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Love is selfish yet selfless –

it only becomes selfless when it reaches certain level, when two people blend into unity. They are still 2 people, but there is this ‘oneness’ in between them. Ever tried to be selfish to yourself?

Like I said before, I don’t believe that everybody has the ability to love. http://www.connectingsingles.com/poll_0_1788_7/is_love_enough.htm?nt=6

Doesn’t mean that others are doomed to be alone. Partnerships/friendships of all sorts, with different degree of emotional attachments to each other work too.
Sometimes people grow more and more together, sometimes they grow apart… Some do take this chance, some don’t…

As for "preconcieved notions" -
People have their personal inclinations, which may agree or disagree with notions of society. It doesn’t really matter. Only their compatibility matters, these two people internal inclinations should match each other, not 'preconceived notions of society'.

The fear of “marital chains” is also not natural. It is mainly a 'preconceived notions of society' as well. It is also possible that for some it’s a personal inclination. Finding a match with the same personal notion is an answer, IMO.

I decided not to read all of the input to this Thread, but to just answer the question as it was presented to us. I believe marriage is a wonderful thing. I was lucky enough to have one marriage that lasted a long, very long time, with a woman who loved me and after many years I realized I loved her. If I could find another woman who would want to be by best friend, lover and partner in life I would enter into marriage again. When two people are committed to one another through marriage it is a fantastic thing. Can you do it without marriage, sure! I just happen to be old fashion and like to know we are bound by love, committment and a contract. JMO....

Not all of us have that outlook.I am 67 years old and dont worry about a relationship.If it happens it happens.I of course have fun at church outings,seniors activities and long nature walks with my digital camera,.MY outlook is if one feels lonely get off your backside and get active one way or the other.I now use a cane and at times a wheel chair and I still love life,so one has to quit feeling sorry for themselves,

Jacob,

You raise interesting issues.

No, I don't believe that having a soul mate is the only solutins to being alone. We can still have very satisfying close friendships without finding our soul mate.

I have chosen to be on my own for the last 20 odd years, rather than get married again to men whom I did not consider to be in potential 'friend, lover, husband' category. I have very strict criteria. So, no, I certainly do not feel 'desperate'. It would be very satisfying to be able to find someone to marry again, but not just anyone. Those opportunities have been there, and not interested.

I think monogamy is what works best for most people and I think it is only in this type of loving relationship, that two people can begin to enhance each others' lives.

What is an act of love? It is many things and I do not purport to know what they all are. But such an act can only be a selfless one. That is, unconditional.

yes; but, I stood my ground until a secret ballot revealed I was right! Actually this is entirely possible, example --others want to share my life and I choose to remain alone. Not seeing that as selfish is merely an obscured view. Sticking to myself=self-ish ... just examples of course



which part are you referring to, its a long page ...the part where you rip barren a new arse? Really I agree with the ability factor in the sense that it has not been taught or learned from one's social environs, to a point where selfishness doesn't play a dominant role. However; ...

What comes to mind, is that the ability is not in question but the type of love one assumes to be love. I cannot without learning from you, know how you in particular 'feel' loved; but I do know what in particular makes me feel loved. For the most part this is how we interact, by loving others in our own preconcieved ways. We all have this ability. For you love may be flowers for no reason, for another it may be phone calls. For some, phone calls would be an annoyance, not love... No, this ability is in us all, it is the type and it's expression that cause us to question what love is.


this is your notion

Compatibility matters; but, I would bet you nekkid photos that this compatibility is solidly rooted in compatible and or mutually combative 'notions'.(preconcieved)
Any bets?



See you do think like me just have to get through a whole bunch of shmudgy stuff until your brain finally says it the same way I have been




SO, in order to evolve (your word) beyond one's present 'notions' of love, one must first recognise them and then alter them to reach greater hieghts.

I think youre very much though not identical to woody John. ( I dont mean his woody either )

This is what Laura and I have been disussing about an evolved sense of love. While she calls it an ability or lack of, I call it ingrained but changeable behavior toward love, that comes through experience. First, beginning in your own family from childhood, though one can learn in a relationship. However a sound footing in love often makes it easier to relate as a couple starting out.

People who have more successful relationships as you and woody have had and dru as well; don't seem to have the dysfunctional concepts of love, as do people that come from unsatisfactory love lives. The notions about how selfish or selfless love should be is drammatically different me thinks.

It really is all about you, in a relationship or not. One can constantly externalise their lives, keep looking out the window and blame everyone and everything out there; but, until you look inside, muster the internal intent to BE out there and question the notions that keep you seated, its likely your preconcieved notions are wrong and you would remain seated still blaming.

Not meant to antagonise people who like to sit and think

One important ingredient in the 'evolution' of love between two people is that of growing 'in' the relationship. In growth, there is understanding, not just in the linguistic sense, but a knowing of the 'other' as separate from yourself. In turn, the evolving of the sense of 'oneness' in a relationship. The process is in a constant state of flux, because things and people always continue to evolve, right? Makes life interesting. JMO.

You may be right, certainly in a sense of majority, even if it is preconditioned thinking. I'm not against it, just wonder if it suits us humans. In some cases it most certainly seems to.



Actually I asked "what is love an act of...?" Most people have sort of missed that one.

Yep, I agree. The more time you spend with someone, the more you get to learn, especially if you are tuned toward 'learning from' rather than 'gaining on' someone. A great deal of humility and unfettered ego is required I think..

Just curious...

You don't believe in marriage for yourself or in general?

If in general, what about Big_John's, Woody's, many other CSers' and ppl in RL long beautiful and happy marriages? Exceptions?

Thanks

I was married to the same man for 36 years. No it was not
always a bed of roses. We went through some very difficult
times, but gosh the not so difficult out weighed the rest.
We learned how to communicate and how to accept the fact
we would not always agree and that was fine. We held hands
gave a little kiss, that certain look in public. When he
passed away in 03 I knew my life was over. I took care of
him for health reasons our last 10 years and we were together
almost 24/7. But I know I can find love again, and if
not I will be content. Marriage is a lifelong committment
and should not be thought of as temporary.(JMO)