royalnavy23: thanks everyone, i do talk to thers, there the same, not as bad, but same stuff, i run 10k every morning, drunk or not, tring to saty in routine, but when youve gt that min alone, thats what you think about, its always in your head, it always will, but you guys / girls have been great, thank you all so much
Could definitely be post-traumatic like Hugs said, but it also sounds like a lot of plain old grief. It sucks and I'm sorry for you. For me, dealing with the grief (and a little post-traumatic stress), is a process. When you find your mind heading back to those places, try searching for the good that's come out of it. It's very difficult, so don't think I don't realize how stupid that may sound. But at least in my case I did find little bits of goodness in all sorts of hidden places. I learned, for example, that the human spirit is much more alive than I realized. I'm focusing now on how my tragedy can make me a better person. Hope that helps.
Thank you for serving. It IS appreciated very much.