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Aries01: Why after centuries of relationships and decades of 'relationship experts' do we know even less about love....

Relationships are relationships whether they are with family, friend or partner.. and they WILL hit bumps along the way, sometimes even GIANT boarders... but love.. genuine love that is, is supposed to be the fuel that enables us endure these trials, because it is the fuel that gives us the endurance and determination to push forward...

We wouldn't dump our parents, siblings or best friend in times of trial would we? the same should go for a partner... this is why friendship is sooooo important in a relationship... it is a solid foundation.... we tend to expect something supernatural from the opposite sex... why??... media perhaps?.. celebrity culture and Hollywood... cmon people... get a grip... do we want to grow old with our wives/husbands beside us, lots of grandchildren, and happy kids.... or two we want to have a string of 'exes' behind us cause we couldn't be bothered to put up with their 'habits' endure trials etc.... or are we going to stick with it, work on it.. forgive if necessary (no matter how hard) and move on!!

Sommerauer71: You just do, if it is love then it will survive, or it should...

Whatever has happened, yet people give up...

There are not many things that I would not forgive, I have forgiven many, that does not make me a doormat, nor does it make me take anything, but if I love a person I would do anything to help it survive, like a child or animal that needs love, you feed it, nurture it, help it, love it...

Yet some people are never able to grasp that context...

shipoker58: DIVORCE

Dknew: Communication is a big thing in a relationship, Something I learned to late.

somechick: So is friendship,compassion,understanding.

somechick: So is friendship,compassion,understanding.

Lonely1: and forgetting.

Besame: If I knew the answer, I wouldn't be on a dating website

Lonely1: and forgetting.

somechick: Being loving and sharing love keeps love alive. Being loving and sharing love means:

When each person learns to take responsibility for their own feelings rather than making the other person responsible for their feelings of worth, lovability, security, happiness, joy or pain.
When each person has their own and their partner’s highest good at heart. when we both support our own and our partner’s joy and well being. Both of us are considerate of the other person without giving ourselves up.
When each person chooses to be honest and authentic about how we feel and what we want and don’t want. That we are each willing to speak our truth without blame or judgment.
That each person stays open to learning about our own and our partner’s wants, needs, and fears, especially in conflict.
I think what keeps love alive is each person’s willingness to do whatever inner work is necessary to keep the heart open to loving and learning. Controlling behavior is motivated by fear – of loss of self and loss of other, of engulfment and rejection, of smothering and abandonment.

When each person is willing to do the inner work necessary to heal these fears, they are able to keep their hearts open more and more of the time. Love flows freely when hearts are open to loving and learning.JMO

somechick: Hi Lonely

So is forgiving but I don't forget and I also don't hold a grudge nor try to get even cause two wrongs don't make a right.

HJFinAZ: No, no, no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never forget...

Always allow the resentment to slowly fester in the back of the mine so one can have ammo to do a future battle..

Lonely1: So true, Sommer. Sometimes I feel, however, that a little shaking up, so to speak, is in order. I mean, if I am always coming home drunk, which upsets you, and you argue with me about it, you would think I would learn, right?

I think some marriages end because some people don't learn from their mistakes......etc. Also some mistakes are forgiven, but never forgotten. So we always think about it and wonder when it is going to happen again. Plus, when we believe someone deliberately set out to hurt us, the line between forgive and forget becomes blurred.

Of course, my feeling is that some divorces first began as a dare, and for no other good reason. JMO

Sommerauer71: I want to challenge you on your final statement...

Perhaps you can upack that one for me...

If my partner comes home drunk all the time, then I would approach it this way..'Darling, I fear for your health, perhaps we could look at ways to deal with your cominng home drunk every night' The operative word being 'we' Not 'you' are doing this.

I would not argue about it, it is pointless, all that achieves is the other party justifying their reasons in continuing this behaviour.

If a person is unhappy, I would spot it, if a person said 'I no longer want to be with you' I would accept as hard as it is...

True grounded love comes from understanding, being able to vocalise, speaking up for oneself, helping, supporting, loving, assisting, not spitefulness and vengeance...

Then after all that, the person continues, then that is the time to close the door, if you love that person you will try to reapir the situation, if you cannot then you have to close the door.

Ultimatums are not always the key, but after everything, trying everything and it still does not work, then that is the time to say goodbye...

Love is trying it all, when all has ran out, then love is no longer a factor...

Lonely1: I always knew you were human!

Sommerauer71:
If my partner comes home drunk all the time, then I would approach it this way..'Darling, I fear for your health, perhaps we could look at ways to deal with your cominng home drunk every night' The operative word being 'we' Not 'you' are doing this.

HJFinAZ: May wish to consider an Al Anon meeting or 2...

It took a few years, but I finally learned I could change nobody but me..

Lonely1: This one needs some serious thought. BRB.