The Truth Hurts
1. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a
stick of celery. (Now there's some Bush compassion
2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have
got fat in four years.'
3 - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
4 - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
5 - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.
Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
6 - A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his
head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
7 - In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth
was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
8 - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
9 - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was 'taste in clothing'
10 - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
11 - In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that
they play a game of Russian Roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a
semi-automatic.
12 - - When his .38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel
and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.
13 - An American teenager was in hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told the police that he was simply
trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.