Connecting Singles^® Forums 100% Free Online Dating

SF sometimes it works both ways...I did have strong feelings for someone in my past although they were not returned...I did waste a lot of time 'hoping' things would change and refused to allow myslef to move on...But he realised only too well and manipulated my feelings whilst keeping me on a string...Just when I would find a tiny bit of strength to severe the tie..he would ring with another deep and meaningful to pull me back in...

In the end I changed my number...it was the hardest thing for me to do but slowly I healed and got way over him!!!
I did think at the time it was love..but looking back now it was so disfunctional in everyway..I felt very vulnerable and rejected..I think part of it was my determination to emotionally overcome that?? Perhaps..

Because, I still had things to learn. I had to learn what real love was.
Everything I wanted to give to him was given back to me. In the end I loved myself enough to set him and myself free.

I also think sometimes that we think if we say it is finally really over and move on and they change their mind we will miss our chance.
But no, you can't change anyone else and you can't control them so after you beat your head against the wall enough until you're a bloody pulp you learn to let go. It's all about learning to let go.
But I awoke and he is not what I dreamed he was and NEVER AGAIN....not with him anyway.
Everyone has some good in them but you can't deny that they have bad either when it is detrimental to you both. Unfortunately, sometimes we do use the blanket of denial, and I assume most people know why they use it.

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
~Jim Morrison

I like some of Jim Morrison's qoutes even though he was a hypocrit, he was a smart hypocrit. He didn't want to deal with his pain he numbed it with drugs.

Right on

I'm a walker, which could be the other side of the coin and just as bad. I've always been the first one to walk away when I believed it wasn't working and wasn't going to work. When I look back now, I don't regret it or think I was wrong--the relationships were dead end, and it would have been a waste of time to go on and on.

I like that story Zarah. Great post! You showed a lot of strength and courage in dealing with that painful reality. Yesterday is gone and players only love you when they are playing sweetheart....




So very true opalbeauty, we all will and need to learn as part of our evolution. Great post!

As for Jim Morrison, I guess the pain was too much for him. He was too pure for this world....kinda

The one that loves the least always controls the relationship..
I think with some people it is simply they want what they cannot have.

I am not at all surprised by your post...in a good way of course considering you stance on many issues portiea... So you really never held on to anyone ever....in the history of ever!? Wow! Good for you

We believe in our partner... but sometimes the other has only beautiful words to give us and we are so deep in feelings that we can´t recognize it... relationship must be with respect for feelings... Stop our feelings take time... it was too much energy spent... we need recharge again and see what the future brings to us!
Cheers!

Yeah, I wanted my daddy to love me. That's a big challenge...but when you learn to let go and love yourself....you've won.

True, been there done that from both sides. Pure wisdom coming form Zarah

I have been in relationships where there was no control for a phase, but it always seemed to shift either way eventually. The reasons are complicated so I am not even going to expand that.

Well, first you've got to find somebody worth holding on to...I made bad choices there.

We all do desire a relationship with perfect balance..the balance of just complimenting each other and usually in the beginning it is fresh, real and without control..But it does shift..sometimes either way back and forth...someimtes completely one sided and then I think the one losing control struggles to find that balance..they feel themselvs like a sinking ship and start bailing out water furiously..
The other side can become stifled..suffocated and afraid...after time they want to seek the door...
To find that equal balance and freely love each other without expectations and total respect..giving quality time when needed but also still reaching for your own dreams...
I see too many people living someone else dreams and this just breeds resentment and spite..
Our own journey is difficult enough...we have to learn to not pull the other along..just to walk beside them and offer our hand when needed..
Sorry SF...shite this long..carried away

Everybody can be picky at times, but that is our right!




No Zarah. It was a real and true post. Your observations were valid and astute. No worries, just be. I loved your post. Just pure stuff from the source.

