Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend Billy
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Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least he can spell.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is joy and peace in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
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Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, did'nt they?
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like to see my mommy and daddy to get back together again. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
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Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? I't time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Lego instead.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I.Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
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Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree and carrots for the reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
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Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Jim Beam.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
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Dear Thomas,
All toys are made in China...I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we are awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
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Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
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Dear Santa,
I want a puppy this year. Please, please, please. PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
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Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but it does'nt work with me. You're getting a sweater.
Santa
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Dearest Santa.
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you plan on getting into our home?
Love, Marky
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Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", That's why you keep getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogyman do'es, through the bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa