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This was inspired by the thread where the hypothetical was posted: if someone lost thirty pounds an engagement ring would be offered.

Okay, so here's the topic: "bottom lines," "ultimatums," or...reasonable requests. How much are we entitled to ask of another person regarding changes in that person which may make them more compatible with (or approved by) you? Is it possible to reasonably make such requests/demands? Never reasonable?

What are your experiences with these kinds of "if you do this or change that I would find you acceptable" situations?

Jeff

I don't like ultimatums.


Off to buy a carton of cigarettes.

Hi Ambrose

Hi Harry

Who does? The question is whether or not they - or requests logically related to them - are ever reasonable?

Hi, Morg!!

What say you?

i don't believe it right to make demands on others to change think it's about compromise and respect. Your attracted to a person initially for who they are, why try to change them?

If You really love the person You accept them for all of there flaws.........weight........smoking............or what ever it maybe. If any of that bothered you about them in the first place why commit??

In the instance of drug or alcohol abuse or abuse of any sort, yes, I would be inclined to agree, but otherwise I can't think of any examples.

Hi Morgan

hahaha

Hmmm.. If someone gave me an ultimatum.. it would probably make me stand my ground. I'm extremely pigheaded sometimes (nowadays) .. haha

I wont be TOLD what to do.. by anyone. (been there done that.. got the bloody T Shirt!)..


I would see an Ultimatum as a threat.. and I wont be threatened.. I'm uber sensitive to all that crap.

Ask me.. and I would consider anything.. but I won't be blackmailed.

Aaaand.. nor would I think to give anyone an Ultimatum from me. (I think). hahaha



Helloo Ambrose

and I meant eons btw.

Noooooope!
If somebody is conditioning their love....well, think again!
Bck when i was smoking, I had this comment from guys..." don't like a woman that smokes"...well, don't worry, you don't have to!
I stopped smoking because I felt it was time to do that, not to please somebody.
I guess it would depend on the demands though.
If you requst your partner to stop farting in public places...that's reasonable...but then again, what the hell were you doing with such a partner if you don't like the habits?behav. he displays?
And the line " if you change this, i would find you aceptable" sounds really more like arrogance from one side and a desperate need to be accepted from the other side.

i dont like ultimatums and dont dispense them either

i do have boundaries
and know what my dealbreakers are and so dont go into something if theres things happening i know i dont want
for whatever reason

if i stumble upon certain things later i will withdraw and think im okay at it w/o seeming condescending or rude

im ok making choices and tired of being told im closed minded or whatever
healthy people have certain things they choose not to interact w/ and thats really okay

i dont want anyone to be a pretzel for me and i dont do that anymore either

thats one way ive learned going slow is useful-for me
if im not overly invested prematurely i dont get shocked disappointed feel tricked or hurt (extra) because i gave an amount of me that makes me want to die when it doesnt work out

some smoke some dont some avoid it-so what
i know youre just using the smoking as an example
but i do think mature people are allowed to have preferences

and even me


hi peoples
hi kid
xx

haha

I was surprised finding out couple of my frinds find that normal for their husbands

im not conditioning my love
i make choices before i fall in love
whatever they may be

but thats me im just a B



i am so over that characterization


i gotta be me so you can be you
however you may fit into my life
or not

I'll go to my grave screaming, "Be true to yourself"
But we could be talking about two different "levels" to who we are...our inner being and our actions.

I don't want to change any one and don't want anyone trying to change me...BUT...

If, for example, I smoked and I was in love with someone who basically just couldn't handle smoke (it's not me, it's the smoke)...well, baby I'm gonna quit come hell or high water. Why not? He's more important than my (hypothetical) love of cigs

But that's just me

P.S. I'm too serious, huh?

Yuck

Yep I do agree with that.

Right. I regard ultimatums *generally* as playthings of the maladapted. *However*, I can easily think of - and have personally experienced - situations where there don't appear to be any reasonable alternatives. E.g.:

"You must end your affair or we're finished."

"Either you stop drinking or we're done."

"Tear up your credit cards and promise never to put us into horrid debt again, or we're getting a divorce!"

Is the issue of smoking different from the above in principle - given that you agree the above are justified.

seems we pretty much agree the lot of us
except for semantics?

maybe not the uber one tho

ya just never know what she's sayin

one too many
*zap*

I'd say you're just about right (with respect to seriousness), Gringa.