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A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date for a very long time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a local Chinese sex therapist.

Upon entering the examination room, the therapist looked her up and down, thensaid, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down on hans and knees and craw reery, reery fass to udderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

The therapist then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did so, the therapist shook his head slowly.

"Is there a problem ?" asked the woman.

"Yes, your probrem vewy bad" said the therapist " You haf the Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf any dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, what is the Ed Zachary Disease?"

The therapist sighed deeply and replied,

"The Ed Zachary Disease when your face wook Ed Zachary wike your arse."

I really shouldn't be laughing but that was funny

What, only the last one was funny ???

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go on, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

That's all folks.......zzzzzzzzzzzz

One for the girls.......

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Bob, sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda.'

When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Bob, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think, what with all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by a Police car.

The police officer approaches him and asks:

"Excuse me sir, have you been drinking?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You're driving was fine. It was the fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

The Hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hitman," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her .......... He's naked as well! The bastards - both of them!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a so called mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.....

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart-arse. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the microphone and starts to sing... "A jazz chord... to say... I ruv you..."

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mum and dad shagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It's ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that's all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking his father off.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there's been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a new car.

Doctor, doctor, please kiss me," says the patient.

"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," says the doctor.

Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please, kiss me just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't" he says.

Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, please kiss me!"

"Look," says the doctor, "it's completely out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f_cking you……….."

A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "Open the safe!"

"But this is not a real bank," the woman replies "it's a sperm bank."

"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.

The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.

"Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says.

"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.

"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"

The woman opens the bottle and drinks it.

"Now take another bottle and drink it!"

"But sir, I just drank one."

"Drink another one or I will shoot you!"

The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.

"Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"

And on the second day God says to Adam,

"I have some news...........some good, some bad"

"Well tell me the good news first", says Adam.

"Alright my son," says God"

"The good news is I will give you both a brain and a penis... but the bad news is I can only give you enough blood to run one at a time"

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying,"I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I love you, dear."

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest tits.

Bloke goes to the doctors and the doctor says 'Can I help ?'

And the bloke says 'I hope so'

And doctors says 'What's the matter ?'

And the bloke says 'I think I'm a moth'

And doctors says 'You think you're a moth ?'

And the bloke says 'Yes, I think I'm a moth'

And doctors says 'Then it's a psychiatrist you should be going to see '

And the bloke says 'I know, I was on my way there.......but your light was on........'

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'

Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'

The judge continues, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'

Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'You bastard.'

The judge says, 'Now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt, now what is the problem?'

Then the man at the back of the court says, 'Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and everytime I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

Time to reflect........

What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death last week of a very important showbiz personality which almost went unnoticed.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote the immortal "Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

Monday's funeral, however, turned into disaster.

The most traumatic part for the family was actually getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - and it was all downhill from then.....

Scientists today finally completed the exhumation of Beethoven from his grave.

When they opened the coffin, however, they were astonished to see him playing the piano backwards.

When asked what this meant, a spokesperson explained that he was de-composing.............

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to the Dog & Partridge with me and have a drink?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting at the top of his voice, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Dog & Partridge and have a drink with me?




A little voice came out of the box:...........






"No need to shout, I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f_cking shoes on."

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's tits from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him