Connecting Singles^® Canada Forums100% Free Online Dating

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who
installed them. He was complaining that the windows
had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for
them yet. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told
him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had
told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR
these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo'?
(I told him). 'It's been a year'! There was only
silence at the other end of the line, so I finally
just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too
embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made
me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.
Life is not the way it's supposed to be.
It's the way it is.

Me thinks this is Brew's kind of woman......

Simple Math

HUSBAND'S LETTER
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining
room table:

'To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you, and I value you
as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not
wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my
18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.'

---

When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the
dining room table:

'To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54 years old. As you k now, I am a math teacher at our local college. I
would like to inform you that while you're at the Comfort Inn, I will be at
the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, he is 18 years
old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Irish Gas Station

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new Mercedes into an Irish gas station

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...'Top o' the mornin to ya'

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

'So what are those things, laddie?' asks the attendant.

'They're called tees,' replies Tiger.


'And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?' inquires the Irishman.

'Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive,' replies Tiger.

'Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!' exclaims the Irish attendant. 'Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything.'

You are too funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hello 12fox..... we'd love it if you joined in and did some posting.

Nice to meet you.

12fox, Have to pay you a compliment. Looked at your profile and the photos. you are a very beautiful lady!!!! Your eyes say a lot. If some males can not see that, they are stupid and need one good kick in the betootie......

Hi Loner...... hope all is well with you.

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER...

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'



About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
___________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.



Love, Brian
___________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
___________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.


Love, Mom

The Pretzel Hold

A Russian and aNewfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said, 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on
this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get yo u in that hold! If he does, you're finished'; the Newfie nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the
Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he fina lly got his wrestler alone, He asked, 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

So the trainer exclaimed, 'That's what finished him off!'
'Not really... But you'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
nuts.

ooouuuch

hey LONER!!!!!!!!!!! How is you?

Me? healthy, busy.

Good

Good evening, just wanted to let you know how many giggles I get from the banter between yourself and "mr. Brew" (kinda sounds like a host for childen's program doesn't it) Anyway, reminds me of those times in my parent's marriage when they were really happy (those fleeting moments in childhood where we got that warm fuzzy feeling that all was well) No they never divorced!; It also leans towards reminding me of the humourous yet sarcastic relationship of Ken Kostick and Mary Jo Eustace (CBC's Whats for dinner)Regardless, it really is entertaining and seems that the two of you got a good thing going, whatever that thing may be.

Mary Jo Eustace and Ken Kostick... are a riot. Have not seen one of their programs in quite some time.

On mine and Brew's behalf... (because he'd either forget... or do it wrong).... Thank you!!


Do you think Brew will respond?....

He will if he realizes that Ken is gay (outed by Mary Jo on live tv no less). And if he thinks I am impling such, which I am not. They are funnnny and i read have a new show coming out called, get this: he said/she said. Maybe you two can do a guest appearance? The thing is, they don't try to be funny, it just comes naturally. Pretty good cooks too.

Domestic Tranquility

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Monte go Bay, Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People
would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'. The local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy
marriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America” Explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse.

'We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after.'

A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and out of shape. Pay me a compliment."

The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

A couple is dining in a swanky restaurant.

The husband is staring at a woman slugging back the booze by herself at a nearby table.

"You know her?" asks his wife.

"She's an ex-girlfriend from my school days," the husband says. "She took to drinking after we split up 20 years ago. She has not been sober since."

"My goodness!" says the wife. "How does a person keep celebrating that long?"