Australia/New Zealand Forums 100% Free Online Dating

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot - - Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.

26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of farkin Agriculture in charge of Immigration?


Anyway

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers…

What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow..

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE



15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? .... yep

22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! .. gonna use this one in my job

23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken... brilliant!!

maybe we should put you in charge of this country.. you make more sense than any politician I have ever heard

Jesus, I'm a genius - seriously 6.

But the explinations is probably 'cos at 32 years of age, I had to re-learn to read, write etc after an illness, I still have to concentrate on every word. I knew it would have a silver lining somewhere along the way - I'm also very entertaining after a few drinks 'cos I can come out with anything

Jones' Law
Someone who has done something and is smiling.........


....Has figured out who to blame it on.

Meinier's Law
If the facts do not support the theory they must be disposed of.

Golden rule of Science.
He who has the gold
Makes the Rules.

90%/10% Law of Effort
The first 90% of a task takes 90% of the time.
The last 10% of the task takes another 90% of the time.

Corollary practical application of 90%/10% Law of Effort
the first 10% of effort goes to the task at hand e.g. Undoing tight bolt
90% effort goes to holding your bum cheeks closed.

$1.58 (Zimbabwe Dollar)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE
Ingredients:

4 Laughing eyes

4 Well-shaped legs

4 Loving arms

2 Firm milk containers

2 Nuts

1 Fur-lined mixing bowl

1 Firm banana

Directions:

1. Look into laughing eyes.

2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.

3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.

4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.

5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).

6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat 4 steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:

1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.

2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.

3. If cake rises, leave town.

There was a happily wed husband and wife who had sex every night, but never oral sex. The husband, who wanted to try oral sex with his wife, asked her, "Honey, can you give me oral sex tonight please? We've never tried it before.". The wife, upon hearing this shed a tear out of some unknown fear, the husband, now astonished, asked her beloved why she is crying. The wife replied "I'm afraid that if I give you oral sex, you won't respect me anymore.", but the husband replied "No honey, I'd never do such a thing, I promise.". Relieved, the wife agrees to give her husband oral sex. Later in the evening, the couple begin to have oral sex for the first time. But as they were enjoying their moment, the phone begins to ring, and the husband says "pick up the phone cocksucker."

On his last day on the job, a mailman is greeted by a young housewife who invites him in for breakfast. After the feast she leads him to the bedroom for an extensive sexual romp. Afterward she gives him two dollars. Jeez, says the mailman, this is great, but what's with the two dollars? Well, she replies, since you're retiring, I asked my husband what we should do for you. He said, Fuck him give him a couple of bucks. Breakfast was my idea
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."


So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."


The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.


"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.


The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"


"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.


"Like what?" asked the bartender.


"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.


The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.


So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.


"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.


The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.


"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.


"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.


With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."


The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.


The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.


The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"


The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

You must be surprised that I'm writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing I wouldn't do for humanity! WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU'VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME SHIT LIKE THIS UNDER THE DAMN TREE. AS IF YOU HADN'T FUCKED ME ENOUGH, YOU GAVE THAT LITTLE SHITHEAD ACROSS THE STREET SO MANY FUCKING TOYS, THAT HE CAN'T EVEN WALK INTO HIS DAMN HOUSE! PLEASE DON'T LET ME SEE YOU TRYING TO FIT YOUR BIG FAT ASS DOWN MY CHIMNEY NEXT YEAR! I'LL FUCK YOU UP! I'LL THROW ROCKS AT THOSE STUPID ASS REINDEERS OF YOURS, AND SCARE THEM THE FUCK AWAY, SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WALK YOUR BIG FAT ASS BACK TO THE NORTHPOLE, JUST LIKE I HAVE TO DO SINCE YOU DIDN'T GET ME THAT FUCKING BIKE, YOU PUNK BITCH!! YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA, FUCK YOU!! NEXT YEAR YOU'LL FIND OUT HOW BAD I CAN REALLY FUCKING BE...YOU'VE BEEN SLEEPING ON A MOTHERFUCKER FAR TOO LONG! SO WATCH YOUR BACK NEXT YEAR, YOU FAT BITCH!

Sincerely, Johnny

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

The Perfect Day - Her
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him
6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"


The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"


The bartender congradulates him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house."


The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.


Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.


I didn't know how
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.


I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.


And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once
The white stuff came.


At last it's finished.
It's all over now.
My first time ever,
At milking a cow

Poor Frank

---

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have s*x. After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough s*x.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?'

what have we let loose here

There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."


Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.


I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"


The old woman fainted

One day little Johnny comes upon his grandfather enjoying a beer. Johnny asks, "Granpa, can I have some of your beer?" To which his grandfather replies, "Well that all depends, can your dick touch your asshole?" Slightly shocked, Johnny says, "No, grandpa" "Then you're not man enough" his grandfather replies promptly.

The next day Johnny sees his Grandfather smoking a cigar. He asks him, "Grandpa, may I smoke a cigar?" Again his grandfather replies "Can your dick touch your asshole?" and, again, Johnny says no.


The third day Johnny's grandfather sees little Johnny eating some fresh baked cookies. He says, "Hey there Johnny, can you give me a cookie?"


Johnny asks, "I don't know grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?"


His grandfather proudly replies, "Why yes, yes it can"


Johnny says, "Well then go fuck yourself, because grandma made these cookies for me"

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.50
Hand Job: $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.


"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"


"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"


"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."


The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. 'Mrs
Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?' 'Sure,'
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.


When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
Back and forth.


The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
Grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.


After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top Of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.


The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'


The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.' The landlord nodded and
said,



'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."


The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."


The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!"

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.


Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'


Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.


'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.


A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'


Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'


The policeman fainted

21 things to think about......

1. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.


3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.


4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.


5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.


6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.


8. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.


10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.


12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.


13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.


14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.


16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.


18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.


20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.


21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.