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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't
mind,can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?'

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm
a dry-waller.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,
but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and
proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches,
reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey
Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ...

'What the f*ck would they want with a drywaller??!'

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

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Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

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Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

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Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

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Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

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Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

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Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

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Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

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Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

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Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

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Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

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Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

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Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

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Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

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Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

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Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

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Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

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Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
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OH, don't groan. You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody

Live well, laugh hard, & love deeply!!!

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.





What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer can accept a three and a half inch floppy!!




I love sexist jokes!!

Ok thanks that made me laugh....

Delighted they did Annie

Maid asks for a raise

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and asked:
'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.' Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.' Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?' Maria: 'Your husband did.' Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?' Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE

Good one AnnieB

Glad you liked it here is another....

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF ! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for
your toast for the rest of your life.......

As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussywillows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !'

nice one

Thanks....Minx started it and seeing as it's Saturday night and back from a party early....how friggin sad is that????? Might as well have a few giggles

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua.



As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, 'Let's go over to that bar for a drink.'



The lady with the Chihuahua said, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.'



The one with the Doberman said, 'Just watch, and do as I do.'



They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.



The bouncer at the door said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'



The woman with the Doberman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'



The bouncer said, 'A Doberman?'



The woman said, 'Yes, they're using them now. They're very good.'



The bouncer said, 'OK, come on in.'



The lady with the Chihuahua thought convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, 'What the heck,' so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.



Once again the bouncer said, 'Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.'



The woman said, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.'



The bouncer said, 'A Chihuahua?'



The woman with the Chihuahua said, 'A Chihuahua? 'A CHIHUAHUA ? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua???!!!'

ok getting tired of seeing my own jokes....here's one more....

After retiring, a man went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So he opened his shirt revealing his curly silver haired chest. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed his Social Security application.

When he got home, he excitedly told his wife about his experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'.

Thanks a million Annie, I enjoyed the laughs...............

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man
reading a book, and noticed he had his collar

on backwards. The little boy asked why he

wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a Priest, said:

'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied:

'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered:

'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said:

'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two

grandchildren and he doesn't wear

his collar that way!'

The Priest, getting impatient, said:

'I am the Father of hundreds'

and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for

a while, then leaned over and said:

'Maybe you should wear a condom and

your pants backwards instead of your

collar'.


Don't you just love kids!!

That was a great one.......

AT them all- it's rare that you see a bunch of new (to me)jokes!!

thats hard wink

REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it..'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
'Father, it has been one month since my last
confession and I've sinned
with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

The priest tells the sinner,
'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail
Mary's'.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last
confession. I have sinned
with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two
months.'

This time the priest asks,
'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail
Mary's'.

'The next morning in church, the priest is preparing
to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays
up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny
emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down
with her legs slightly
spread apart,
Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly
asks,

'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, ..............................
'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her
shoes'