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why do squirrels swim on there backs?


























to keep there nuts dry of course

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Knickers

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?

Mum said : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your Knickers".

Susie said: " I know they do that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my dick and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid bitch...why else would I buy dog food??

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,

'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot To an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the Gentleman who is seated over there'... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, Not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, Took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, You need to have a Mercedes in your garage, A million dollars in the bank, And At least 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, A BMW Z8, A Mercedes CL600, And a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But ... Not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.

Just send the bottle back.'

There is a hidden message in here
somewhere ..lol


Kizzy

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus...

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that the
octopus can play any musical instrument in the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs and calls him an idiot.

"Ok, I'll give £10 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't
play.
A man walks up with a guitar and gives it to the octopus.

The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric
Clapton. The guitar owner pays up.
Another man walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the
trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up.
Then Jock puts some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the
bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha! Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says: "Play it? I'm going to shag it as
soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

One day on his way home from work a father suddenly remembers that

> it's his daughter's birthday.

>

> He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the saleswoman, 'How much for one

> of those Barbies in the display window?'

>

> The saleswoman replies, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We

> have:

> Work out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie

for

> $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

> Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced

> Barbie for $265.95.'

>

> The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie

> $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

>

> The annoyed saleswoman rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

> 'Sir... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat,

> Ken's furniture, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain

> made with Ken's balls.'

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.

But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!


I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!


When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she
had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him crazy the whole time with his incessant yelling,
cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!

Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers


A man, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, Pa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single stupid bastard, wanker or bloody idiot anywhere we went today!'

Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it

An email i just got.....

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"


From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1.Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days..

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..Really

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as FOOTBALL or

motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.

A prostitute, who was also a Cricket fan, had a tattoo of Brett Lee and Shane Warne on the inside of her thighs.

She says to one of her regular customers, "If you can guess who they are, you get a free shag".

He looks to the left and then to the right and says "I dunno who those ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair is Andrew Symonds!"

Blonde LOGIC:

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking........ And one blonde says to the other, "Which do
You think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can
You see Florida...?????"


CAR TROUBLE:

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She Says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?


SPEEDING TICKET:

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
Together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK:

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE:

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and
Screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


KNITTING:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN:

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said The Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A BLONDE GENIE


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is thickly covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. . . He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be filthy rich, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke ?"!!!
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler, and 5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously,
" Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke ?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;
" Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

IRISH SAUSAGES



Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.




Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'




He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.




Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'




Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'




He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.




Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'




Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '




They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'




The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.




They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.




At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm droonk and me knees are killing me!'




Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I'm so droonk, I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'