Chemistry

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Justme4uok Northern CA, California USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:28 PM CST : Chemistry

Scientists tell us love is all in our mind or brain, based on a chemical reaction fueled by chemicals. When two people are attracted to each other, a virtual explosion of adrenaline-like nuerochemicals gush forth. Fireworks explode and we see stars. Some of you may experience something a little different but it’s your unique way of being smitten.

Singles search for love armed with a list of qualities desired in a mate/lover, such as honesty, fidelity, loyalty, sense of humor, intelligence, warmth, etc. Yet when that person appears they say, he/she is a really nice person, but nothing clicked, just no "chemistry."

Some people become veritable love junkies. They need chemistry or this chemical excitement to feel happy about and intoxicated by life. Once this initial rush of chemicals wanes (inevitable after six months to three years, depending on the individual and the circumstances), their relationship crumbles. They're soon off again, seeking a quick fix to their forlorn feelings: another chemical high from infatuation.

So is this why so many of us are still here on CS?

Do we place too much value on the chemistry rather than the other things that we believe are so important in a mate? Could we possibly find that person and have the chemistry follow if we gave it some time?

mbcasey North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:34 PM CST : Chemistry

Great question Dori.

Chemistry seems important at first, then it dissapates as the relationship goes further, which is natural. Maybe too much emphasis is placed on chemistry which only leads to being disappointed later when it fades.

Justme4uok Northern CA, California USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:38 PM CST : Chemistry

mbcasey: Great question Dori.

Chemistry seems important at first, then it dissapates as the relationship goes further, which is natural. Maybe too much emphasis is placed on chemistry which only leads to being disappointed later when it fades.

Now I realize attraction plays a big part in all this, but can you separate the attraction from the chemistry?

Sommerauer71 Salzburg, Salzburg Austria

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:41 PM CST : Chemistry

Great question.

Chemistry...

Yes we all want that explosion that makes us see those stars you mention...

And Ken is right, so why is it so hard to keep that initial chemistry going?

I do not think it is. I think as the relationship grows, you become used to each other...

Well, not this time with me, I have stated that one thing we do not do is forget why we fell for each other. Remind ourselves of that each day, a song, a tune, a thought. a funny movie.

We humans mess with relationships, not the other way around.

Yes, chemistry is important. One sentence that I will never tire of hearing, is this and he knows it, 'I am taking you home to bed'

If he says that to me everyday, he will have me for life.

We seem to think chemistry, is something that is automatic and then we all get disappointed when it is no longer there.

It is something that two people create, when they connect it sets off the feel good endorphins in our bodies.

Up to us to create our chemistry and sustain it.

mbcasey North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:42 PM CST : Chemistry

Justme4uok: Now I realize attraction plays a big part in all this, but can you separate the attraction from the chemistry?

I think all emotions are intermingled which makes up chemistry, so I don't think you can separate out attraction from chemistry.

Personally, I want to place more emphasis on the cognitive aspects of meeting someone and less emotions guiding me. It seems my heart is losing the battle and my brain is saying, 'why did I do that"?...

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:42 PM CST : Chemistry

Dori, what an interesting question. And some very interesting information. Cool!

I think it takes both. I need certain criteria to be met now to match right with someone. That's the logical part of what will make it work long term. And I need that chemistry, that attraction and fire. It's just as important as the other part. But it's more than sexual attraction in that chemistry.

I met a guy on another site several months ago, and we went on a couple of dates. The sexual attraction was there. That part was good. The basic interests and compatibility are there. That part is still good...we remain good friends, and email and call each other still. We had a lot in common. If we decided to make a go of it, we could be great companions with a decent sex life.

But, we can't settle for that. There was something else missing...that "heart spark", as I call it. And we both felt that lack, and need more. I love him dearly...as a friend. If he finds someone, I'll be very happy for him. And it wouldn't bother me to see them together. That's how I know it's not Mr. Right for me.

Justme4uok Northern CA, California USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:45 PM CST : Chemistry

Sommerauer71: Great question.

Chemistry...

Yes we all want that explosion that makes us see those stars you mention...

And Ken is right, so why is it so hard to keep that initial chemistry going?

I do not think it is. I think as the relationship grows, you become used to each other...

Well, not this time with me, I have stated that one thing we do not do is forget why we fell for each other. Remind ourselves of that each day, a song, a tune, a thought. a funny movie.

We humans mess with relationships, not the other way around.

