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havent read the whole thread so not too sure if theres been a womans perspective on the subject.

once upon a time i would have wondered too babyvixon . . i would have said it was selfishness etc.

that was until i met a man that had three kids himself . . "not a problem" i thought . . "i can do this". i'm a great mama . . . and it was great for while . . when we had our own places . . we were together for 3 years and the trouble didnt start until i moved in with them all. it lasted for less than a year after that.

i tired . . i really tried . . i really loved that guy and i still miss him at times. but being a step parent is one of the toughest things i've ever done. and yes i'd think very carefully before entering into another relationship where there were young children involved.
these days i have a lot more respect for people who make it work . . and i also respect those who dont want to do it . . its a huge responsibility and it takes more than a dash of sainthood . .

Well put huhanna. Just the going out with a woman and her children was an adventure. Not quite ready for that yet.

I've heard this storie before and i'm sorry to hear it again. My experiences have been with moms with young children that seem more accepting and one of wich stood up in his high chair and screemed 'i want my f-ing fries' at a resturant,, true class there.


Dennis

WOW i said that in one sentance.
I have dated women with older children and tho i know better, i probably will again.


Dennis

There's no understanding why.....they just do.....

Just because you go out with a woman who has kids dos'nt mean she needs or wants you to take of them......she's well capable of doing all that on her own.....

It's kinda like what clayeer said......

If a man already has kids then he may have some understanding about the whole thing....it's down to maturity also.....some guys dont ever want to grow up....

Personally - I remember the "loving negotiations" that I went through with my spouse - we basically defined parenting strategies (and boundaries) before having kids. We agreed that we had to be a team. We were fairly close (strategy-wise) to begin with but as usual (me being the guy) I was a bit more of a disciplinarian. We worked it out - had kids - and never surprised each other much as we raised them. Luckily we stayed together until they were pretty much raised.

When you meet another with children - it brings many more things into the picture. Lotsa insecurities about what to do in situations. Plus - there is no man/woman/sexual link between a possible step-father and a 9 year old kid who may want his old Dad back.

People always know about my daughter up front. I don't wait to tell them, either. I'm a mom. It's the most important thing I'll ever do. Why wouldn't I want someone I'm interested in to know. I'm certainly not ashamed of her. No one has EVER had a problem with me being a mom.

I am not a runner. If I like her and she happens to be a pre-fab, I'll accept the complete package...hopefully, she would too.

When my kids were young, I was very insulted when guys were not interested in me because I had young kids....now that they are grown and out of the house, I'm suddenly on the other side of the equation. I've met a guy who has young kids and I'm so not willing to go through that again. I love kids...I'm a teacher for God's sake...but "been there - done that" I really don't want to start over....so I'm saying goodbye to the guy.

You should be thankful that these guys are honest enough to say they can't be a dad to your kids.

Hi Babyvixon,

Not all men do, but I understand where your comin from.
Your child is part of you and never aceept nothing but 100 %.

It will get better.

If you look at a "normal" relationship... a couple has a chance to date one on one for for a while, get married, and have some time to adjust to those changes before having kids. The ready made family situation can be difficult as it´s very hard to have much one on one time with each other and really get to know one another.

Then there is the situation from the kids perspective... they have gotten used to mom or dad being there just for them, now there is another person taking up attention and time... and lets be honest, new love can be very selfish, you´re totally wrapped up in each other, which is normal but it can be difficult for kids to accept.

Also people are in different stages of their life... either they are young and not ready for kids yet or the could be on the other side and have already raised their kids and are enjoying some freedom for the first time in 20 years... that´s the stage I´m in, and maybe it´s selfish, but I´m finished raising kids and really enjoying the freedom I have.

I really hate seeing comments like "if they don´t accept your kids then they aren´t worth it" making it sound like because you are in a stage of your life that you don´t want to take one someone elses chilren, makes you a bad person.

Well there might be a couple of reasons why men run from a single parent:

1.) The woman might owe thousands of dollars so for the man to be with a woman like that that owes money plus a child is no good

2.) Some men don't have families & going with a woman with a kid is a big step just like having a child is a big step

3.) Problems with the father ( no child support to help you out leaving the money situation partly on us)


4.) But I think most of all is that no matter what the woman says that you wont have to take care of this child all in all we no dought will have to take care of the child that isn't ours & that really is the main reason

Really then why are you still on connecting singles!?

Hi...............tis a sad fact of life that other men's kids are a pain in the arse.

We sometimes forget that it needs a little bit of communication to make things work.

Just because the two adults get along well it does not mean the chemistry is perfect with the kids.

My stepdad, whom I call simply "dad", was younger than my mom, did not have any kid himself, raised as the only child in his family and then he met mom.

The married and he become part of our family.

Just like that?

No... We had to sit down and have a "presentation" and a few "directives".

1. "Mom marries this guy, not you. So you should first of all check with me if anything bothers you."

2. She told us that he never had any children so he don’t know how hopeless impossible or how perfectly wonderful we can be at times, so we should concentrate on the later to begin with.

3. They told us how they met, from where he came and how he grows up, so we could catch up a little on the story.

I and my sister was 6 and 8 at the time.

By that, we had been introduced. We suddenly know a lot more about this guy, the ice was broken, no fears and it went very well.

Talking to kids about grown up matters does help, and asking us as kids to be supportive before it is needed is just as important.

Funny thing is - today I have a better relation to my stepdad than to my mom.

Until this point - get a baby sitter. As mom said - she wanted this guy, not us, so we should be very much out of the picture until things get really serious.

I can´t tell you how much I agree with this statement!!!!! I made the decision that I wouldn´t have a serious relationship while I was raising my daughter... not a choice I would expect from others but one I felt comfortable with.

Since my daughters dad wasn´t a part of her life after the divorce I was really fortunate to have a family that realized I needed some time on my own for a "grown up life" and my parents, brothers and sisters used to take turns having my daughter a couple of weekends a month.

I dated, but my daughter was never exposed to that aspect of my life, or the men that were a part of it. I remember going out with a man who brought his child on our first date...I could only imagine what this poor kid would go through, being exposed to date after date, getting attached and then losing that person... some people just don´t think about what they put their kids through!

I don't,and if I were to,at my age...35,I'd be excluding half the woman,and missing out on opportunity to meet the right one.





I MEAN*DEEP ECHO*..........






THEEEEEEEE ONE!!!!lol

You're overlooking a very important issue:

Most single moms are overprotecting over her kids!

Main reason why my last marriage failed was the daughter (about 12 when I met her). After being married to her it turned out that the puberting daughter was allowed to do anything, and when I said something, I was the bad guy. She also had a son, where I had an excellent relation to!

When single moms getting married again, they just looking for financial security and the "bread winner" only functions as a 5th wheel on a wagon! Some men don't worry as long as the food's on the table (and sometimes in bed ) , but I am expecting much more from a relationship - but that's my problem!