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--- ok there are always details but here goes --- He will always be the FOC and time can see many things yet unseen. perhaps an arpartment in the names of the childrens trust leased to him free of charge for the term of his life

I already tried that one - he shot it down.

paybacks always have reactions as you know

My question is....should I go ahead and buy him an apartment just to get him out of our lives or should I pay him back for all the misery he caused my kids, by not giving him a cent?


He will always be in your life, he's the father of your kids. It looks to me that you will have to foot the bill for all your kids' education and other needs. Not giving him a cent would,in my opinion, not be a payback but prudent. You will need every cent to bring up "his" children.

My 2 cents worth.

I get what you are saying Cusp. I'm a great believer in Karma so I would really like for this to be sorted out amicably but I'm at a loss, hence this thread.

What does your lawyer think?

I was the main provider in my marriage, I have had no support for the children and I am happy that I was able to manage without it, just.

Does he have contact with the children?

Paybacks never work, so I would not recommend that.

If you can afford to buy him an apartment, then at least you know that he has a place if he sees the children.

Get an offer together with your lawyer, put it on the table to him, it is not up for negotiation and if he refuses then that is his problem, make sure he cannot get anything else from you.

One firm, solid offer, out to him, then leave it to him.

That is what I did, I never budged and he took it eventually.

Best of luck.

Thanks for your 2 cents Heidi, I'll take it!!

Yes, he's the FOC and yes he will always have access to his kids but having said that let me add that I do not see him remaining in my life long after the divorce because he has not shown much signs of attachment to his kids during the past 3 years.

Yes, there's plenty of bills showing up on the horizon but I want my kids with me so I have no problem with providing for them.

FYI, I offered him an apartment 3 years back, he refused it, gave us 3 years of misery and now he wants the apartment deal back on the table - I don't think that's right, I really don't.

Are you in the position to do this for the next 20 years..think to the future, could this cost you financial hardship should your financial situation change?

If you are..do it, with clauses in it such as if he remarries, he has to vacate etc

Better to be rid of him with your head held high than get into a fight over pots and pans

I was like you, and walked away from everything and I mean everything, left with nothing but the clothes on my back and a babe in my arms......best thing I ever did

Hi Sommer - my lawyer thinks he deserves nothing because in the Indian context, a husband never asks for anything from his wife. But I guess it takes all types to make the world - trust me to get stuck with the crappiest of them.

Yes, I'm sitting with my lawyer on Saturday to work out an offer and I'll keep what you said in mind about being firm and not budging an inch. It will be a take it or leave it offer.

My gut feel is that he has someone in his life and is wanting a free apartment. Property is always a good investment so I don't mind investing. However, like you said, I'll ensure that there are riders like the ownership will be mine (because my kids are minors), the apartment is for his use alone - no companion, no common-law, he can live there free of cost all his life, he will vacate the apartment if he ever remarries, etc. etc. I'll make it nice and air tight. Thanks for your inputs.

i wouldnt give him a cent u will probablt need the money for the kids

Hi Karma

This mustbe quite draining for you, I feel for you. I went through an awful lot with my ex husband, we were in court for five years in total.

Everything I offered he turned down, he wanted cash in the end and I was not prepared to give it to him, unless I had some knowledge that he had a place for the children to be safe and a bed to sleep in.

I have to clarify that the father of my children is a good dad, he is just crap with money and lazy to boot, he could not care less who was in the world but his children and that I do promote, his children adore him and I would not do anything to change that for them.

What your lawyer thinks is a sign, he is governed by law and can only move within that law, whatever offer you make, is up to you, your lawyer is there to ensure that that offer is legal and binding and protect your interests.

I would put the offer of an apartment there, you do not have to furnish it, let him do that himself, just offer to buy an apartment, that is all, he is an adult and in charge of himself.

Arranged contact with the children, if he chooses not to uphold that, then he is hurting nobody but himself, the children will manage, they have you.

