Thank You

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laffingone 150 Mile House, British Columbia Canada
Tue Dec 16, 2008 12:02 AM CST : Thank You
I just want to thank all my friends and loved ones for the
educational emails over the past year... Because of your warning I live
in a zip-lock plastic bag with clean oxygen piped in after passing
through 18 filters which are replaced each hour.


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public
bathroom door without using a paper towel.


I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
through the channels.


I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
washed.


I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on
my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all
kinds of nasty germs including feces.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone
who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking your nose.


Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt
trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have
consumed over the years.


I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she
has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.


I must send my special thanks to whoever
sent me the one about p**p in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every
can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for
the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL
are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ...


I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena will
grant my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens
are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



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laffingone 150 Mile House, British Columbia Canada
Tue Dec 16, 2008 12:04 AM CST : Thank You
Thanks to you, I have learned that my
prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil
a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or
FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..


I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet
but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my ass.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't
ever pick up $5 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large ostrich with diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12
camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know
this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.


Have a wonderful day, anyway!
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Loner1960 St. Alphonse, Manitoba Canada
Tue Dec 16, 2008 10:54 PM CST : Thank You
laugh
Oh well Since I ignored all these warnings, I guess, I doomed to die eventually.
Since I going to die anyway, in the meantime, I will enjoy another beer.
beer
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