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A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to one another on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked:
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "Yes, That is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a ham sandwich."

A while later, The Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, Is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, That is still very much a part of our faith". The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, Have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied,
"Yes Rabbi, One one occasion, I was weak, broke my faith and had sex with a woman".

The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, The Rabbi said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?"





canadane

(courtesy of curlywolf)

:::
BREAKING NEWS:::

In
2009 the government will
start
deporting all
the mentally ill people.

I
started crying when I thought of
you. . .

















Run my crazy little friend, Run..

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they are looking at a
portrait that has them a little taken aback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.
The couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the artist walks by and says, "Can I help you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."
The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the other two have a black penis."
The artist says, "Oh you are misinterpreting the painting. They're not African men, they are Cape Breton coal miners and the one in the middle went home for lunch."

Today is International Disturbed People's Day
Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done. (HA!)

I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus
or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special.
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that made you smile. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.

have a great day

ocasionaly i get a belly laugh on here that was one

Some years ago, Stan married an attractive woman, Aggie, half his age, in a small coastal Newfoundland community.
After several months, Aggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Newfoundland women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Burin. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from St. Lawrence to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Aggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for Aggie to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Stan waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Aggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Stan looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: '..............................



And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'

A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Newfie nodded...'I'll tell you though, Lord thunderin' Jesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f#*kin' skippin'

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

Brew was excited about his new rifle and decided to try some bear hunting.

He traveled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake! That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices:

Either I maul you to death or we have sex.

After considering his situation Brew decided to accept the latter alternative.

So the black bear had his way with Brew. And even though he felt very sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the same black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Brew. You killed a cousin of mine and now you've got two choices:

Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. Again, Brew thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Brew fully recovered

This time Brew was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the very same grizzly bear and shot it dead.

He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was yet another tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, Admit it, Brew. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

A nice old story with a different twist- will make you appreciate family.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that
always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store
in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds
or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the
crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were
sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for
the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own
family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a
woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.

'Makes your dick look bigger.'
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

The Catholic priest was walking around town one warm summer day and came upon a little boy playing in his front yard with a half dozen kittens.
"Hello my son' says the priest.
"Hello father" says the boy.
"Nice day isn't it" asks the priest.
"Yes father" says the boy.
"My, those are awful nice kittens you have there" says the priest.
"Why, Thank you father" says the boy "these are Catholic kittens".
Bursting with pride, the priest carries on with his walk.
A couple weeks later the Pope was in town so the priest decided to show the old guy around. As they came down the street they came upon the young boy playing in his front yard with the half dozen kittens.
"Hello, my son, says the priest.
"Hello father" was the boys reply.
"Nice day isn't it" asks the priest.
"Yes father" replied the boy.
"My, those are awful nice kittens you have there" says the priest.
"Thank you father" says the boy "these are Protestant kittens".
Bewildered, the priest says "Why, 2 weeks ago you told me they were Catholic kittens".
Says the boy "Yes father, but their eyes are open now".

Top 24 Funniest Signs
Seen in the USA
24. In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
23. In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
22. In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
21. On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."
20. On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
19. At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
18. On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"
17. Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
16. In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
15. In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
14. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
13. On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
12. In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
11. In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
10. On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
9. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
8. In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."
7. On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -- Sisters of Mercy"
6. In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
5. A parking sign in front of a Boston meditation center: "Visualize Being Towed."
4. On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs."
3. In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."
2. In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
1. On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."

2 Things, 1) If you're gonna have sex, isn't it always better to be bare (bear) ?? and 2) Who the hell is Frank ?? (busted)

To be Frank.... I have not idea of what you are talking about!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working
girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His
depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he
hears his friend shouting cries of.. 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH...Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE, UGH!'

This went on all night long.

In the morning, the secood dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters,
'It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head.''You
think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the
bed."

Yeh, I caught that too.

from the original post;
>So the black bear had his way with Brew. And even though he felt very sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.<
(and)
>Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. Again, Brew thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.<

Is Brew another name for Frank?

One hot summer day Prince Charles was the special guest in a parade in Westlock, Alberta. He rode in an open convertible wearing a full fox hat. After the parade a reporter had a chance to get close and asked "Excuse me. I was wondering why, on such a hot day, you are wearing that fox hat".
Charlie looked at the reporter and said "Back 'ome I was getting ready for this parade and asked me mummy what I should wear to a parade in Westlock and she said "where the foks 'at".

Nope, I have no idea who "Frank" is..then again, you have to take pity on Kim (old age, and all )

It's called lack of sleep ... assuming you read the thread Eyes started ... sincere request .... Of course leaving the name Frank in there did give you some amusement ...

Ethel and Mable, a couple middle aged women were out camping in the woods one weekend. One night a sasquatch entered there camp, tore open the tent, grabbed Ethel, and took off to his nest in the mountains. Mable raised the alarm and park rangers, police, and friends searched high and low but could not find the sasquatch's hideaway. Meanwhile, old bigfoot was constantly having his way with Ethel. Day after day he kept close to her and he would throw her down and have sex with her constantly, never seeming to get tired. After a couple of weeks of this the sasquatch figured he better go hunt for food for them so off he went. During this time Ethel saw her chance and escaped down the mountain where the search party found her and escorted her to the hospital for the usual checkup. After a couple days the doctor called Mable and told her Ethel was fine and she could take her home. Mable went to tell Ethel the good news.
Upon entering Ethel's hospital room Ethel didn't seem too happy. Says Mable "The doctors say you are fine. No scars or broken bones. But you don't look too happy. What's wrong Ethel? "
Says Ethel "I'm depressed".
"why?" asked Mable.
Says Ethel "(sighing)Oh, He never calls, he never writes".