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This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...




This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six-mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise; there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella' s door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart. ’Who’s fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

I always thought it was the Theory of Relative Humidity

You've all heard of it, "The sweat a Guy gets under his Balls when he's been farking his cousin"

Woman walks to the bathroom with spunk dripping for both corners of her mouth - what does that tell you ?




















The floor's level.....

Two workers talking at the lunch-break...
First guy says, "What makes you think your wife is getting tired of you?". Other responds, "She keeps wrapping my lunch in a road map!"

The scene : It's a warm summer evening, a park bench, a young man and a young woman.
The dialogue :
He; Some moon
She; A nice moon
He; Some stars
She; Twinkly stars
He; Some grass
She; Nice green grass
He; Some dew
She; I don't

The latest stock market report
Trading is heavy
Stocks are advancing
Rails and utilities are up
And things are on the rise over at the Sperm Bank

bit of a hint

And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started. . .
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started. . ....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95
I told her the beer would make her look bet ter at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ..
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed m y heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

oh fark Ralf i'd b golden glove champ after most of those

A beautiful woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.



Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers;



The woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live

together in peace for the rest of our days'.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!



But you're still at fault. ..women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this

bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.' Lets go

behind those bushes and celebrate our survival!!

They go behind the bushes and she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.



The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

MORAL OF THE STORY:




Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with them!!

The 5 Most Important People in a Woman's Life...
1. The doctor- because he says, "Take off your clothes"

2. The dentist- because he says, "Now open wide"

3. The hairdresser- because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"

4. The milkman- because he says, "Do want it in the front or in back?"

& 5. The banker- because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest"

Two men talking at the local:
"I hear they had a beer drinking contest here last night. Did you win?" Second man says, "No - but I came in sickened".

A friend of mine has switched to drinking whisky and carrot juice. He still gets just as drunk but he can see to find his way home much better now.

Host at the party: "Would you like some grapes?"
Guest replies: No thank-you, I don't like taking my wine in pills".

Two British astronauts landed on the moon, and one of them went off to look for a pub.
"Any luck?" said the second astronaut when his mate returned half an hour later.
"There's only one pub in the whole place", said the first astronaut.
"Is it any good" asked his pal.
"No!" said the first astronaut. "No atmosphere!"

Two cows in a paddock:
First cow says, "You're not looking too well this morning".
Second cow replies, "I was up all night at a party and I've got a terrible hang under"

A True Story...
When NASA first started sending astronauts into space, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and 12 billion USD to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls his mobile phone from his pocket and dials 000. He quickly tells the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm voice replies:"Take it easy. I can help. First of all, lets make sure he's dead."
There is silence on the phone, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"