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Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

Telemarketers suck big time. Here are some proven ways to rid your life of these assclowns for good...


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

You're a hoot kid

Hoot,hooter or hoot owl?

Crazy glue a quarter to a pay telephone and watch people try to pick it up

Crazy glue a loonie or a toonie to the floor at a mall and watch people try to pick it up

Yeah I'm a smartass

Hey Jen, when it comes to the toilet thing, try this, it's a hoot (so I've heard ) smear some peanut butter on your hand, then stretch it out under the stall wall, and ask the person in the next stall to pass you some toiletpaper, your stall is out

Go to YouTube and look up farting in a women's toilet. It's hilarious!!!

You might be old enough to remember Cagney and Lacy (the TV) show.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9o7TWxGxs0

I remember Cagney and Lacy......I'm not old......just refined

10 things to do in traffic jam

1. You can learn the number of the car in front of you by heart.
2. You can become the champion of your mobile playing Snake-2, Balloon Shooter or any other game.
3. You can explore the construction of a ballpoint pen. You can even take it into pieces and then assemble back.
4. Now set a new time record of disassembling and assembling your ballpoint pen.
5. You can to embroider. Even in silk if you use a steering wheel as a tambour.
6. You can collect all those hair from front and back seats and check if there is no lipstick under rugs.
7. You can do 'Zh-h-h-h-h-h!' and steer a wheel. This will entertain yourself and your neighbours from the nearest cars.
8. Thaffic jam is that very place where you can examine the contents of your own nose! Slow and detailed cleaning and examination of your nose will bring sense to your life and make your fingers dexterous and strong.
9. You can sell your car and buy a new one closer to the traffic lights.
10. Anyway do not drink. Even if it seems there is still long time to stay.



Things you DON'T Want to Hear in Surgery
Based on an email by Steve

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Darn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..

That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

Funny Things to do on an Airplane


1. At the airport, wear a uniform and claim you are the pilot, get annoyed if they don't believe you but DONT give up, see how far you can get ( WARNING, may result in you being arrested)

2. Whilst boarding the plane, say in a loud voice "THAT WING SURE DOES LOOK RUSTY!!"

3. When everyone is seated, do your own demonstration of what to do in an emergency, let this include 'comical' situations such as "in the (likely) event of the plane setting alight and becoming a plummeting fireball of death, please remember to tighten your seatbelt" look surprised when you are the only one laughing.

4. when the plane is still on the ground, Rock back and forth in your seat and say aloud "THIS TURBULANCE SURE IS ROUGH!!"

5. Wear rags and a headscarf, claim that your name is Svetolafoson Frojhkyhkjuhjdj and that you are being deported back to Estonia, look pleased when your told that this plane is not going there. say "Really?!, u haf not met me if zey ask zen, ok?!"

6. As the plane is landing, adopt the 'Duck and Cover' position as you scream "WE ARE GOING TO CRASH! ONLY DEATH AWAITS US ALL NOW! DEATH I TELLS YA!!!!" when you land safely, stand up and leave the plane normally, thank the stewardess for a lovely flight.




Things to do at a Fast Food Restaurant


Ask for a hamburger, Cry dramatically saying "Did they really have to kill the cow" in a sobbing voice.

Out side of the building, protest that they don't add enough salt on the drinks.

Unleash cockroaches secretly.

Sing a song out loud.

Try to rob the store in a poor manner(where a mask that does not allow you to see, ask people that are not at the counter for money, or at least a trashcan).

Pay for your meal entirely in pennies.

Take your car through the drive-thru in reverse.

Inquire what's in the Secret sauce.

Refuse to give them money until they win at Paper/Rock/Scissors.

Prevent all people from eating until you say a prayer (try and find the longest one).

Threaten to move to Antarctica to strangers who don't treat you nicely.

Ask for a burger that looks more like the pictures.

How to Relieve Boredom!


When at work, jump on to your desk, shout "ARRIBA!" and proceed to belly dance to a tape of 'Livin La Vida Loca'

Walk up to random people in the street and shyly ask in a baby like voice "will *you* be my fwend?"

Have hundreds of leaflets printed reading 'Yung go Ping's Chinese takeaway' now in association with the R.S.P.C.A.' Go ahead and leaflet your area

Go to the Bingo, when you win, jump up and shout " HA!, I conquer you elderlies!"

Go to the supermarket, pick up a courgette, hold it to your ear then say, "what?!, you don't want me to eat you?, well...ok then" put it down and move on.

Later, re-enact the Chariot scene in Ben Hur with your trolley.

While on the bus, eat a whole lettuce as if it were an apple.

Make a list of ways to relieve boredom.

When crossing the road, run across in exaggerated slow motion whilst humming 'Chariots of fire'. When you reach the other side, slow mo celebrate. Get emotional.



When talking to someone, look over their shoulder and suddenly freeze, look terrified as you say "Don't. Move." start to back away. say " I'll get help" and run off.

Put your head in a candy floss machine...see what happens.

Go to the Train station and stay on the platform, as a train is leaving, grab a passengers hand through an open window and run along the side of the train, all the while telling them how much you're going to miss them and will never forget them. Done in the style of 'Brief Encounter'.

Cello tape your mouth shut, communicate with Morse code via blinking.

Wear a sheet as a toga, proclaim yourself to be 'Farticus' and pass wind every time you speak your name.


Superglue a chess set to your ceiling, Like my friend Riad did!

Befriend trees.

Go around saying, "I'm sane, I swear."

Have a hotdog eating contest with yourself.

Memorize the lyrics to theme songs. E.g. pokemon, cardcaptors.

Stare at a spot in the ceiling and see how many other people you can get to do it.

Pull the skin on your elbow and scream, "My Weinus Is So Big!"

Watch a black and white movie, mute it, and make up your own dialogue for it.

Take the powder from Fun Dip, throw it at people and say, "Evil begone!"

After every sentence say, "Over" and make that static noise that walkie-talkies make.

Start every sentence with, "Momma always said"

Put tape over your nose and talk like Michael Jackson.

Pick up the coins in the fountain in the mall and scream, "I'm rich!"

Scotch tape your mouth shut, communicate with Morse code via blinking.

Tell people they have dead spiders following them.


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