Australia/New Zealand Forums 100% Free Online Dating

A man and a lady are sitting at a bus stop, the man goes over to the woman and asks "Can i smell your pussy?"
Horrified the woman replies "Absolutely not!!!"
The man sits back down and says..
"Oh, It must be your feet then...."

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some viagra
'Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said Dan the pharmacist
'But a quarter tablet will not give you an erection'
'I am 96' said the old man. 'I dont want an erection'
'I just want it sticking out far enough so I dont piss on my slippers'

THE ITALIAN SECRET FOR A LONG MARRIAGE

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The Priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and
write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.



On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce!!

Blonde Cookbook

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper

Wednesday: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young Mothers and their small children.
You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Lets pick Willy up from school and go home.

Don't know who to feel more sorry for

One for the rugby tragic's.

GO QUEENSLAND !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Two boys in Brisbane playing football in the park when one of the boys is attacked by a savage Rottweiler.

Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar, and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A Courier Mail reporter hears about the incident and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Young Lions Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,"
he starts writing in his notebook.

But I'm not a Lions fan," the little hero replies.

"Sorry, since we are in Brisbane just assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts again.

"Bronco's Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack!” he jots in his notebook.

"I'm not a Broncos fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter starts again: "Maroons Supporter Risks Life In Heroic Rescue"

"I'm not a Maroons fan either," the boy responds.

"I assumed everyone in Brisbane was either for the Lions, Broncos or the Maroons.

What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asks.

"We are both from Sydney and I'm a Blue's fan," the boy says.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little Redneck Cockroach Bastard Vandalises Fence And Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Freddy Fittler, after round 10 and the Roosters struggling, finally decided he needed a bit of help with his coaching... So he wandered down to have a chat with Wayne Bennett at training...

He said "Wayne... I need help, tell me what I can do to turn this poor form around!!!"

Wayne said "Look, Freddy, youve been around a long time...but ill give you a tip. You have to make your players intelligent... Wait ill explain."

Bennett says "Wendell, come over here big fella! Who is your mother and father's child, but its not your brother or sister?"

The Big Dell has a little chuckle and says "Thats easy...its ME!", and he jogged back off to the boys.

Fittler is amazed...so he takes his new advice back to training.

"Braith" he says..."Come over here mate?! Got a question for ya! Who is your mother and father's child, but its not your brother or sister...?"

Braith looks really puzzled...concedes and says "Freddy give me some time to think about it and ill get back to ya!"

Freddy says "Alright. Ill ask you again tomorrow."

Braith is really confused that night and decides to ask Gus Gould...he's a smart fella. So he calls him up...

"Gus, its Braith, I got a question mate... Who is your mother and fathers child, but its not your brother or sister...?! Its really got me puzzled."

Gus says... "Thats easy mate, its ME!" Braith is a happy boy, so he goes back to training the next day ready to deliver the goods.

Braith goes up to Freddy and Freddy asks the question again...

"Alright Braith, who's your mother and fathers child but its not your brother or sister!!!"

Braith lets out a grin and says "Thats too easy, I should have got it straight away!!! Its Gus Gould!!!!"

Fittler snaps back knowing his team now has no hope at all for 2009...






"No, you idiot!!! Its Wendell Sailor!!!"

Men are likes tiles....You lay them well first and then you can walk all over them.

Chinese Proverb. Man who go through turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok.

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St.Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya's!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

IT & management

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady. "Excuse me madam, would you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be in IT." Said the balloonist.

"Actually I am." Replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well..." Answered the balloonist... "Everything you have told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip!"

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I certainly am." Replied the balloonist. "But how do you work that out?"

"Easy!" Said the woman. "You have no idea where you are or where you're going. You have risen to your present position due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, yet somehow, it's my f* * *ing fault..."

Heres one for you Ralf

What have breasts & model electric trains got in common

They are both designed for children but men play with them

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"
The wife yells back to him,

"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS"

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company called at a house and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
"I'm doing some research for Vaseline" he said. 'Have you ever used the product?'
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex," she said.
The researcher was a little taken aback.
"Usually, people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain, or to lubricate the gate hinge.
But, in fact, I know that many people do use it for sex.
I admire you for your honesty.
Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....
Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.
Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".
Barry the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
_________________

Did you hear about the dyslexic, insomniac atheist? He stayed awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.