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A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in when a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast.

The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me."

So the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

That's all folks.......zzzzzzzzzz

The art of cutting & pasteing is not dead .....

Im an expert at it

Indeed - guilty as charged. My InBox is empty now.

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Woolworths with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Security guard says, "Good morning and welcome to Woolworths, nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead ?"

"Absolutely not," replies the Security guard, "I just can't believe
anyone would shag you twice!"

Little Rock, Arkansas - Nov. 12, 2008

Caution! Computers can lead to lead poisoning!

Local man dies from too much lead in his body and dies. The cause was a common computer with the new flat screen. Medical examiner reported six large deposits of lead in the man's body. Police report the he was using his computer to watch porn and cheat on his wife. The wife in a rage shot him six times.

Another of Einstein's Theories

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.

He would be 128 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This came to be known as.......
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Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

This is a story about a couple who have been happily married for many years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he could not stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out!!! The years went by and he continued to rip them out!! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for
dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep; she looked at the bowl
where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl
and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently
pulling back thebed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his short.Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!!! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in
his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,"Honey, you were right. All those years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you". "What do you mean?" Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in!!!!

Har de har - LMCO (well, nearly off.....)

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this...

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.

He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he
looks at the check.

'But sir,' he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have.'

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more - 'you foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

'Hey, cool a down a lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' about a sex?'

'I'm a just a tellin' a my friend a how to spell a Mississippi'
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10 bucks says you're gonna read this again.............

hahahaa too damn funny

hope you take rainchecks on the 10 bucks ...

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'you've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'you've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'you're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road'.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft - it duly sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.........

Baby Polar bear sat on the edge of the ice-cap with it's mum.......



Baby Polar Bear: Mum, what am I ?

Mum Polar Bear: What do you mean what are you - you're a Polar Bear

Baby Polar Bear: I know that, but am I all Polar Bear?

Mum Polar Bear: What do you mean are you all Polar Bear - of course you are......

Baby Polar Bear: But am I not part Brown Bear ?

Mum Polar Bear: Nope.....

Baby Polar Bear: Or part Black Bear ?

Mum Polar Bear: Nope.....

Baby Polar Bear: Not even part Grizzly Bear ?

Mum Polar Bear: Nope.....why do you ask ?

Baby Polar Bear: 'Cos I'm f_cking freezing....................

God made beer for that very reason......

Works both ways, mate - I think, perhaps the women need the beer more than us.....

Gynecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more; 'Can you give me some more details?'
he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the
ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of
their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to
Albuquerque New Mexico . That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Good grief, is that where the job is?'

'No sir --- that's where the end of the line is right now'.