Connecting Singles^® Canada Forums100% Free Online Dating

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he
asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.

Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him,
'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what
you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you
are. You are white with black stripes.'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes,
God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

3 blonds made there way to heaven, but St Peter told them he had only room enough for 1, so he said he'd give them all just one wish, and the wisest wish would get in. The first blond wished she was the smartest one there, so St. Peter made her smarter, the second one wished she would be even smarter than the first, with a clap of thunder, and a streak of lightning, she had become a genius, the third blond said she wanted to be the smartest person there, with the best build around, so St. Peter made her into a man and opened the pearly gates and let him in..moral of the story is.. you have to be brilliant to get into heaven, and it really helps if you're a man with a great build, like me...

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads
around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I
DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

A farmer named Seamus had a car
accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'


The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie'.


Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she
was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the F*ck would you say?

There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and then ... I rear-ended a car.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

............. and that's when the fight started . . .

For some odd reason Brew.... that joke made me think of you.

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you,
that you're from Ireland .'


The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you
be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a sma ll world. So did I! So did I!

And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

IRISH PROSTITUTE



An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'




The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'



'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'




'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'

This is interesting, worth the read. read the whole thing!!

All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap;

it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....

You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!

(At least, I was...)


Compared with Gasoline...... Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 .. $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ........ $10.00 pe r gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........ $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Ny quil 6 oz $8.35 . $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 ..$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!

$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the source.

(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

Ever wonder why computer printers are so cheap?

So they have you hooked for the ink.

Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................

you won't believe it...................

but it is true.........................

$5,200 a gal.. (five thousand two hundred dollars)


So, the next time you're at the pump,
be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil
or God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER TOO MANY DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,

'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO
OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE, I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

A WITCH, ...WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT? ''WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER.'

Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are traveling by train to a football match in London. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the three Irish buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?", asks one of the English.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish.

They all board the train. The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The English are mightily impressed by this, so after the game, they decide to copy the Irish (like always !) on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all !

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed English.

"Watch and learn..." says one Irishman.

When they board the train the three Irish cram into a toilet and soon after the three English pile into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks across to the toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please..."

SUZY !!!!!!!!!!! so that's where she got to

JUPP, did you ever find your teeth? LOL

Nope, she won't return them..but that's ok, cause now, the ladies love it when I give them gummers for bummers

OHHHH BABY!!!!!