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Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-alec student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99

Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read

Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.

Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.

Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.

Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.

Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.

very clever......

Definition of the bravest man in the world


The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and
smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside
and says: "You're next, fatty."

********************************

Brave Men ............

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm
while his wife is lying in bed reading......
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

********************************

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400
for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on £800 a year".

*********************************

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her
marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet $20,000 on a

Single roll of the dice.



She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier

When I'm completely nude." With that, she strips from the neck

Down,

Rolled the dice and yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed,

YES! YES!

I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and

Her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other

Answered,

"I don't know -I thought you were watching."





MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are Men

CATHOLIC EDUCATION

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in maths. His parents tried everything....tutors, flash cards, special learning centres ... In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades just wasn't working.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.
After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying.
Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again.
With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math! She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room. "So, what was it? Was it the nuns?", she asked.
Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head,"No".
"Was it the books... the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"
Little Tommy again shook his head, "No".
"Then, what was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered,
"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't f___ing around".

WHAT IS BROWN AND STICKY - A STICK

HOW DO YOU GET A THOUSAND JEWS IN A MINI - IN THE ASHTRAY

A TRUCK LOAD OF COCONUTS OVERTURNS ON THE ROAD. A GROUP OF SKINHEADS WERE SEEN STOMPING ON THEM. THEY WERE TRYING TO GET THEM BEFORE THEY HATCHED

WHY IS A PARK BENCH BETTER THAN MEXICAN - IT CAN SUPPORT A FAMILY

A typical day's conversation between George W. and Condoleeza Rice!
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Correct use of verbs and nouns

A boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.

She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said 'Mary, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off .'

Mary replied, "Could you just jack off? I have a terrible headache right now."

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted: 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.'

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had got into trouble at school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.
Barry's mother, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God, and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,

Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Your friend,

Barry.


Barry knew he could not send this letter to God either. Barry was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. 'Just be home in time for dinner,' his mother said. Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 4:

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND A RED BIKE!!!

So there's a bar that has a mgic mirror. This item can detect if your telling the truth or not. If it thinks that what your saying is a lie, it will suck you into itself.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and she was instantly sucked up.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think…' and it sucked her in.

A Queensland jackeroo is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo. 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a flock of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom.



The reception says, shall I put them on your bill?


Daffy replies.......



Don’t be thucking thupid I’d thufficate!!!!!!

Crotchless Underwear

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his
Chair arm.

'Want some of this ?' she purred.

'Are you kidding ?' he replied.

'Look what it did to your knickers.'

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.


****

It gets worse........

next year......


2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?

I gotta good hidey hole for harry just to be on da safe side ....

sounds like a plan. now where did i put those frequent flyer points

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you
can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on
the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- even has to work more at weekends and holidays
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied ... for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- needs continuous attention to perform at work;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work;
- sometimes leaves work, too early

Although it is noted that:

Often arrives much earlier than expected
Shows an inordinate keenness to work
Willing to work at extraordinary times without much persuasion
Happy to try out new jobs in different positions
Prefers working without any special clothing
Always happy to try alternative locations

THE BLIND CASHIER

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you

need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good

all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realises there is no way the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."