Posted: May 10, 2008, 6:53 PM CST
Taser (Part 2)
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it dip****,"
reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .
. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up
on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst
when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?
SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and
my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke cloud above my
head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking
for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Hope you liked it!!
