Posted: Jul 3, 2008, 6:06 PM CST
My fiancée cheated on me with my best friend and I cut them both out of my life. Still I was having a hard time letting go and moving on.
What really helped me a lot to get over what happened was to try and understand my cheating boyfriend (and my friend).
I know it sounds crazy – But I just couldn’t accept the fact that they hurt me like they did, for no reason at all. I knew them and they were not mean or evil people.
So finally, after almost a year with bitterness and resentment, I sat down and tried to put myself in their shoes.
I realized that perhaps I had something to do with it as well. It will never be an excuse for what they did, because they should have been honest with me instead of going behind my back and lie to me.
But I suddenly understood what triggered the infidelity.
It was a number of issues combined: My friend and I had grown apart but refused to realize it even though we barely talked anymore. So the loyalty I thought was there was really an imaginary thing; honestly, I wasn’t loyal to her either because I wasn’t there for her when her mother died during all this (I had my reasons, but that doesn’t change the fact she felt left alone in her sorrow).
My fiancée felt neglected because I was taking care of my very sick father. He, my ex, was having trouble with his parents who where nagging him constantly, so he really needed support (that I couldn’t give him because my father drained all my resources) and on top of that he failed to see how he could fit into my future and the path I had chosen for myself professionally (he’s a carpenter and didn’t feel “worthy” of me somehow – he said that himself, even though it’s hard for me to understand). I think that at some point he just lost all hope of us being together; and already feeling miserable he turned to my friend for compassion and comfort. My friend, needing the same things, welcomed his companionship.
It hasn’t made me able to forget what happened or forget all the pain and frustration and sorrow and bitterness I felt when I found out.
It doesn’t fix anything or make the hurting stop.
But it did help me with 2 things:
Forgiveness; they didn’t do it because they wanted to hurt me or because they were mean people – they were just two very lonely human beings in desperate need for love and support. Yes, they made wrong decisions and yes, they hurt me very bad, but unfortunately sometimes that’s what it takes to learn a lesson and know what to do – and in their case what NOT to do – when the going gets tough.
Getting over it; suddenly I didn’t feel like a victim no more, I could trust others again because I understood that it was the very special situation created back then that had triggered the infidelity and not something in others or in me. I didn’t have to be afraid that the exact same thing would happen to me again, because no 2 situations are alike and thus it’s irrational that I should experience exactly this once again.
I know that I will probably experience infidelity again some day – statistics say so. But at least I now know that I can deal with it.
The only thing I can do is be the best person I know how to be and if that’s not good enough it’s my future spouse’s loss. I don’t want to spend my life in fear of getting hurt, so I have let go and love like I have never been hurt before.
Like my dad says: “Life is equally long whether you laugh or you cry” – so I for one will sure as hell laugh all the way to the coffin. Come what may – but I won’t let other peoples’ mistakes ruin the joy I feel by living and loving.
It’s really a conscious decision one has to make: Will I let this break me? Or will I grow strong from it?
Am I a survivor or not?
You decide – and live your truth. Not him, not them, not anyone else. YOU.