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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

I posted this on Intl. some time ago and loads of you will have seen it, but I still fall around the place reading it, How about some Paddy jokes!

must have missed it, didn't this time though

I'm still laughing excellent

brilliant

Brilliant

always enjoy a good laugh.......................... have seen it before but it does the trick everytime...........

A

This letter
was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford:

Dear
Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning
you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras:


1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and
randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5.
August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6.
September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers
he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.


7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.
October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked
his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing
kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store
suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.

11. December
6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size
funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. December 21: When an
announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and
screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:


14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'



Yours sincerely,
enjoy

NOBLONDEHERE... thats great.. ican just imagine him....

that was my da.......

Hi Sharina....

Bought my new party shoes today.....bring it on

oh i love it hun.. me and shoes.. who needs a man...

A farmer has 3 sons.
One day his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me."
He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor, and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm, and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy, but he did understand the situation, and said, "Okay, Dad."
A week later his second son (10 yrs. old) approaches him wanting a new two wheel bicycle.
Well he gets the same excuse.... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..... "
A few days later son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle.
Again Ol' dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster smooth off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time.
His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you, to deserve that!"
The little boy looks dad square in the eye, and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for!"

The Catholic and the Blonde....
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped
into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only
to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was, apparently, not
going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent."

In tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most
ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you
lend it to, and for how long?"

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

SMILE SPECIAL :-)

A single mum goes to Social Security to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the SocSec officer "10". "10???" says the SocSec officer.
"What are their names?" "Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig
and Craig". "Doesn't that get very confusing?" "Not really..." says the chick "its great
because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout once only "CRAIG, YER
DINNER'S READY" or "CRAIG, GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it...". "What if you want
to speak to one individually?", says the perturbed SocSec officer. "That's easy," says the
single mum ........ "I just use their surnames". :-)