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You leave my arse out of this, i'm allergic to sticky tape anyway

Dear Auntie

I met this wonderful lady here on CS ............................ and we are living in absolute bliss

Thing is she has gone back to England tonight to visit her children and (hard to believe) grandchildren!

She will be away for a WEEK! Thats seven days!

I have lots of wierd and wonderful musical insruments around me and plan on passing the time playing with myself.

Is this dangerous???

I really need your advice

Thanking you in anticipation

The Gongman

Dear The Gongman,

How inspiring that you that you met such a wonderful partner here on CS.

Seven days is a long time not to be near the person you love.
But also keep in mind that absence often does make the heart grow fonder,
and I agree that in the mean time
you should play with your instrument yourself.

There is no danger in this unless you try something stupid with an orange, a neck tie, and asphyxiation.


Have fun!

Auntie Claayer

I live in Spain! I am surrounded by oranges! What a waste!

Don´t even own a tie though.

Thanks for the advice I am playing as I type

i might be wrong but i think it need be a tangerine


oh waaait-he is NOT sposed to do that


well-dear auntie
i have a problem that i...
ummm i cant seem to remember...

Dear Auntie Claayer,

I am making no progress with the UPS man.

He just can't seem to deliver what I need

Now I have this new plan..

I'll sit out on my front step drinking a glass of champagne and eating strawberries....and I'll raise my glass to every car that drives by...

Do you think the neighborhood men will think I am "friendly"?

or just crazy??


Joanie in Maine

why can we be faceless on CS but not assless?

something ive been pondering auntie

Dear Joanie in Maine,

I'm sorry to see that so far you have made no more progress with the UPS man.

Get yourself a credit card and get on-line shopping. Try to shop only at sites that say they use UPS to deliver. Try to get yourself in to a pattern of ordering at least one item on line per day to give you more chances to woo him. Then perhaps try answering the door naked.

As for the sitting on the roadside with Champagne and Strawberries waving at passing male motorists. If you value the teeth in your mouth and the hair on your head, may I suggest you get yourself a fine pair of binoculars/field glasses to check that the oncoming cars have no females in there too.


Take care!


Auntie Claayer

Dear Auntie.

Did you realize you have over 700 posts and over 9,000 views? You should write a column.

Why am I always so tired? I usually asks advice when I already know the answer. I can't think of anything.

I chew and eat a lot of bubble gum. Today I had gas real bad and blew a hugh bubble behind me. I have no way of measuring it to see if its a world record before it pops! What should I do?

dear Antie Clear,

I wanna go on a cruise but they all charge for double occupancy.....what am I to dew??

ahem

I have the answer to this one!! Go on a singles cruise & sign up the room mate matching (that's what I did for the one I leave on this Saturday to Alaska).

Dear Auntie Claayer

Ms. Newt has gone toad-eyed over Mr. Sailfin Mollie. He has reciprocated with flashy displays of splashing and reckless surface-
skimming rides( Ms. Newt in tow holding on, no less, to his sailfin. My apologies to any under age children and the faint of heart) and dives down to the Little Mermaid castle for, heaven knows what. Sometimes spending the whole day within its dark recesses or behind it where the view is almost as obscured!
Now I know most of your readers are going to be feeling somewhat puffered up over this as they may feel that their phishy business is of greater import.
I assure you, however, that Mrs. Mollie has been totally floundered by this. Oh yes she knew he had fisheyed the over collagened Ms. Guppy
Lips as she wagged her tail on the swim by. But this is has let all of the sail out of her fin, not so Mr. Mollie.

Poor Mrs. Mollie.

Should I

A) Put more salt in the tank.

B) Get Mrs. Mollie a divorce and a new mate.

C)Get Ms. Newt her own surfboard.

D) Get rid of aquatics and go reptile.



PS My hound dog has absolutely no interest in the goings on of the aquaworld.

Should I

A) Shave his whiskers.

B) Get him a nice pair of high fashion glasses like Bodleing has.

C) Clean the tank front.



I really, really, really hope you can help me out on this.

Sincerely,
Over the tops of my boots

i have this problem i am extremly attracted to this gal names clayer...any help>>>

Auntie Claayer can you serve up some good (crap) advice today

Have fun,take pictures and show us what we missed out on.

Try bringing an apple to class.

What if I bring the whole apple tree?

Dear Auntie Claayer....

How do I make my teenage son go to bed when he wants to stay up all night long and sleep all day? He's making me nuts!!!! Maybe the duct tape will work on him?

Sincerely,

Aggravated and sick in Alabama