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Very true Lagoona, very true.

I strongly suspect that my last partner had some abuse in her past. Maybe that should have come into consideration when it came to how I dealt with the relationship...and also how I ended it. But I think it strongly depends on how your partner is dealing with the trauma. In my case, I suspect that she repressed it all, never spoke of it, and tried to pretend it never happened. Whatever it was, she successfully pushed me away.

I urge anyone who has been abused in the past to please seek help. Counseling, therapy, anything. If you let it destroy you and your relationships, what chance do you have at ever being happy?

You know there's a really good song about this sort of thing. While its titled daughters, it has meaningful applications for sons and daughters.

John Mayer- Daughters..

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change

And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too.

Very apt song.

We all have some sort of baggage from our past. We don't become adults without it. The question is whether we accept it or not. If we can accept ourselves with our baggage of the past and not dwell in it then all will be well.

When we can't, won't or don't accept that we have gone through what we have in order to get where we are today or become who we are, then we tend to become self destructive and sabotage everything in our lives. It becomes the "not good enough" syndrome.

People that have been in abusive relationships tend to have major trust issues and it's very difficult to earn their trust and it's rarely freely given. It's a difficult bridge to build and cross, though it can be done if you're patient and love that person unconditionally.

Would I consider a relationship of this type...I'm not sure. Being that I've been down the road of abusive relationships all my life and sought help and got through the largest hurdles, I'd be hesitant because I know how hard it can be to go through the roller coaster of emotions and may want to help them more than I should. I would probably be better off as a friend in that situation instead of emotionally tied into the situation.

Would it be of concern...Only if they have not sought help and cleared the wreckage of their past. If they have not dealt with the past in a healthy way then how could they possibly be able to form a healthy relationship in the present!?!

A present can look beautiful on the outside...It's when you open it up and look in that you find out whether or not there is true beauty within.

About time you got your ass out of bed...

Hell I've been out of bed

omg, .. we agree on something ...


yep, stop being a fuch up and we can start birthing unfuched up humans.... or wait for eugenics to do it for us ...

I feel really bad for people who have faced some kind of child abuse esp. from parents of close of kin cos those are primal years of forming trust , learning to love , be loved and being taken care of .. being taught rather than being taken advantage of ..



With such a mind numbing start it must be so difficult for them to cope with life in the normal way looking at relations with love and faith again.

Must to seek some form of help.

But i have seen a lot of people for societal reasons , shame or even embarassment not being able to share what hapens and living with it.

I am all for " healing " .. yes .. self healing is possible but u need to seek even that ..

Some people do amazingly emerge strong and learn to overcome the trials and tribunals on their own ..

Not very compassionate I know, but I have had a couple of experiences dating people with emotional baggage.. and I don't think I could do it again.. I think the person has to help themselves FIRST and become healthy before they enter a relationship... I think people with serious baggage (exception usual baggage.. we all have some) do not know how to function in a relationship.... and what happens is you get dragged down with them and then (if ur lucky) spit out..

Nowadays I am only interested in dating people who have either a) normal healthy family life (within broad definition of 'normal' of course ) or b) someone who has some insight and has worked through their issues.. is only fair after all... nobody can expect anyone else to 'fix' them.. just doesn't happen..(or at least VERY rarely)

Hiya Riya

I have been waiting for u all my life

it depends on their volition/mind/idea. if they didn't do anyting wrong or didn't allow/encorage others to do anything wrong according to their volition,then it's ok.

I got to agree ..

Its difficult to build a bridge .. yes and needs lot of patience and affection .. to really want to have that person in your life .. cos its not the usual amount of effort that would go in ... but more.

" So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too "

wow ...

YA!!! John Mayer is poet! I think you'd like his tunes T. He doesn't bastardize music like kiss does (not theres anything wrong with that :laugh) All of his stuff is written beautifully with something to say and musically its above average in expertise. MHO

Like... Dreaming With A Broken Heart or ..oh never mind, long list ... off the OP ...


oops

Thanks.

I certainly would consider dating anyone who has suffered abuse...if they have dealt with the issue...I have been there done that...I would not consider dating one who used to abuse though...unless they too have dealt with what causes it..truly and honestly...because I find some abusers...although they no longer abuse physically...resort to verbal and mental abuse....and will say they don't abuse...you can tell if they have dealt with abuser issues if they no longer blame the victim...but take full responsibility for their actions...24/7......

Some things you get over....... ever watch a child that has been hit too often, and they cringe when someone raises their hands, even if they are not going to hit them?

Unfortunately some things will trigger a feeling or a memory, and there are coping methods, but sometimes it will not go away completely.

Sometimes the recovery is different from one person to the next.


JMO, do not feel people completely recover from abuse, but find a way to go on, and yes every one has baggage, it just depends on each individual how much baggage they prefer to keep lugging around.

To be honest, I do not believe anyone is completely free of emotional baggage.

Left the ex, who was 6 ft 2, 400 lbs. a bully, negative and controlling. It was not until 2years ago, I could actually be comfortable alone with a male, sitting at table. even if it was just for coffee.

Did not try to date, meet or have a relationship until I felt I was well enough mentally, physically, and emotionally. There are triggers, that might bring back a memory, or a feeling.... and usually that is a red flag a person is not for me.

In my case it was not that I could like or love again, had to loose that feeling that I was not good enough, or no one would be interested.

Had to get over that stigma of my family's views on divorced women. My mother always said, a divorced woman is another man's piece of garbage. I know differently now, but add that to the brain washing of some one making you feel you are nothing. (that brain washing is done by males and females, and is usual treatment in abusive situations.)

If someone is willing to be there for you, and understand that sometimes, they will need to have patience with a person who has been through abuse, or a traumatic situation. Does not mean they need it 24/7. Also suggest you or anyone does not become the rescuer, because that is not healthy.

Do not do the rescuing. They have to work on themselves and not expect some one to make them feel better or save them.

Sorry for typing a long thread, and revealing more than intended.

Every time I hear that song, I always wondered if it was a message to Jessica Simpon's father or others like him? (one of those relationships that do not seem very healthy and too controlling)