she called him and started comming around she even had the nerve to call me and tell me to leave him alone I was confusing him!
needless to say I felt if she was able to get his cell phone then I thought there was a little more going on there that I cared for.
But I for life of me do not see where she had the right to tell me to back off! Thats the kind of person I would love to B***H slap!
As I hear it now he is not happy with her found she was self centerd wonder what make him think that!
I also heard that one night when they were having sex he used my name! LOL I loved it!
But in your case, you can make a mistake as long as you learn from it.
All should be forgivin, and none of us have such a clean back yard that we should judge someone that has not hurt us.

I have just read your post and read through the thread from last night.
You have explained yourself, even though I don't believe you had to.
It is obvious from your post that you were at a very low point in your life and a little bit of attention was just what you needed at that time. You did not aggressively chase after someone else's husband.
Forgive yourself for being lonely and vulnerable. You are human.
He is to blame. He deceived YOU, and he is the one that made the vows to his wife, not you.

I admire you for being open about the relationship. You would think that the majority of people here are separated or divorced because of absolutely no fault of their own. No one ever admits to being a liar, cheat, gambler, alcoholic or woman/man beater.

I didn't see the other thread.I know that we all make mistakes and the lder I get I find I do something I never thought I would,or had put someon down for,so past is that.Over and probably not repeated.Ayoung low- self esteem girl may do something a woman of mid age and accomplished would most likley not. When you come down on someone,make sure it's not something you may end up doing at some point,or your daughter end up doing.Mistakes are just that,seeing the action as a mistake,a learning tool in life.

What she said!!!

Aww love you . God people who make judgments should look to their own lives i'm sure they have made mistakes in the past. And people who say i will never do this or that don't know whats around the corner.


Please don't take any noticed people will pass judgment its part of human nature to wag the finger. However a bigger person such as your self will remember and not wag it back.

I didn't judge because my take is everyone makes mistakes...and you have obviously taken responsibility for yours....I don't think women should always blame the other woman either...Unless they already know he is married before they become involved...then it's both the married man and the other woman's responsibility....I also understand that once you found out he was married the emotional attachment was already there....not to mention he was filling a void in your life....You did end it and did learn from it...and that's a good thing....

He or She who is morally and ethically clean or without Sin.. Please do

Cast the First Stone...


Kudos to jb for finding the cure for a"depressing self esteem problem".

I want to thank all of you for your responses. I was just shocked that someone that I had supported and defended in the past and that I had considered a friend would turn on me so harshly for a mistake in my past and I admit that it made me question all of the interaction I have had on CS.

As I said, my first reaction was just to leave, but after thinking about it... I have this thing about not giving people power in my life, so I'm here and I'll stay as long as I choose to stay regardless of how another treats me, and I apologize for letting a few people affect my attitude about everyone else.

I have gotten over what happened a long time ago, both the insecurity and feelings of not being desirable that my ex husband instilled in me and I have forgiven myself for my own poor decision making. I am a very different person now and don't have the same vulnerabilities and insecurities.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and understand, I know some of you didn't think it was necessary and I really thank you for that!

As I said, my first reaction was just to leave, but after thinking about it... I have this thing about not giving people power in my life,



Exactly.
I would not give people power over my life in real life, why would I do it here.

I wanted to post in that thread a personal experience of mine, but i didnt as it soon went out of control and i do not like all attacking and judging - i stay away from it when i see it.

But i will post it here, for 2 reasons:
1st) To say to you JB that we all make mistakes and it does not *lower* us as characters nor does it diminish our integrity when our mistakes are unintented ones
2nd) To also state that there is also a tale of "the other MAN".

My last relation was one such as you discribed. The only diference was that the girl wasnt married but instead, she was seeing someone else on a steady basis for more than 1 year.

When she came on to me, i didnt know that "detail". Her boyfriend was studying abroad, so i couldnt have suspected it. I found out about it after 3 months and i confronted her with it (instead of simply walking away as i should have done) only to get lured in and fall for the age old:
"I have been meaning to break up with him, he means nothing to me and the only reason i havent done this yet is because i do not want to do it over the phone"

You see, when you are caught inside the bubble, you already have strong feelings that are not easy to set aside and do the right thing. I eventually walked out of it all, but still, i was the "other man" for a couple of months.

But we learn as we move along. Today, i know that honesty is the most importand thing for me in any future relationship. And i am far more willing to walk out the minute i realise that i have been lied upon.

As for "justifying" yourself, you really didnt need to for most of us. We know who you are.

I think I must have slept through all of the other thread but I did notice it this morning and read through it all.

You were definitely unfairly attacked & judged for adding your experience and thoughts to that thread.

Certain people should remember OR realise this is a public forum for sharing thoughts, opinions and debating in a civilised fashion NOT attacking others just because they don't agree with what they say.

I did notice some wafflng on and f*****g on and on about their own experiences when they were cheated on.

I really feel they should go seek professional help to deal with their emotional baggage before they even think of coming on here lecturing, preaching, judging and acting in a self righteous boring manner

I have not read the thread you mention JB and I won't ...

Moving on from one's mistakes is SO important because guilt eats one up from the inside and so does "playing victime" ad infinitum ...

From what you explain it's all the more commendable that you have moved on and "grown" into a stronger more aware woman from ALL of the past experiences you mention ...

PS: A and a and for every single time the memory of the feeling of the "physical rejection" pops into your mind

hey jb, your a good woman...thats all i know. we all make mistakes, but seldom admit to them. I too, made a similar "mistake" as the "other" woman and didnt end it when I found out. I waited a couple months and ended telling his woman....who was also my friend.

I finally caught up on the thread you were talking about and was shocked and the things that were said to you or about you. Not impressed.

I admire you and think very highly of you.

Thanks mano... although I wish you would have posted... might have drawn off a little of the fire I was under I'm pretty strong in who I am now and have a zero tolerence for liars, we live and learn.

I'm glad to hear that you had a change of heart about leaving CS due to one pinheads remarks.

Kudos to you.

Hi Jb , I think none of us need to justify anything to anyone as that doesnt change the situation , the way we have dealth with it or who we are ... but i really admire your honesty and courage in having done so ..

I shall say what i have said on the other thread.. ermm without reading through it really .. sorry.

" I Dont have the patience to read the entire thread and i stay away from this topic cos there is a lot of " i wont's " and " thats dirty " and " morals and ethics " and assumptions and assumptions always.

The little i would say is :
Assuming we understand everybody is an adult and has the ability to " think " a lot of situations in life arent exactly like what we describe in 2 dimension here. In reality, there are so many seen and unseen factors apart from what the 2 people or 3 people see or realise.

Nope !! Its NOT justifying anything.

All i am saying is lets not make someone's situation a code for " moral judgement " about them nor can we talk of things with absolutism in such cases. Though we are adults with a mind not everyone can make rational and ' ethical ' decisions all the time. If we could, we would be close to utopia. There is no excuse to being allowed to make mistakes in one area while not in another.

Men cheat and so do women , men steal other's spouses and so do women , there are innocent men as well as women , there are both in unhappy marriages and bad situations , there are those with no option for divorce whatsoever ( for whatever reasons ) ... so coming to say ... if we are going to crucify them based on a fact .. well a fact is a fact .. but real life has a third and even 4th dimension .. time as well as human emotion.

What matters at the end ... if one is able to learn from the mistake and rise over it and that one can sleep with a conscience which doesnt hurt .. there is still hope. "