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hmm i dont have anything wise to say here. ... maybe woody if you find someone whom even your daughter starts liking and gets along with i think gradually she will understand how u feel and may be ready to accept another person in your world.

Well the thing about children is that they are champions at using what I call "emotional blackmail" to make us parents feel guilty (sometimes in small ways sometimes in big ways). Because we love them so much, it's difficult to watch them suffer while they work through their own emotions (whether the emotions are warranted or not and whether they are the result of their own actions or not). If they can pin their emotional turmoil on something we have done or are doing then our feelings are mixed with guilt and it makes it all the more difficult think clearly for us. But more impotantly also for them because all the while they are focusing on what we are doing or not doing they are not working on themselves and their own emotional growth.

To know for sure one has to separate the "guilt factor" from the equation ... then look at what feelings are left within ourselves ...

Alabame is right.. its her grief and her issue (however understandable) which she is projecting on you... maybe tell her that you have no intention of rushing into things.. and you need company and companianship like everyone else... which u do you are only human... and its even worse when u have been fortunate enough to have a fabulous marraige.. the hole is so much larger...

She will come around... ultimately she loves you... so her concern for your happiness as opposed to her grief (and desire to keep the status quo) will eventually sink in!!

Best of luck..

Woody, doesn't she have a boyfriend, husband, her own family by now? If she does, why wouldn't she want to let you do the same? If she doesn't, maybe it's the high time she focused on that rather than living in her memories of the beloved people that have passed and will NOT return? Can you tell her than her brother AND Mom would be the happiest to see you and her happy?[/quote

No, darlin. She just finished her masters degree and is job hunting. Mentally she knows whats going on but emotionally is a different story. My family, all my family, was/is really tight. Blood is thicker than anything and we've always acted accordingly. My wife's passing due to cancer was something out of a nightmare - only happened to other people, not us. Life gives you a rude awakening! Like I said earlier, we had a "fairy tail" life until this. For me, over the course of the 3 1/2 years that my wife fought her disease, we came to grips with what was to be. Not what we wanted, but had time to say our goodbys. Don't know that that was the case with my daughter. Not sure that any children can/could accept the mortality of their parents. Not much choice tho, she had to deal with it and she has very well until this. And we have talked about it. Still don't think she can accept it, tho. Mentally yes, but emotionally, no. Maybe time will make a difference? Don't know, but personnally I can't be anything but what I am.

I think that if you've already spoken to your daughter and she is a very adult one...the problem is hers.
You can well avoid contact with both of them but move on my friend.
I'm glad you met someone. Good luck with it!

Ha ha.. emotionally we can all revert to being childlike at times.... last Easter was the first time my mum didn't get us all chocolate Easter eggs.. just the grandchildren... anyway... when I saw a few in the kitchen I immediately went to open one and tuck in until my mum and my sis said it wasn't for me.... it stung I can tell ya... im 35+ but Im still my parents 'child'... I think we can cling onto that a bit like a security blanket.. it gives us a sense of calm knowing that no matter how crazy the world gets, you still have the 'normality'(relative of course!! ) of home... so changes as big as what you are all going through now... are hard.. and they will take time.. just move forward with your life... ur daughters ultimate concern for YOUR wellbeing will bring it all back together.. when she's ready

I meant, avoid contact BETWEEN both of them

Hmmm... Therein quite possibly lies the rub - If he were first in her life, then it would be easier to tell if she's first in his. Right now, it would appear that you are first in her life and vice/versa. And if that's the case then you're both stagnating. It's okay for both of you to realize that you can lead your own lives and still be there for each other.

It would seem that you are both climbing a cliff and got stalled on a ledge about half-way up. You have realized that if you don't let go of one toe-hold, you'll never be able to reach the next. She is still clinging to the ledge because she's afraid if she lets go she'll fall.

It's always a little further to the top than you think, but not nearly as far as it is to the bottom.

As much as it might hurt you to see her temporarily alone and stranded on the ledge, it's time for you to set an example and start climbing again before you both fall. She's still young. She has plenty of time to climb. You don't. So save yourself first, then if she still needs it, you can show her where the handholds are. If she's the kind of gal you've led us to believe then she'll eventually follow your lead and maybe even beat you to the top!


Luck...