Yes, chemistry is important. One sentence that I will never tire of hearing, is this and he knows it, 'I am taking you home to bed'

If he says that to me everyday, he will have me for life.

We seem to think chemistry, is something that is automatic and then we all get disappointed when it is no longer there.

It is something that two people create, when they connect it sets off the feel good endorphins in our bodies.

Up to us to create our chemistry and sustain it.

So if we continue to keep the relationship new and fresh? I do believe that after we get into a relationship we become very comfortable and complacent.... No one continues to put the effort forth to keep it alive sometimes.....

Justme4uok Northern CA, California USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:46 PM CST : Chemistry

mbcasey: I think all emotions are intermingled which makes up chemistry, so I don't think you can separate out attraction from chemistry.

Personally, I want to place more emphasis on the cognitive aspects of meeting someone and less emotions guiding me. It seems my heart is losing the battle and my brain is saying, 'why did I do that"?...

Your not the only one that feels like your loosing the battle.....

Beethovenfan West County St. Louis , Missouri USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:47 PM CST : Chemistry

I need the chemistry...Other women I talk say that there love with a man developed over a long period of time...For me,
I usually know instantly if I am attracted to one or not, and it is not all about looks...

mbcasey North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:47 PM CST : Chemistry

Sommerauer71: Great question.

Chemistry...

Yes we all want that explosion that makes us see those stars you mention...

And Ken is right, so why is it so hard to keep that initial chemistry going?

I do not think it is. I think as the relationship grows, you become used to each other...

Well, not this time with me, I have stated that one thing we do not do is forget why we fell for each other. Remind ourselves of that each day, a song, a tune, a thought. a funny movie.

We humans mess with relationships, not the other way around.

Yes, chemistry is important. One sentence that I will never tire of hearing, is this and he knows it, 'I am taking you home to bed'

If he says that to me everyday, he will have me for life.

We seem to think chemistry, is something that is automatic and then we all get disappointed when it is no longer there.

It is something that two people create, when they connect it sets off the feel good endorphins in our bodies.

Up to us to create our chemistry and sustain it.

Couples who do work on chemistry usually have a great relationship.

I get too wrapped up in chemistry in the initial stages of a relationship and need to put more emphasis on logical reasons why I want to be with this person.

dcj22 Somewhere, Kansas USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:48 PM CST : Chemistry

mbcasey: I think all emotions are intermingled which makes up chemistry, so I don't think you can separate out attraction from chemistry.

Personally, I want to place more emphasis on the cognitive aspects of meeting someone and less emotions guiding me. It seems my heart is losing the battle and my brain is saying, 'why did I do that"?...

Maybe it's best to find someone you click with as a friend and then see if fireworks grow from the friendship. It can happen. I've seen it. And I've experienced it. After all, you want to be friends for life, as well as lovers.

Maybe we put too much emphasis on the initial fireworks and the lovers part of the equation. You can still have chemistry with someone you are friends with. Otherwise, you wouldn't be drawn to one another as friends, right?

Sommerauer71 Salzburg, Salzburg Austria

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:48 PM CST : Chemistry

Justme4uok: So if we continue to keep the relationship new and fresh? I do believe that after we get into a relationship we become very comfortable and complacent.... No one continues to put the effort forth to keep it alive sometimes.....

Exactly.

Different for me this time, we have both agreed that we will...

It is an unwritten rule...

Cannot be too hard can it? To remember why you fell in love in the first place..

Justme4uok Northern CA, California USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:49 PM CST : Chemistry

druidess6308: Dori, what an interesting question. And some very interesting information. Cool!

I think it takes both. I need certain criteria to be met now to match right with someone. That's the logical part of what will make it work long term. And I need that chemistry, that attraction and fire. It's just as important as the other part. But it's more than sexual attraction in that chemistry.

I met a guy on another site several months ago, and we went on a couple of dates. The sexual attraction was there. That part was good. The basic interests and compatibility are there. That part is still good...we remain good friends, and email and call each other still. We had a lot in common. If we decided to make a go of it, we could be great companions with a decent sex life.

But, we can't settle for that. There was something else missing...that "heart spark", as I call it. And we both felt that lack, and need more. I love him dearly...as a friend. If he finds someone, I'll be very happy for him. And it wouldn't bother me to see them together. That's how I know it's not Mr. Right for me.

Thanks Dru for sharing your view on all this.... so you have an additional item on your check list that some make categorize elsewhere.... Heart spark, I like it!

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:50 PM CST : Chemistry

Sommerauer71: Great question.

