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Its been two years and My Ex still haunts my Subconscious.

I reach out for help here knowing this is the one place i won't recieve it. Sad but true.

Yes I am a pitiful excuse for a Male. I wallow in self pity and fail to let go.

Life is what we make it.(There's a song about that) I stopped living life when I was eleven. (Approx) I shut myself away and lived through others.

I can handle the days. I go to work and live through my Workmates. Whilst not entirely satisfying it suffices. Listening to their woes and adventures helps ease my own burdens.

Being on my own whilst it has draw backs is great as well. I have no one to prove myself to. i can come and go as i please. I can cook or starve as it suits me. I don't have to worry about kids or run around after kids. I don't have to fret over my cleanliness and presentability. I don't need to worry about how my breath smells. As sex and intimacy ain't going to happen when single.

Yes it's great being single. The stress levels are way way down. But god is it so bloody lonely. There is nothing that competes with being and living and sharing with a special someone. Even with all the added responsibilities that brings.

Yes I had my son last week for a whole week. What did we do. Nothing worth writing about. But my yard is now up to scratch again. But what was the point. I loved having him. Even though the days were fairly boring they were enjoyable because we interacted and laughed and shared in what we were doing.

But then you have to say goodbye and hand him back to the other parent. And that hurts so much. I wonder why i even bother. Surely a clean and utter break would be so much better for all of us.

Having my son makes the days so much easier to face. But it still doesn't fix the nights. And waking from Dreams knowing they were haunted by the Ex Hurts just as much. It sometimes leaves you fearing to even go to bed. And for those that are interested the Dreams can be either about making up or breaking up. And i can't say which leaves me worse.

It doesn't happen every night or every week. Whether my son is with me or not. But it still happens often enough to leave me loathing my bed.

Yes i need help. And no i can't afford professional services. Hell i can barely cover the costs of existing. (Yes i know i'm not alone there, Its just one more plus for having a Partner).
But all i need is a neighbour to care. To call in each evening and say lets go for a walk or a bike ride or a run. Or say make me a Cup of Tea and just yak.

So why don't I go and ask the neighbour. Because that means me breaking down the walls of the prison I made for myself. I'm begging for someone to break in for I am incapable of breaking out.

This is my message in a bottle. I walk a tightrope. I could fall off quite easily. Falling one way could put me in prison. (Details I won't supply) Falling the other will see me finding the guts from somewhere, to just stop. By continuing to walk will see me continue to exist but not live.

My ex threatened That when the two years were up she was filing to make it official. I always said I wouldn't sign. But I have since been advised that I have no say. I wonder whether it will or won't happen.

I know its over but I still can't close the door. And seeing her on a regular basis because of my son does not make it any easier. I've asked her not to come see my son play Soccer in the weekends. So that I wouldn't have to see her. But she won't listen. I wonder again if it would be easier cutting all ties. But I still want my son.

Time heals all they say. So I guess I have nothing left to do or say but wait another two years and see if it gets any better.