According to campaign managers, the triple ticket will run on a revolutionary new platform crafted during three highly contentious weeks in April.
At the top of the platform is a military strategy calling for the phased withdrawal of .000006 brigades from Iraq and Afghanistan every seven months over the next 350 years. Universal health care would also be provided, taken away on McCain's birthday, and then provided again only to those wealthy enough to afford it. Abortions would be made available on every other even-numbered Friday from 3:00 to 4:00 p.m. EST to all women who can prove residency in Alaska or Nevada. And an entirely new immigration policy will be instituted, sources said, as soon as the candidates can stand to be in the same room with one another for more than five minutes.
Aides to Sen. Clinton also confirmed that the trio plans to create two separate federal governments—one large and one small—which would be instituted within the first 100 days of the Clinton/McCain/Obama White House or, according to Obama chief strategist David Axelrod, the Obama/McCain/Clinton White House.
"Getting three political all-stars together like this is a clear lose-lose-lose situation for everyone involved," NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell said. "By themselves, none would have been capable of uniting the country. But the possibilities of what they could do together to drive it ever further apart are limitless."
A CBS News/New York Times poll taken after the announcement revealed that the nightmare ticket has invigorated almost all voters, inspiring blacks, whites, senior citizens, college graduates, liberals, conservatives, both blue-collar and white-collar workers, and military veterans alike to remain at home by the millions this November, exercising their American right not to vote.
"So now a vote for Clinton is also a vote for McCain and Obama?" 43-year-old West Virginia resident Joe Biller said. "Jesus Christ."
Added Biller. "Looks like I'll be going with Nader/LaRouche/Sharpton/Ventura/Edwards after all."
