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I have an friend/acquaintance who is in a quandry. I've been listening to him talk about his marriage and family but when it comes to giving my opinion, I'm hesitant to but others seem to be free with advice. I just thought I'd ask some opinions on here. Tell me what you think he should do. What would you do?

My friend 'John' has been married for 30 years--2 kids - one 28 just married and moved out last year, and one 21 living at the house with only a few months left of college. No physical or communication type of relationship with the wife. She will not discuss any issue and gets mad and throws things and hits him. Last time she hit him right in the privates when she threw something knocking the wind out of him. He told her the last two times, no hitting or he would call the police (but he didn't). If he even put an arm over her in bed, she would start hitting and yelling. He has no relationship with her other than the kids. What do you want for supper (and she means what are you driving to pick up) is the limit of conversation unless she asks why he didn't clean the house or finish the laundry. Some seven years ago, he caught her in an affair and she said all she wanted was the kids. He didn't want to lose them so they tried to start over. He has always worked lots of hours in his business to support the family. Now he wants to work regular hours and enjoy life, but she is always cranky to the point that friends and family don't even want to come over anymore. What does he do? She will not talk about anything and just sits there not answering any questions.

I think he's done all he can and its time for him to tell her to move on (they live in his family home where he grew up). He is afraid his kids will shut him out if he divorces. I suggested marriage counseling but she won't even talk about the issue of going to one. Any good ideas? How does he get her to talk about their problems?

Look seriously my own brother went through this.

domestic violence does exist and it is not just women.

I witnessed it one day and told her flat out if she hits my brother like that again she will deal with me. He left and re-married a wonderful lady who I adore.

I often wonder though as with me and my brother if we sought our partners on the way we were brought up, either case there is no excuse and for men to think its ok and to be macho about it isn't right.

Violence is violence either sex.

Its ok to argue all couple do but there is a difference between argueing and fighting.

He needs to be strong now or he will be a victim forever.

Domestic violence is a viscious cycle & we must all do what we can to make it stop.

JMO

Good luck.

Quite a touchy subject, and my comment is this. Have you heard her be as he says she is? There are 2 sides to every story, and giving advice when hearing only one side, is not my cup of tea.
The facts Dano........give me nothing but the facts.

Hellooo DF..

Going by what you have said.. I would be telling him to get her out asap. You only have one life.. and living it like that is not living. I think he needs to get some plans together in his head of how he going to do it.. then speak to the children a little time before he does.. tell them how he feels. They aren't babies any more.. they are old enough to have a much better understanding of relationships now.

Also they must have some idea of what it is like for him.. they must have seen and heard some of it over time.

I think he needs to tell them.. that he only has one life.. and he doesn't want to spend the rest of it miserable and unhappy.. (and so is their mother by the sounds of it) and that no matter what now.. things are never going to change for the better, so it has to end.

Perhaps.. if it were me telling him.. I would see if he can stick it out for the last few months of the youngest college time.. as not to risk messing them up at the final hurdle..

But after that.. she would be gone.

I don't know them (obviously) or their circumstances.. but he does.. and he needs to start thinking of ways in which to do it. Including seeing a solicitor (lawyer) first.. telling them what is going on.. and what he is planning to do.. and perhaps.. on the day.. have the police on standby.. talk to someone there in advance. That way he has some back up if it all kicks off.

It's often a VERY bumpy road.. from A to B .. and sometimes setting the wheels in motion is a very scary thing and to do.

But once it's done.. and the dusts settles again.. he will see it was probably one of the BEST things he has ever done.

I totally agree.. and his side is .. he is not happy.
If his wife comes here.. maybe we can tell her what we think SHE can do too..

I agree in my case I witnessed it first hand with my brother bit mistake on her belhalf

The marriage has been over for a long time. It is too late for correction of any kind. Prepare for a divorce now to see all will be fair. When the last child leaves a divoce will come from the women and it will not be fair because of how she is treating him now. Prepare is secret to make sure all things will be fair as to dividing of assets.

There is the chance of mental illness or severe hormone imbalance, but most likely she is waiting for the kids to be gone and or finding another to allow her to get out without having to start finding a home.

Who knows.... people are screwy!

I'd say stay the hell out of their affairs. He is big enough and old enough to know what is right for him.

Two sides to every story yes. His kids are grown now so no ties there. Co-dependency is a bitch and he will have alot of baggage either way. His kids already know what is going on. They are not stupid. They have lived with it for years. It would probably be a relief for them.

Don't be so sure about his house in a divorce. He'd have to pay her off at least half the value of it if she were to leave, or he'd have to sell it, or she might even get it. No saying for definite in that case.

The most likely cause of him still being there is money issues. When kids are grown it's rarely anything but how little one wants the other to have in a settlement.

While he is getting sympathy and attention for being the victim, he will most likely not do anything about his situation. A sympathetic friend can often be a good enabler. Leave them to it. He will cop on eventually.

I disagree... sometimes when you are in that kind of relationship it's hard to know WHAT to think or do to get yourself out of it. Sometimes you need to hear lots of different options and ideas that you may not have thought of. Sometimes you need back up give you the courage to take the leap of faith.

::adds Rilly to the list of 'Screwies' :::

I disagree as in my brothers case she knew how what we went through growing up, he thought is was just the normal. I'ts not farkin normal to abuse any partner. If I see I sure as shit will step in if they listen thats up too them. A least I know I have tried to derail a bad situation.

and tow sides I don't think so a woman is far more fondly looked upon as the poor victim than a male a male is seen as a wooos for even going there.

It doesn't sound like he is looking for opinions. I am sure he has had many if he is , like she said, willing to discuss it openly and often. He is looking for sympathy.

The man has to be what, 50 ish. He sees tv. He reads newspapers. He obviously talks to people. He is not stupid. He knows what is right. He knows what choices he can make. He is choosing to stay there. The mistake we often make is that we treat someone with sympathy when it is not sympathy they need, it is tough love. We put ourselves with our experiences in their shoes. We don't have their experiences. We are surmising, guessing what would we do in those circumstances..

A good friend would be there after he has made his decisions about his life, not try to influence or sympathise with him.

Note: Remember Claayer is permanet president of the screwies!

I still disagree..

I think I'm close to the top of the list...

That's ok. It'd be a dull life if we all agreed on everything.

haha yeah it would.

people are each living for themselves even in the marriage. In a marriage the two people become one in all things. When each think of themselves they are not in marriage but a convience of law or fien morallity.

In a marriage the one which is both have goals for the family above all other things. This keeps the two busy enough. If each desire something to reach the goals of the family...then plans need to made for them. Now a person can not go through life without things that are only for the family. It is not possible or healthy. If a womans fancy is toward a necklace, then it should be seen to be aquired out of love of the family toward her. The same when a man fancys a new grill. Out of love the family should provide the reasonable desires of each in the family. To cater to an overselfish person is wrong on all parties in the family. Marriage......one made of two as one. Family.......several made as one for all. ...........LOVE!

There were a lot of should's in there , but I like your ideals.