Chemistry...

Yes we all want that explosion that makes us see those stars you mention...

And Ken is right, so why is it so hard to keep that initial chemistry going?

I do not think it is. I think as the relationship grows, you become used to each other...

Well, not this time with me, I have stated that one thing we do not do is forget why we fell for each other. Remind ourselves of that each day, a song, a tune, a thought. a funny movie.

We humans mess with relationships, not the other way around.

Yes, chemistry is important. One sentence that I will never tire of hearing, is this and he knows it, 'I am taking you home to bed'

If he says that to me everyday, he will have me for life.

We seem to think chemistry, is something that is automatic and then we all get disappointed when it is no longer there.

It is something that two people create, when they connect it sets off the feel good endorphins in our bodies.

Up to us to create our chemistry and sustain it.

Sommer, you're spot on here. With my late husband, we had it all. It was friendship that created the spark. Talking, getting to know each other, anticipating seeing the other again...and it grew very quickly into so much more. We never took what we had, or each other, for granted. He said he always knew when it was 4:32 pm. That's when his phone rang for me to find out where he was and what he was doing as I started my car to leave work. He always had his phone where he wouldn't miss that call. We couldn't wait to see each other again...every single day. It was only 2 years, but it was the best two years of my life.

With the gentleman I mentioned above, we tried a few times over a period of several months to make a go of it. Each time, we noticed the same thing. We could have companionship and sex...but romantic love was missing. And we both need that to be part of it. We could settle, and be reasonably happy...but not really happy. And we agree that we each deserve to be really happy.

wixomwizard Wixom, Michigan USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:51 PM CST : Chemistry

I never had chemistry in school or anywhere else for that matter. Relationships tend to get blown to hell without it anyway.

...

mbcasey North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:52 PM CST : Chemistry

dcj22: Maybe it's best to find someone you click with as a friend and then see if fireworks grow from the friendship. It can happen. I've seen it. And I've experienced it. After all, you want to be friends for life, as well as lovers.

Maybe we put too much emphasis on the initial fireworks and the lovers part of the equation. You can still have chemistry with someone you are friends with. Otherwise, you wouldn't be drawn to one another as friends, right?

Now that is terrific advice...thank you Dana...

Justme4uok Northern CA, California USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:52 PM CST : Chemistry

Sommerauer71: Exactly.

Different for me this time, we have both agreed that we will...

It is an unwritten rule...

Cannot be too hard can it? To remember why you fell in love in the first place..

I remember reading somewhere that if you continue to do everything you did to catch your mate after you have caught them that the likelyhood of the relationship survival was increased tenfold. So why do we get so complacent? Is it as a result of what life throws at us?

druidess6308 Reverse, Pennsylvania USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:52 PM CST : Chemistry

Justme4uok: Thanks Dru for sharing your view on all this.... so you have an additional item on your check list that some make categorize elsewhere.... Heart spark, I like it!

Yes, heart spark. Gene and I had friendship, chemistry, and heart spark. I need all three again. I think that combination is what it really takes to make it last.

Sommerauer71 Salzburg, Salzburg Austria

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:59 PM CST : Chemistry

mbcasey: Couples who do work on chemistry usually have a great relationship.

I get too wrapped up in chemistry in the initial stages of a relationship and need to put more emphasis on logical reasons why I want to be with this person.

Hi Ken

But is that not all part of the chemistry? Wanting to be with them?

Chemistry to me is such a huge part of a relationship.

It is there, each day, remember the first time you met them? And you fell for them?

Oh I do, at the aiport, he swung by in his car, put the window down and he asked me if I wanted a lift?

The second time, it was the same, the third time it will be.

Every day, remember those times when you first met...

Chemistry is something that is created and not just there.

PPV walks through the door and shouts, KISS ME NOW...

I smile, and I pretend I have not heard him, and he knows I am doing that...

Laughter is part of it too... You have to make each other laugh everyday.

Finding that with a person is not easy, but even if there is a small spark, it can grow, just chuck some petrol on it and see what happens.

Love and chemistry should be fun, powerful, we are in control of our relationship, we should keep that control and use it to our best advantage and keep the fire burning.

Big_John Ocean Springs, Mississippi USA

Sat Jan 3, 2009 12:59 PM CST : Chemistry

I don't know if I believe in love at first site, but I do believe in chemistry at first site. I either feel something or I don't. The chemistry doesn't grow in time for me. If the chemistry is there I know love can grow over time.

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