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by doing this i seek understanding and respect, not sympathy or pity or advice saying i should seek out a pyschologist. Loneliness is a painful negative. it can lead to death in the end. loneliness certainly leads to depression which then leads onto other negative mental health issues. i, like countless others around the world, am experiencing a at times severe bout of loneliness. i am 42 and i cannot understand why i am being left on the shelf. i'm a decent bloke with decent intelligence and in decent physical shape. in my 20's i never gave loneliness a thought, never fully understood it. in my early 30's i felt it coming on a bit but still did'nt understand it. in my mid to late 30's i began to understand and my mind changed. now that i'm in my early 40's i understand fully what loneliness is all about and i see no end to it. it's awful to feel this way. yes, i've had my fair share of lovers in Aus but really just 2/3 are worth remembering. back in the late 80's i met a young Melb Uni student at a Hare Krisna eatery in Melb. we were togeth for a year then she changed. she had wanted her independence and she became interested in feminist politics and she travelled to India, came back then later on she went to Thailand and she died there, aged 22. since then i've had other partners but only for brief periods. i've never wanted these relationships to end but they did and it's never explained to me why. the other person never tells me why they are leaving me and this confuses me. i've never physically mistreated a woman and i hope i never do. last year, in July, i travelled to the Philippines to meet a woman whom i'd met on the internet some 8 weeks earlier. i stayed with her and her family in their house for 3 weeks and it was the best, the most beautiful, the most humourous 21 days of my life. i did'nt go there just to have sex with her. i went there because i wanted an experience. yes we slept together on occasions and we made beautiful love together and my pain was forgotten temporarily. leaving her was difficult but something i had to do. for the next few months after returning i slipped into quite a severe depression. i cried an awful lot, i felt utterly miserable. in the Philippines mentally i felt very high, the best feeling. back here it's been near impossible for me to maintain that good momentum. six months after returning from Manila i went back there, in early March 09. i stayed until the end of the month and since i returned nearly a month ago i've felt ok but still very lonely. i cannot afford to get her into the country and with the recession strengthening its grip in Aus my wages have dropped dramatically. in all the time i've been frequenting the internet, maybe less than 10 years, i've really only physically met just a small handful of people and are we still in contact with each other? no. i have a female friend in Dallas Texas, she's a radical leftie and loves The Cure as much as i do but it's doubtful we'll ever meet due to our respective financial situations. i've tried forming friendships with women via the internet but whenever i get my hopes up they suddenly cease all contact with me. no reason, no explanation is rarely given and i wonder why? why give up on me? but this is the internet and all sorts of crazy things happen in cyberspace. if i had the balls to approach a woman sitting alone drinking coffee in a cafe i'd do it. but i don't because of the terrible fear of rejection. loneliness is a big problem in my life, i wish i could just let it all go and not worry about it but i can't. i signed onto this site just recently and my goal is to hopefully physically meet a woman at some stage in the future. all of us hetero blokes hope for this i think. anyway, thanks for reading this crap.