If Easily Offended..Look Away.............Now..

UK Forums » Jokes & Humor » If Easily Offended..Look Away.............Now..
THREAD AUTHOR
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
why do girls call it an orgasm?

because its too hard to spell ohmyfreakkinglordyesputitindeeperdeeperpleaseuhavetoohmygodcumplease

laugh tongue



uglysister kilwinning, Strathclyde, Scotland UK
lovaboy: why do girls call it an orgasm?

because its too hard to spell ohmyfreakkinglordyesputitindeeperdeeperpleaseuhavetoohmygodcumplease



when a woman is having an orgasm where is her A******e?

in the pub drinking with his mates!!rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
anglophile state, not DC, Washington USA
uglysister: when a woman is having an orgasm where is her A******e?

in the pub drinking with his mates!!


rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
uglysister: when a woman is having an orgasm where is her A******e?

in the pub drinking with his mates!!


rolling on the floor laughing applause


A husband and wife are in the shower together. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. The husband asks, "Babe can you get that please?" the wife replies "Sure". The wife puts on a robe and goes downstairs to open the door. At the door its Bill the husbands bestfriend. "Hi is your husband in?" asks Bill. "He is unavailable at the moment" replies the wife. "Ah ok" says Bill. As Bill is about to leave he turns back to the wife and says "I have £400 in my pocket, if you flash me your ti*s you can have it" the wife feels offended but then realizes she needs that money, so she goes ahead and flashes and takes the £400. As Bill is about to leave he turns round and says "I have another £400 in my pocket, if you let me feel your ti*s" the wife again feels offended but remembers that she could do with all the extra money and lets him feel her ti*s. Bill gives her the money and leaves. The wife walks up the stairs feeling very guilty but tries to forget it all.

When she gets back into the shower her husband asks "Who was that?" The wife replies "Oh it was just Bill." The husband replies "That bastard owes me £800!"
laugh
anglophile state, not DC, Washington USA
lovaboy: A husband and wife are in the shower together. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. The husband asks, "Babe can you get that please?" the wife replies "Sure". The wife puts on a robe and goes downstairs to open the door. At the door its Bill the husbands bestfriend. "Hi is your husband in?" asks Bill. "He is unavailable at the moment" replies the wife. "Ah ok" says Bill. As Bill is about to leave he turns back to the wife and says "I have £400 in my pocket, if you flash me your ti*s you can have it" the wife feels offended but then realizes she needs that money, so she goes ahead and flashes and takes the £400. As Bill is about to leave he turns round and says "I have another £400 in my pocket, if you let me feel your ti*s" the wife again feels offended but remembers that she could do with all the extra money and lets him feel her ti*s. Bill gives her the money and leaves. The wife walks up the stairs feeling very guilty but tries to forget it all.

When she gets back into the shower her husband asks "Who was that?" The wife replies "Oh it was just Bill." The husband replies "That bastard owes me £800!"


rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing



phoenix paris, Ile-de-France France


I am deeply offended and shocked....bouquet
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
laugh

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."



laugh Im done now.....honest.....laugh



uglysister kilwinning, Strathclyde, Scotland UK
phoenix: I am deeply offended and shocked....
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing


comfort
uptall durham, Durham, England UK
phoenix: I am deeply offended and shocked....



who said that................uh oh ..................hole
anglophile state, not DC, Washington USA
lovaboy: A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Im done now.....honest.....



rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing

That is the best one so far.
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
anglophile: That is the best one so far.



And the last......laugh cheers
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him, and just give him a fiver.'"

The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."



laugh
anglophile state, not DC, Washington USA
lovaboy: It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him, and just give him a fiver.'"

The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."



rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing

He can't get mad. After all, it was HIS idea.
Butterflyboo1974 Mid North COast, New South Wales Australia
lovaboy: It was the postman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, bacon, sausage, and freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a fiver sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, 'Screw him, and just give him a fiver.'"

The lady smiled and said, "The breakfast was my idea."



Hmmm....

roll eyes
anglophile state, not DC, Washington USA
Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
rolling on the floor laughing hehe.....sweet....cheers



uglysister kilwinning, Strathclyde, Scotland UK
anglophile: Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
Guts or Balls...The Difference...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.



laugh
anglophile state, not DC, Washington USA
lovaboy: Guts or Balls...The Difference...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.


head banger
lovaboy Big Bad Manchester, Greater Manchester, England UK
I do apologize for all my nonsense...just tryin to liven things up a tad....laugh doh banana




Report this thread if it breaks rules, is offensive, or contains fighting. Staff may not be aware of the forum abuse, and cannot do anything about it unless you tell us about it. If this thread is offensive, please click here to report it »



If site dates and times do not show correctly, you can fix this by editing your timezone
Click here to edit your timezone »