Woody, I understand your pain and uncertaintly on how to deal with your daughter´s pain and insecurities about your choice to move on in your life.... but she is a grown woman and you are no longer responsible for how she feels.

Of course there should be discussion between you and you should try to reassure her that your love for her and her mother will never change.... but you still have a life to live and deserve some happiness and companionship and she is going to have to deal with that reality.

We can´t spend our entire lives living for our children... at some point they need to become responsible for their own issues and all we as parents can do is love them and be as supportive as we can.

Thanks Aries! Yeah, I know what your saying. Had that conversation with her and I'm sure your right about the grief thing. It's a bitch to say the least!! Guess the problem revolves around the time thing. Takes time (more time for some) to get beyond it. We've talked and she admits its her and it just seems "really weird".

Maybe so, but she's out on a limb all by herself, or almost so. I think she's looking at the fact that she's lost her mom and her brother. I'm the ONLY one left. Now I have my daughter checking up on me - when are you going to be home, ect. Lol!! Funny, but at the same time, not funny. Know what I mean?? And yeah, I'm going to continue to live my life the way I see fit - only way I know how to do it. Tracy will survive, but it doesn't make it any easier on either one of us. Maybe just a time factor? Not really sure; just try to muddle thru.

HEY! Wake up an smell the roses!
She's THIRTY! She is doing a Masters Degree which means she is well educated. YOU probably paid for most of that education.

She is manipulative and quite frankly at THIRTY (or even twenty), pathetic.

The relationship from parent to child is very different from that of child to parent. But she IS THIRTY. Get on with your life and let her get on with hers. I am sure there is some thirty something guy out there willing to do to her what she is doing to you. You can't live her life for her.

Woody... She REALLY should be husband-hunting now... I'd tell her you will rather provide for her financially, so she doesn't have to worry about finding a job, rather than you being the only person she can rely on emotionally. Really.

He's right, harsh as it sounds. Besides, she needs to be prepared to move on when YOU are no longer here for her. It sounds like you've enabled her up to this point, so it's not fair to just suddenly move on, but gradually you should.

Look at it this way, you will help prepare her for her future by showing her now, by example to get on with life. You can be patient, but only so much. Don't let guilt get in the way of what you know is best for her and you.

Kansan

What a brilliant analogy.

Woody..

YOu are an adult and you do not have to explain yourself to your daughter. Personally, I think she is being ridiculous.

However much you love her, you deserve a life, she is 30 years old and has hers, by behaving this way she is preventing you from having yours and that is not love, that is being selfish.

YOu have assured her that she will be 1st, always, she needs to learn to believe that.

Carry on your relationship with her as you have done, as her father, but do not compromise yourself because your daughter is unhappy.

Trying to be rational with the irrational is impossible.

My husband passed away a year ago woody so I know how you feel.

For me I'm not ready to move on and date yet and I don't know if and when I ever will. I have to admit that I'm scared to death of ever putting my heart out there for fear I'm going to get hurt again.

I guess everyone grieves differently.


As for your daughter having a problem with you dating again I'd give her some time cause she's still going through the griving process.


I remember when my father passed away and when my mother began dating after sometime went by and met and married my stepfather. I didn't like the fact that another man would be taking my dad's place or at least I thought so at the time. But then after awhile I realized my mother had a right to be happy again and that this stranger wasn't really trying to take my father's place.

I may take sometime woody but your daughter will come around just give her sometime.

Of the 50-60 women I've dated since being single...I can't think of any women my son has really liked.

Oh Woody...

Hey Woody...I did not know about your wife passing away...My condolences to you and your daughter.

I think if your daughter became friends with your new girlfriend, that would help matters.

Does your daughter live close by? Maybe she could have a one on one dinner with her and allow them to become friends.

good luck to you my friend...

Woody you have explained to your daughter how you fee and you are ready to move on...Obviously she is still grieving but that doesn't mean she gets to control your life, not does it mean you have to continually explain and justify your decisions....she needs to realize that her grieving for her mother is her own and that her grief has nothing to do with...nor will it effect your decisions....don't let her control you by having fits at 30 years old...losing a parent can be tough but she is certainly old enough to deal with her own grief....

Ask her how she would feel if you told her when and who she could date....my guess is she wouldn't like it a bit....