This seems to fit the topic:


Body And Soul

Johnny W. Green / Edward Heyman / Robert Sour / Frank Eyton

You're making me blue
All that you do
Seems unfair
You try not to hear
Turn a deaf ear
To my prayer
It seems you don't want to see
What you are doing to me
My arms are waiting to caress you
And to my heart they long to press you, sweet heart

My heart is sad and lonely
For you I cry
For you, dear, only
I tell you I mean it
I'm all for you
Body and soul

I spend my days in longing
And wondering why it's me you're wronging
Why haven't you seen it
I'm all for you
Body and soul

I can't believe it
It's hard to conceive it
That you'd turn away romance
Are you pretending
It looks like the ending
I wish I could have one more change to prove, dear
My life a hell your'e making
You know I'm yours for just the taking
I'd gladly surrender
Myself to you
Body and soul

Life's dreary for me
Days seem to be long as years
I've looked for the sun
But can see none
Through my tears
Your heart must be like a stone
To leave me like this alone
When you could make my life worth living
By taking what I'm set on giving, sweet heart

My heart is sad and lonely
For you I cry
For you, dear, only
I tell you I mean it
I'm all for you
Body and soul

Sung by Billie Holiday, and many others

There are 2 key points in your post that I want to address...and, answered separately, my answers will be 180 degrees apart from each other.
First....have I ever held on to a relationship where it turned out to be detrimental to my well-being, investing energy and time, etc?
Yes...my marriage. Why? For 2 reasons. Number one, I loved him still. Number two, I don't treat marriage lightly; when the going gets tough, the tough don't need to always just get going. Marriage is work and it takes energy and effort and I felt at the time that it was worth trying to save. So I held on as long as I could, but it was indeed detrimental to me eventually. Depression set in, which led to a great deal of weight loss (oh, how I sometimes wish that I'd get a little depressed again now! LOL) and tears. OK.....this was almost 10 years ago and I have long since moved on and become healthy and strong again (not to mention the fact that I haven't had a doctor tell me to gain weight in a long time!!).
As for the second, and somewhat opposite, answer... do I desire and try to stay with someone who simply does not want to be with me? No. And even in the last days of my marriage, this wasn't the case. It's a long and boring story, but not one in which he didn't want to be with me. I have never tried to convince someone or manipulate someone into wanting me. I have too much pride and enough self-love that I feel no need to do this. I know that I am worth being with and shouldn't have to put a knife to a man's throat to make it happen! Time has proven this to be an accurate self-assessment, even if I don't have a solid relationship these days. It is not because I am not lovable or desirable or interesting or whatever; it is just because I haven't found a suitable match. Pure and simple. And there are many wonderful men out there; I have met a lot of great guys. They just haven't been right for me, and vice-versa. This is life and this is reality. I don't for a moment, though, feel that if only I had done something differently that I would have the love that I seek. I don't WANT to do anything differently; I want to find love based on reality...to be who I am, say what I say, do what I do, etc...and to be loved for all these things. Just as I want that from a man. Manipulate? Persuade? Cajole? No way. If the pieces of the puzzle fit, the picture will come alive. If not, keep looking.

You read my mind man! this type of thing causes mental damage!! I dunno where I stand with a girl at the moment, she lets on she wants me but then shoots me down at the last moment...and part of me wants to be with her, part of me dosn't...
I'm a confused little boy

thats a harsh reality of relationships.... unfortunately


yet true romantics all hold onto the dream /belief,

"for others perhaps thats true... but for me it'll will different"

Thanks for your observations jlb684. I like real posts from the heart at times.
Good to see you broke free, as hard as it was to end your marriage.
True, if we can just be and allow our partners to be without expectations or silly prescribes nonsense notions of love and marriage., things would just be that much easier. Unconditional love is an elusive one for us here in the CS forums.
Your last sentence can get complicated if expanded in depth, but that is all circumstantial and speculative. No need right now for me to go into that.
Be cool sweety







Lovers only love you when they are playing. Put your foot down, release the fear, and confront her for what you need to hear. I know it sounds cliche, but there are other fish in the sea....waiting for your love....

Have read the posts on this thread, interesting.

I don't really believe that any one of us can place parameters as to what should, shouldn't or may happen.

Relationships, particularly those were love is concerned, rarely give u the opportunity to think and plan beforehand. They happen, and u learn as u go along and it develops. For better or for worst.

Long in the haze of times gone by, there was a case of one women who I would have given heaven and earth for if she asked me to. And yet, it remains the relationship that left a lot of pain behind. This was even before getting married.

On the other hand, more recently I had a relationship with someone that in effect would have agreed to all the requirments of what would consitute a perfect partenr for me. And yet, I was relieved when it ended a few months down the road.

So.....