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Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'rodeo'

His friend said no. what is that?

Well you mount your wife from behind, reach round and cup her breasts with both hands and say, 'boy those are almost as nice as your sisters!'

Then see if you can hold on to her for 8 seconds

Sydney man sees job advertised as a pussy waxers assistant. Job includes 'remove ladies knickers, prepare the pussy for waxing & then rub in oil after waxing'. The man rings up about the job and is told to go to Perth. He asks 'is that where the job is?'

They reply.. 'no that's where the back of the farking queue is'

NOT FOR THE WEEK STOMACHED ....BUT READ ON ANY WAY.

Whatt is the biggest pick up line in a gay bar?


Can i push your stool in!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."



A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I cancelled it and bought the calf."

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, but he also wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled,




'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

One for the parents amongst us


BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
______________________________________________________
The Baby clothes:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and
fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard
only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up
the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing
______________________________________________________
Dummies:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Nappy changing:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need
it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older
child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for
the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
pocket money!

A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager
thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:
1.. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment..
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble 98 year old woman client

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing..

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Don't know what they did up there
But now they have a daughter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water.
Jill the dill forgot the pill
And now they have a daughter.

Jack be nimble Jack be quick
But Jill prefers the candlestick!

Mary had a little lamb
it's fleece was white as snow
and everywhere that Mary went
the lamb was sure to go.

But Mary saw the price of meat
and that sure didn't please her.
She's having leg of lamb tonight
The rest is in the freezer.

Mary had a little lamb
The doctors were surprised
but when old MacDonald had a farm
they couldn't believe their eyes!

Humpty Dumpty was pushed!

Little Bo Peep did it for the insurance!

what monster did I create

I found this on another forum, and thought I'd share it here

Sung to the tune of I WILL SURVIVE


At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t,
Just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!


I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!


I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything - let alone from a little boy, says 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time ?'

Boy - '350'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days lat er, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a 600.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that.
'That's many many, times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says,

'Don't start that sh* t again you little pr*ck, you're in my f.......ing cupboard now'!!

Bill decided to have a party where his guests were asked to come as
different emotions. On the night of the party, the first guest arrived
and Bill opened the door to see Bruce covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. Bill said to Bruce, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" Bruce said, "I'm green with envy". The host replied, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrived and Bill opened the door to see Carol covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her more intimate parts. He said to Carol, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" Carol replied, "I'm tickled pink." Bill said, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

The doorbell went again and there were two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick,
standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear. Bill was really shocked and said, "What the hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replied, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick, here, has just come in despair!"

WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN !!!!


HE : Can I buy you a drink?
SHE : Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE : I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE : I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE : Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE : Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.

HE : Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE : Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

the only joke I can remember, anyone know the answer

Question. Why don't witches wear knickers

In the bathroom getting ready for her appointment with her gynaecologist Mrs Jones quickly grabs the washcloth sitting on the sink and gives herself a freshen up down below.

At the appointment, with Mrs Jones up in stirrups the gynaecologist says to her "My, you did dress up today, didn't you?!"

Puzzled, she doesn't say anything and he goes about his business. She dresses, pays the bill and still puzzling goes home.

At home her 16yr old daughter is in the bathroom getting ready to go out with friends. On hearing her mum come home, she calls out to her "Muuuum have you seen my washcloth with the sparkle glitter on it?"

The gynaecologist, feeling a bit jaded with his job decides to go to Tafe to become a car mechanic.

He enjoys the new study and work and has no worries when final exams of rebuilding a car engine, come around.

Next week at Tafe, the marks are up and he finds he got 150%.

Happy but confused, he asks the examiner why he got the extra marks because he thought he'd a pretty ordinary job of it.

The examniner tells him " You're right, you did do a pretty ordinary job of rebuilding the engine. The extra marks are because you



























did it all through the exhaust pipe!"

Ok Molly I give up

Why don't witches wear knickers?

answer: So they can get a better grip on the broom handle