Keep is as clean and sterile as possible, class and dignity will always win, kill him with kindness, but let him know that this is your final offer and nothing else will come of it if he does not accept this one.

There are alot of men, who lose alot when their marriages break up, homes, children, earnings, remind him of that, he is damn lucky to be having this chance to have a home, the rest is up to him.

You need to move on too, Karma, how can you with all of this hanging over you?

You have my thoughts with you, I have been where you are and it is not easy.

The very best of luck and do let us know how you get on.

Sock it to him girl, beautifully.

I agree with you Princess. The money I'll be putting out could go toward my kids' college fund but he does not see it that way. I'm the cash cow that has stopped leaking cash - his luxury living has dried up. So I guess he thinks I owe him for his current style of living.

Sorry for butting in here, Karma and Princess.

The bleeding has to stop Karma, it has to.

WHat has he been doing for three years, is my next question? How has he been supporting himself? Or have you supported him?

If he has no intention of supporting his children financially, and that cannot be enforced, then you may well have a good case for not giving him anything.

The irony of it, in another thread, there is man who is not the father of children and judge has ordered him to pay.

The diametrically opposed view is immense here, it goes to prove that money whoever has it, will be the one thing, that will win in the end.

Thanks for yours thoughts and inputs Sommer.

Actually its draining on the girls too - I actually found out about his visit to my lawyer from the girls. He had even told them that he had asked for an apartment in exchange for the divorce - what is he, stupid? What kind of respect can he command from them?
From the start I have always stressed that the girls should be left out of this but time and time again he has dragged them into this.
The girls want him out of their lives because he is so insensitive to their feelings. I have always stressed that he is their father and needs to be respected as such but believe me, it has been hard going.

Yes, things have been tough for 3 years but I am the type that never says die. I will sock it to him and get my victory in a genteel, dignified manner.

That is not surprising for one party or other to behave that way.

Be guided by the law, however. Why give your hard earned money away just because he wants it but may not be entitled to it? If you want to invest and you do not owe him anything, then go ahead and invest. But make it generate income for you, not simply capital growth over time. You can put that money into the children's trust account for their education/other savings plan for you or the children.

If you think that buying him off will get rid of him, think again. If he that way inclined, he will try all kinds of ways to make your life hell. Next it might be through the children, their education, whatever. But there WILL be other ways, be assured of that.

All the best. Stand firm.

Oh the silly man, dragging them into it. I so dislike that when parents use their children to get back at another.

You have to, keep the girls out of it, I know he is the one doing this, but tell him so that you will not tolerate your children being used in this way.

You cannot force your girls to respect him, he can only gain their respect and in disresepcting their mother and treating her as a cash point machine, he is not doing that.

Arranged contact, a final offer of unfurnished apartment, and leave him to it.

Make it clear that if he turns this down, then he gets absolutely nothing. The contact with the children will be, if they are coming out with their opinions as you describe, at their dicretion.

Remove the burden from your shoulders, time for you to do that.

Put the burden on his, let him make his own decisions and not call the shots, if he has little money to back up his words, then he can hardly afford to sue you.

Give him the choice tomorrow, tell him in that offer he has a week to think about it, make it clear, then have some bloody fun.

I appreciate your inputs Venere. I get what you are saying and you are probably right - I really need an airtight deal that will make him disappear forever.

Now that he has come to the table I have to keep him there till this is sorted out once and for all.

Karma3, you have my sympathy. It's not a nice situation that you're in.

Presumably, under Indian law, there's no doubt that you will get custody of the children?

In that case I don't see any reason why he should get a single penny from you.

He won't need any money from you to help raise your children.

He's a grown man not a helpless baby.

Sometimes you have to be firm to be kind.

He needs to learn to stand on his own 2 feet and take self-responsibility for his life. He has the ability to earn enough money to get himself an apartment. Let him use that ability.

You deserve a divorce, where you get full custody of your children, and where you pay your husband nothing.