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gee whiz i bet it takes a while for you to run out of yarns at the pub

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.


* If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.


* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.


* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.


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transferred to the mother ship.


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will tell you which number to press.


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number you press, no one will answer.


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pound key until a representative comes on the line.


* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address,
telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and
your mother's maiden name.


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the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for
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* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.


* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are
too busy to talk to you."


* If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up

Beware of this new scam at safeways car parks.

There is a new scam going round at safeways carparks where you may be approached by 2 sexy girls who ask for a lift home. When you take them home they both have wild sex with the person. Be careful this is not a joke. They got me twice last Thursday, once on Friday and four times on saturday.

A lawyer from the big smoke heads out bush for a weekend away.
Coming to the end of a small country road the lawyer slows his top of the range Mercedes at the stop sign then seeing nothing coming pulls out and continues on his way.
What he didn't see was the cop pulled over in the parking bay just up the road.
The cop pulls the lawyer over and informs him that as he failed to come to a complete stop at the stop sign he is going to book him.
The lawyer then states "But I slowed right down and there was nothing coming so it amounts to the same thing!"
The cop says "The Law states that you must come to a complete stand-still at a stop sign and slowing down is not acceptable."
The lawyer thinking he knows more about the Law than a small town cop continues to argue the case that slowing right down is the same as stopping to all intensive purposes using obscure legal precedences.
Eventually the cop gets fed up with this guy and says "If I can prove to you the real difference between stopping and slowing down will you accept the fine."
The lawyer, knowing there is no legal argument the cop can use, agrees.
Suddenly the cop pulls out his trudgeon and starts beating the hell out the lawyer.
After about ten minutes the cop looks at the lawyer and asks "So, do you want me to stop or slow down?"

The Donkey in the Well.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.

As every shovel of dirt hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

The Moral:

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to
getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

O.K., that's enough of that BS! The donkey later came back,
Caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the living hell out of him. Then he went over to each of his neighbours farms and kicked the hell out of those mongrels for helping.

The REAL Moral:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, "Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?" The wife replies, "Cut it off and shove it up his arse!" The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, "It fucking hurts doesn't it!"

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."

A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the fucking pots!"

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.


"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."


"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."


"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."


"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"


"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."


"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"


Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."


At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.


"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."


"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.


"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.


"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.


"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"


"Of course, my son," said the priest.


The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"


Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"


Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.


The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"


Paul says, "All over your back!"

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"


Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I w a s a l m o s t m a r r i e d."


The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."


The answer comes, "Y e s I w e n t t o a d o c t o r a n d h e t o l d m e t h a t i f I
s p e a k s l o w l y I w i l l n o t s t u t t e r."


The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.


"W e l l m y f i a n c e e a n d I w e r e s i t t i n g o n h e r p o r c h a n d t h e d o g w a s s c r a t c h i n g h i s b a c k a n d I t o l d h e r t h a t w h e n w e a r e m a r r i e d
s h e c a n d o t h a t f o r m e a n d s h e t h r e w t h e r i n g i n m y f a c e."


"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.


"W e l l, I s p e a k s o s l o w l y t h a t b y t h e t i m e s h e l o o k e d a t t h e d o g,
h e w a s l i c k i n g h i s b a l l s!"

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."


They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."


She says, "Thank you."


He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"


She says, "Go ahead."


He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"


She says, "Of course."


He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."


These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."


The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."


The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!


She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."


She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.


He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"


"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."



A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.


After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.


"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."



A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"


"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before.


Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"


The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"



There was this guy who really took care of his body and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, which he readily decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. About that time two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane.

On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it round with he cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying,


"There is no justice in the world."


The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?"


The first little old lady said, "look at that."


When I was 20..... I was curious about it


When I was 30..... I enjoyed it


When I was 40..... I asked for it


When I was 50..... I paid for it


When I was 60..... I prayed for it


When I was 70..... I forgot about it


And now that I am 80, the damned thing is growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.


Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."


The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."


The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.


The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.


"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.

A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis.
The surgeon examined him and asked, "What happened?"

"Well, doc, I live in a trailer camp," the man explained, "And from where I am I can see this lovely chick next door. She's blonde and built like a brick shithouse. She's so horny that every night I see her take a hot dog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the floor of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the hot dog."


"And?" prompted the doctor.


"Well, I felt this was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I got under the trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole, I removed it and substituted my dick."


"It was a great idea and everything was going well. Then someone knocked at the door, she jumped off my hot dog and tried to kick it under the stove."

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked except for a lemon between her legs.
The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

The wife gave him a weird look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, Im going as a dictator".

---

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his
wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jay birds
fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," the old lady snickered, "What do you say...should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied the old man. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in your oatmeal!"

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."


Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."


The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.


Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.


Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"


Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

What's the difference between anxiety and panic?

- anxiety is the first time a man can't get it up the second time.



- panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.

---

There are three guys drinking in a pub, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while, he approaches the group of lads and pointing at the one in the middle shouts, "I've shagged your mum!"
The three guys look bewildered as the man resumes his drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back.
"Your mum's sucked my cock!" The same thing happens - he then continues to drink, alone at the bar.
Ten minutes later he's back again and announces, "Oi! I've had your mum up the arse!"
By now the young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Look dad, you're drunk, now piss off home!"

---

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

---

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."


The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time

Well looks like you guys have had enough of my jokes so ile let yas recover for a while