Connecting Singles^® Canada Forums

LOL, cute... ok my turn

2 Newfies go into the unemployment office looking for work.
When the clerk asks them what it is they do, the first one
says he's a wood cutter that's work for years in many different
logging camps. The other says he's an accomplished pilot.
The clerk told the logger, he had nothing for him at the time,
but had a long term employment oppertunity for the pilot.
The pilot said he couldn't work without his friend being there,
when the clerk asked why, the pilot looked at the clerk and
asked, "If he doesn't cut it, how the hell am I suppose to pilot
(pile it)

To both of you... Tickled my gizzard!!

NEVER CHOKE IN A "SOUTHERN" RESTAURANT:

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.


As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure. "I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem? "



"It's swollen," Fred replied

too funny

Just for you Kim...


There was a newfie, an irishman (naturally) and a frenchman that volunteered to go up in a space ship for 10 years. NASA asked each one what they would like a 10 year supply of.

The Irishman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best whiskey! (figures, huh)"

The Frenchman replied "I would love to have a 10 year supply of all the best food in the world!"

Then the Newfie replied "Smokes! I gotta have my smokes!"

So NASA packed them up and sent them off and then 10 years later they retured.

They asked each of them how they liked their things. The Irishman replied "Oh, I was drunk every second night!" and the Frenchman replied "Oh, I ate like a little pig!" and then the Newfie replied "Uh, gotta light?"

Two fellows from Edmonton were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like hes driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "kidatheart, what are you doing?"
kidatheart replies, "Driving to Newfoundland!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters kidathearts room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,
"Well, kidatheart, how are you doing?"
kidatheart says, "I just got into Newfoundland." "Great," replies the nurse.
The nurse leaves kidathearts room and goes across the hall into Gordys room, and finds Gordy sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Gordy, what are you doing?"
Gordy says, "Im screwing kidathearts wife while hes in Newfoundland"

NEW PASSWORD
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.

Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
P...

E...

N...

I...

S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied

***PASSWORD INVALID.......NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Man walks into tattoo shop and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on is dick!

Tattoo artist says "you will need to give me ONE good reason before I do this"

Man: I can give you THREE good reasons......

1) I like to play with my money

2) I like to watch my money grow

and last but not least...

3) My old lady can blow $100 bucks without leaving the house!!!!!!!!!

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of
the dealership and past the Tim Horton's.

Taking off down the Trans Canada , he floored it to 120 kph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nut
case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for
this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Mountie, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.

Good one!!!

thanks needed a laugh

Since this is called: More dumb jokes, here is the all time
dumbest joke so far, let's see someone top this one:

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

The kids in the art class will love that joke ... and will drive their teacher crazy with it.


They also love this Newfie Joke.... ( using a Newfie accent ... )


Where are all the trees in Newfoundland ????










Between the 2's and 4's.

LOL, good one Kim, ok, my turn (again)

There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)

A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you fuck me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"

The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"

She says "Nope that wont work"

The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL

make sure you guys never quit this contest

Oh, I got one!


Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?



Because he got stuck in a crack!