Australia/New Zealand Forums 100% Free Online Dating

Good one Blonde wish i could remember some, in one ear and out the other, but these 2 are funny as

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been
employed there for a number of years when he
came home one day and confess to his wife that
he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge
to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His
wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be
too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home
absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once
that something was Seriously wrong. "What's
wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle
slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?" she asked.

"I got fired." he replied.

"What happened to the pickle slicer?" she then
asked.

"Oh, she got fired too."

One day a man goes to his doctor complaining that
his dick is too small, so the doctor prescribes
some medication for him. The man begins the
medication at once, but it does not work, so he
goes back to the doctor, and tells him that it
is not working. So the doctor increases the
medication dosage.

A couple of days later, still no effect, so the
man decides to take the remaining medication,
all at once. The next day, the man races back
to the doctor, sayin, "Doctor!, Doctor, it is too
big, what am I going to do? I have to go to a
football game tonight with my girlfriend." The
doctor tells him, not to worry, just paint it
and wear it like a scarf."

The man does just that. During the game, his
girl gets excited by the action and starts to
scream and jump while holdin onto his neck.
Then suddenly, a loud voice from behind them
says,

"ALRIGHT, WHO IS THROWING THE YOGURT!!"

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony
wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says "A
beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says
Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

---

Did you hear about the dyslexic suicide ... would that be "suicider"???

He jumped behind a bus.

Keep em commin guys how on earth do you remember all that but my god some of them are sooooooo funny

THE PISSED OFF COWBOY

Shortly after round-up the cattle were loaded into box cars and shipped to Chicago for sale. Each box car had an attendant to care for the stock. One of these cowboys is the subject of this joke.

Following the unloading of the cattle, the cowboy headed to a restaurant for dinner. The only seat left was next to a good looking lady, well educated, wealthy and about 25 years old. He couldn't help overhearing her give this order.

"I'll have Breast of Virgin Fowl, make sure it's a virgin, catch it yourself. Garnish my plate with young spring onions, and then I'll have coffee, not too sweet, not too strong and, Oh yes waiter, open the windows, I think I smell a horse there must be a cowboy in the house!"

Completely pissed off and not to be outdone the cowboy placed his order.

"I'll have a Duck, makes sure it's Fucked Duck, Fuck it yourself. Garnish my plate with Horse Shit, & a cup of coffee as strong as Texas Mule Piss, and blow the foam off with a Fart and, Oh yes waiter, knock down the walls, I smell Cunt, there must be a Whore in the House !"

There were 2 hillbillies in a bar. They both had
on overalls with no clothes underneath (including
underwear). As they were drinking their beers,
this lady started choking on some peanuts. So the
first hillbilly said to the other, "Quick pull
down your overalls!" The second hillbilly does it
and the first one starts to lick the second one's
behind. Suddenly the lady stopped choking. Upon
witnessing what happened, the first hillbilly
said, "See, I knew that Hind Lick maneuver would
work!"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.

"On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest, ugliest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

Then I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the shit out of you!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

“Couple of minutes ago."

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plonks herself down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family ?"
.
"It was ," sighed the Sister."And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
.
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
.
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
.
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
.
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted ... and the ball hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"
.
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme Sister ?"
.
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
.
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother.
.
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
.
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 4 inches from the cup!"
.
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said ... ..
.
.
"You went and missed the f***ing putt, didn't you ?"

Dyslexic pimp.......

Bought a warehouse......

Old McDonald was dyslexic.....

I--O--I--O--E--...........

A woman was in a coma. She had been there for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area when she noticed there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She tried it again, and sure enough there was a small recognisable movement.

The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,'as crazy as it sounds, maybe a little oral sex will stimulate her
enough to bring her out of her coma'.

The husband was sceptical, but when they assured him that they would
close the curtains for privacy, he finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flat-lined - no pulse,no heart
rate. The nurses ran back into the room.'What happened?,' they cried.


The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she choked ???'

The Power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.

The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink, so Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully telling the son he is proud of him, and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into rapturous applause and whoops of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.

Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!

Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Plop! Plip!!

Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then staggers to the right, then staggers through the front door and into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,



"He should've quit while he was a head!"

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf and promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary... Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million pounds a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon f*cking each other like crazy - the genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies ???"

Talking Dog

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a f*cking liar. He never did any of that shit."

On the way to work this morning, it was raining and the roads were slippy and I shunted a car stopped at a traffic light.

I thought the car was parked because I couldn’t see a driver, but then the car door opened and the other driver got out of the car, and he was a dwarf

He looked at his rear bumper and shook his head, then he walked up to my window and said, "I am not happy"...

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom
could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old
physician. After about an hour's examination the physician came out and
told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the pope had a rare disorder of the testicles,
which if left untreated, would be fatal.

The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have
sex.

Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at
length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the
situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree, but under four
conditions."

The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the
noise a single voice asked, "And what are the four conditions?"
The room stilled. There was a long pause.

The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see
with whom she is having sex."

"Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is
having sex."

"And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with
whom she is having sex, she can tell no one."

After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth
condition?"

The Pope replied, "she must have big tits."