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I need cheering up today

Am useless at jokes, but sorry to hear your having a bad day

Me too....
Ummm....how does a man have an orgasm????
























Who cares!

Two bottles of whiskey walk into a bar and order a pint. The barman says to them, "Sorry, I don't serve scotch".

Two lesbian frogs in bed after sex.... One turns round to the other and says "It is true, we do taste like chicken"

What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A wonkey.

Good jokes Losty........

they very good

How did Bob Marley like his sandwiches?

With jam in.


What did Bob say to his friends before making sandwiches for them?

I hope you like jam in too.

Paddy and Seamus came across a girl whose bike had a flat wheel.. Seamus leaves paddy to help her and goes on his way..

a few minutes later Paddy passes seamus on the girls bike... " What the feck happened ? asks Seamus

Well i fixed her bike and bejaysus she takes her feckin knickers, off lies down and says " take what you want big boy" ...so i took her bike....

Good on ye says Seamus... Sure the feckin knickers wouldnt fit ye anyway

Ive a few good blonde jokes, heres one!

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

and another Blonde Joke

Blonde phones the firebrigade...

HELP HELP !! My house is on fire....

Fireman.. No Problem madame we can be there in a few minutes.. Just tell us how to get there...

Blonde Replies... DOH !!! In the big red truck

Husband to wife......We should start washing your knickers in slim fast, it might make your butt thinner! Next day, he puts on his briefs and they are covered in powder. He says to his wife, did you put talc powder in them? No, she says, It Miracle Grow!!! Gud or wha? lol

2 old ladies having tea in a Cork cafe. One says to the other, did you come on the bus? The other replies................"Yes I did, but I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack!!!!!!!! Just love that one!!

what do you call a cow with two left feet?














lean beef Ppptttrrr PooH stink

3 parrots for sale,
100, 200 and 15 euro,
a woman asks "why is that parrot so cheap?"
the shopkeeper replies " because it used to live in a brothel"
the woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.
when she gets home the parrot says "fuck me a new brothel"
the woman laughs .
the two daughters come home , parrot says "fuck me new prossies"
the girls laugh
husband comes home , parrot says "fuck me Christy i haven't seen you in weeks!"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidently picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed, "but what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back!!"

Everybody who has a dog calls him ",Rover", or ",Boy.", I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, ",I'd like to have one, too.", Then I said, ",But this is a dog!", He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, ",But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old.", He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, ",You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!", The clerk said, ",Me too.",

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. ",But you don't understand,", I said, ",I had hoped to have Sex on TV.", He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, ",Your honor, I had Sex before I was married.", The judge said, ",Me too.", Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, ",Me too.",

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, ",What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?", I said, ",I'm looking for Sex.",

My case comes up next week.

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I’m actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it’s done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds

A computer company received a phone call from a woman complaining about her computer.
"My computer isn’t working" complained the woman.
"You’ll have to speak up said the computer worker."
"Sorry i’m on my mobile, signal’s a bit down."
"OK, What’s wrong with your computer?"
"The screen has just gone black, i can’t do anything."
The computer worker made a list of suggestions:
Alt Ctrl + Delete?
Restart Button
Unplugging it, leaving it a while and then back in.
None of them seemed to work.
"Got it" said the computer worker, "your screen must be unplugged at the back"
"I’ll have a look" replied the woman.
She came back a while later
"I can’t tell"
"Why not?" asked the worker
"there’s a powercut and it’s too dark"

What do you get if you cross a pig and a spoon? A hamster!!!