Connecting Singles^® Forums100% Free Online Dating

"...if you become uncomfortable when things get close, it's not simply because you need a larger apartment. If you've fallen in love with too many inappropriate people, it's not only because you have a big heart. If you've never been able to sustain a relationship for more than a year, it's not because of fluctuatiing biorhythms or transiting planets. If all of your partners had serious commitment problems...it's not just an unfortunate coincidence. If you always choose people who are emotionally unavailable, it's not because socialization cuts us off from our feelings. If the love of your life is married to someone else, it;s not just your bad luck. If everyone you meet is geographically unavailable, it's not an inevitable consequence of the jet age. If many of the people you get involved with have problems with addictions, it's not only because of the breakdown of the family system. If you can't find anyone who is "marriage material," it's not because there is a shortage of people who are. If everyone you cared about had a tragic flaw, it's not because everyone is tragically flawed.

"The reasons why so many of your relationships have failed aren't out there somewhere in the ether; they are right here - within you."

This is but a small sampling of a book that I firmly believe ought to be mandatory reading for everyone here - and anyone in a relationship - who wants to understand WTF has been or is going wrong in his or her relationship.

Does any of the above seem to apply to you? In my perusings of the forums, I swear I've seen people say stuff like this a hundred times.

I wonder if any of you would care to join me in a brutally honest discussion of what REALLY has been and is going on in our relationships? (Gee, that sounds like a world of fun, doesn't it!! .

Jeff

I figured out a couple of years ago that all of my past relationships had one single common denominator. Me.

I suspect that's a helluva good start, Dave.

What's the book called?

It's so much easier to blame everyone else though. That looking in the mirror thing really sucks sometimes.

Sometimes I think we are so quick to blame the other person we are in a relationship with for the reason it did not work.... Its like anything in life... something is occurring on both sides to cause the end result. I think the opportunity to escape or run rather than working through some of the issues has been the easy solution for most. But then again you can't work on the issue if the other person is not open to that...JMO

I just Googled it..

Is this it? He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

is that it Jeff?

hellooo Ginger (Susan/Bernadette)

Hi Claayer

HE'S SCARED, SHE'S SCARED, Ginger.

My suggestion would be to bring your relationship conundrums here, and let's see what Steven Carter and Julia Sokol (book authors) have to say about them?

Please don't make me start the ball rolling, I beg of you!!

Are you tunning into " Auntie Ambrose" Jeff?

I have learned from experience that if I am overwhelmingly attracted to someone, I need to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction because she will be very unhealthy for me.

There is a lot of lip service to self denial and people seeking affirmation of blame in a psuedo support system that denies self involvement.

The problem is, as I see it of course, when you're open, honest and up front with people about your own feck ups including feelings, some people tend to treat us as weak,, instead of as indentured comrades, with the common foibles of humanity. I think, personally, its a control issue, or lack thereof in self, that manifests as a need to control others. Blame is just the cuffs they try to put on you. It is generally off putting for most , if furthering mankind as a responsible species is the objective.

I make me happy, I make me sad.

yes lets invite disaster

I know my first marriage was for all the wrong reasons, it was the thought of being married that sounded good, no more not having a boyfriend etc. I met him and got engaged on the second date and married three months later. During those three months before the marriage saw a lot of him getting into fights, being rude to his mother etc, but the invitations had already gone out. I found out he only asked to get married because his family wanted him to marry someone in his own nationality and did not like him being with his cousin so much as though more was going on between them. He said he was just going to get married then divorce me but I got pregnant so how could he leave now.


Second marriage nightmare at a later date.

I guess you've chosen an emotionaly taboo subject jeff ..