Australia/New Zealand Forums 100% Free Online Dating

Heard these the other day :

Once upon a time, a computer programmer went to the beach for a swim, but he drowned. Many people were on the beach and heard him cry out, "F1, F1". But no one understood.

2 bytes walk into a bar. The first byte says, "I think I may have a parity error". The second byte turns to the first and says, "Yeah, you look a bit off".

4 fonts walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Hey - get out! We don't want your type in here".

Definitions -:

Automatic Shift - When the driver moves closer to his girlfriend.

Advertisement - Something that makes you think you've longed for it for years, but never heard of it before.

Alimony - A mistake by two people paid for by one.

Bra - Something to warm your hands on.

Climate - The best thing to do with a ladder.

Coward - A man who thinks with his legs.

Faucet - What you need to do if the tap won't turn.

Many years ago, the mayor of a small country town went down to the local horse stables as the day of the annual parade approached.
"I'd like to hire the same stallion as last year to lead the parade," he explained to the owner.
"All I have available at the moment, sir, is that mare over there. It's the very one you rode last year," came the reply.
"What, that's impossible," the mayor protested. "It was definitely a stallion. I can still remember some of the spectators shouting, 'It's starting! Here comes the lead horse with that big prick!'"

A recent business graduate from Port Hedland landed a plum job in Sydney.
After a few months, he emailed his parents at home. The message read, 'Made supervisor. Feather in my cap'.
Six weeks later came another email, which said: 'Made management. Feather in my cap'.
A third email followed shortly: 'Fired. Send money for ticket to fly home'.
His parents emailed back, 'No ticket necessary. Use feathers'.

5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom
'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

'Oh, shit mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice,'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be f*cking Coco Pops'

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle,
and I
can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says,

"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then
.."















he said with a deep sigh,....................... ......."Let's put
all
the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Q. What does the chicken say to the duck?

A. Whatever you do, don't cross that damned road. You'll never hear the end of it.

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport.

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area'.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big ol' crap.... Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.... He's gotta land the plane and take a shit first.'

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

' Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?'

' Tammie give it to me' Bubba replied.

'She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?'

'Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! '


'Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!'

A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.
He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again. Eventually a Japanese bloke answers....

"Harro", says the Jappy chappy.


"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.


"I bin on toiret" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.


"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"


"I dust bin on toiret I told you" says the Japanese man.


"Mate", says the dustman..."you're misunderstanding me ... where's your wheely bin?"


"Ok" "Ok", says the Jap, "I wheely bin having a wank"

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.

'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father.
'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well,under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. 'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

' I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK', the Priest replied and lifted his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?' The Priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. 'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'
'Is that true Father?'

'Yes it is, Sister.' 'Oh Father, that's wonderful ...
Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:

"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?

"A. It is money that the federal government will send to Taxpayers.

"Q. Where will the government get this money?

"A. From taxpayers.

"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

"A. Only a smidgen.

"Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

"A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

"A. Shut up."

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

If you spend that money at K-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If you spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer it will go to India.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to South East Asia or New Zealand (unless you buy organic).

If you buy a car it will go to Japan.

If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.

And none of it will help the economy.

We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money here by spending it at garage sales, going to a football game, or spending it on prostitutes, beer or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still here.

Don,t know one but you guys are funny

How the fight started:

I rear-ended a car this morning and I knew right then and there
that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know
it.... he was a dwarf. He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said 'I'm NOT f*#%ing happy!' So I said 'Well, which
f*#%ing one are you then?'

And that's how the fight started......

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Nice one Ralf


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to
take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, riding motorcycles,
fishing, always something more important to me.



Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short
time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.



When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

---

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Manliness Test
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:

A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN SportsCenter.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find
out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex
with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:

A. No big concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth
B. An oxymoron
C. A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. Appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?

A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy.
B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time.
C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
first place.

Scoring Guide:
If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're
a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!

I hope that when i die, i die like my grandfather did, peaceful and in his sleep and not like the screaming passengers in the car......

ohn is mowing his lawn when he sees a new neighbor moving in. He stops and steps to the fence to see what the new neighbor is like. After calling him over, the new neighbor, Bob, tells says that he is a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.

John- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?

Bob- Well, lemme give you an example. I see you have a doghouse. That leads me to believe you have a dog. If you have a dog, perhaps you have children. If you have children, then I would deduce that you have a wife. By having a wife, you are enforcing that you are a heterosexual.

John- That's pretty neat!

They part ways and John goes to talk to another neighbor, Jerry, who is watching the move.

Jerry- New neighbor, huh? What's he do?

John- He's a Professor of Deductive Reasoning at the college.

Jerry- Deductive Reasoning? What's that?

John- Lemme give you an example. Do you have a dog?

Jerry- No

John- Fag!

Definitions: feel free to keep em coming.. I can only remember 3 at the moment.

Innuendo - An Italian suppositry

Condescending - A Greek Paratrooper

Specimen - Italian Astronaut