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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

No, I am just a dirty bitch, you'll get used to it!

You know, you really should speak your mind instead of pussyfooting around !

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left ! Could we... ?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning - you f_cking don't."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?

The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you dickhead."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you"

Groan.......

Two brooms were hanging in the closet After a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, and the other, naturally, the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was equally handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife that reads: "Dear wife, I am 54, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Radisson hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year-old secretary."

"When he arrives at the hotel, there is a letter waiting for him that reads: "Dear husband, I, too, am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be in a suite at the Hilton hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year-old boy toy.

As an accountant you'll appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A jellybaby went to a STD clinic 'cos his dick was covered in coconut and liquorice.

The doc said "what on earth have you been up to?"

He replied "F_cking allsorts !!!"

Count Dracula is on the pull in London. He spends the night drinking Bloody Marys in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He is heading for home, wandering around Covent Garden sometime before sunrise when he is suddenly hit on the back of the head.

He looks round and sees nothing.

He looks down and sees a small sausage roll.

Mmmm, he thinks What's going on here. A few yards further on and ..

BANG.
Smacked on the back of the head again!

He whirls round as quick as he can, nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground.

How odd!!

A few yards further along the street and ... crash. Smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can but there is nothing.

He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can.

He feels a sharp pain in his heart.

He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female stood over him.

"Why ?", he utters as his breathing slows.

With his dying breath he gasps, " Who Are You ?

She replies,



"Buffet, The Vampire Slayer."

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid, homophobic schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted…..'he's behind you!'

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding the trail one day and Tonto instructed the Lone Ranger to stop. Tonto jumps down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He's there for a few minutes when the Lone Ranger finally asks whats wrong.

Tonto replies "buffalo come"
Lone Ranger asks "you can hear them?"
Tonto says "no, face sticky"

The real world

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly......he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.Good," she replied. "Get your own f*cking blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman are on the run from the cops
they come around a corner and see three empty sacks so they jump into one each
The cops come blazing around the corner and see the three sacks
the lead cop goes up to the first sack and gives it a swift kick,
the englishman inside the sack goes "meow"
the cop says "must be a sack full of kittens"
so he goes up to the next sack and gives it a swift kick,
the scotsman inside the sack goes "woof"
the cop says "must be a sack full of puppies"
so he goes up to the third sack and gives it a swift kick,
and the Irishman inside it screams out
"POTATOES!!!"

A woman went to a doctor and said, "Doctor, I have a problem - every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm"

The doctor said, "oh really, and what have you been taking for it".

The woman replied, "pepper"

Two ugly birds were grocery shopping and a sign said 'Bananas - 3 for 50 cents'

So they put two in the shopping cart.

One said to the other, "How much will that be a piece?"

The other one said, " That would be fifty cents divided by three, multiplied by two, then divided by two - whatever that comes to."

So the first ugly bird said, " Shit, just get three - that'll be a 25 cents apiece and we can eat the other one"

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me. Yesterday I set off for work leaving my husband
in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down
the road when my engine died and the car slowed to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, he is 34, and we have been married for
twelve years.

When I confronted him, he said that he heard a lady scream and went next
door to rescue her, but found her unconscious. He carried the woman
back to our house, laid her on the bed, and began CPR when she awoke and
immediately began thanking him and kissing him. He was attempting to
break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had
any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair
for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to
him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Susie Fox

*************

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of things. Start by checking for debris in the fuel line. If it
is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold
for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could
be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps,

Ted

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite
her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the
driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I
grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that
said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost
it."

A man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months and his wife had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him with her ear cupped to his mouth, he whispered weakly, "You know something ? You have been beside me most of my life - all through the bad times, you have been there by my side. You remember just how fit and handsome I was when we married but I was quickly troubled by ill health, but you stuck with me. Then you comforted me as my family died one by one and when I ost my job, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there, when I was declared bankrupt you were there, and when we lost the house you were there. When, I was mugged you were with me, when I got stabbed you saved me and when I got shot, you stayed right with me. Even when I was hit by a car which put me in hospital and why I am in and out of a coma, you are still by my side.

You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth and she started to sob.

"You're a f_cking jinx."