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The Train

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying: "All of you bastards who want off, get the f_ck off now, 'cos this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arses on the train now 'cos we're going to f_ck off down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son: "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say:

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Please remember, there is no smoking on this train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added: "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the f_cking kitchen."

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the
sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that
he's on her level, and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fwuffy bwack
wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my
pyfon weally gives a thit."

A plane is flying through a storm when a wing is struck by lightning and the engines fail.

The plane starts to wobble and the captain tells the paasengers to prepare to crash land.

A woman passenger turns to a stranger next to her, rips off her blouse and says to him 'make me feel like a woman one last time'

The bloke rips off his shirt and says 'here, f_cking iron this'………….

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

To make a woman happy a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. master
7 chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27 attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate


WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1. f ### him; and
2. leave him in peace.





the girls are going to kill me for this one!

Hey hey - keep 'em coming.......

A young couple walk into a doctors office,the doctor looks at them and they appear to be quite nervous and jittery so he ask what the problem is.

The young man says "doc would you watch us make love?" the doctor,a bit shocked says ok.

So they get undressed and get straight into missionary on the examination table,after 10 mins they change to doggie,another 10 mins they change to reverse cowgirl and 5 mins later they both explode in orgasm...

the doctor watched them both get dressed and finally he said "I can't see anything wrong with your technique and you both seem very healthy.so what did you expect or want me to say?"

The young man puts his arm around the lady gives her a passionate kiss,and finally turns back to the doctor.

He looks the doctor sqaurely in the eye and say"well it's like this doc,we are both studying fulltime at uni and we still live with our parents.We don't get much time alone,to rent a room at a motel would cost upwards of $80 and we can't afford that.So we looked into the options here"/
The man looks at his partner with a look of desperation on his face before continueing. he says "We figured that you were our last chance.See with the motel costing $80 and seeing you cost only $12 after the medicare rebate,what would you do?"

You should come over to Kizzy's bar for a drink and Jason will give you a lap dance, lol (for my benefit of course)

We want to know you, not your jokes, although they are funny, he he

For all you golfers

Dear Marj,

I have never written to an agony aunt before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, ‘just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I tried to stay awake and look out for her when she came home, but I fell asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife - I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth - but last night she went out again and I decided it was finally time to check up on her. Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from her night out with 'the girls'.

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment that I put my face as close as possible to my golf clubs to try to see better, and as I strained to get a better view, I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.


Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it? I feel very distraught over it.

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Why females should avoid girls night out after they are married:


The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. 'I promise!' were my last words.

Well, the hours passed and the Margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3:00 a.m. and a bit loaded, we piled into a cab and headed for our respective homes. Just as I got through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was particularly proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover my tardiness. (Even when totally smashed .... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos equals MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't raise an eyebrow or anything and continued to read the morning paper. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, 'I think we might need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh, Shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted.'

Ralf

Have I read that right ? A guy will give me a lap dance ?

Or have I missed something ?

Glad you like the jokes........

Mate ignore her,she's just stirring me.
I only give lap dances to the women,Ralfs just sore she hasn't had hers yet...

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."


(but wait, there's more...)


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

Aah - fell for that one, didn't I ?

A bit of the devil in her, that one, has she then ?

Oh, c'mon Jason, I like to watch sometimes

Nah, not a little, a lot

Hmm - devil in disguise, huh ? Hallelujah to that !

devil, angel, you decide, I don't mind some role play!

One for the girls

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive, depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating, she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.

However, when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, scissors stuck in one eye, one testicle crushed by a stiletto heel and a splintered cricket stump shoved up his arse.

Is that another dig at Jason ?