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A nun, after 60 years of devotion to her Order, dies. She approaches the Pearly Gates and is met by St Peter himself. He comments on her long and virtuous career and says that he is aware of all the good works she has done in her lifetime. As a reward, he tells her that she will be granted the opportunity to return to Earth as anyone of her choice.

The nun knew about this possibility and was prepared. Her life had been so chaste and devout that she had no experiences of relationships as a woman.

St. Peter was surprised when she asked to be able to return to Earth as Sarah Pippelini. He asked his assistant to check what was known about this Sarah Pippelini, assuming she was some minor saint he did not recognise. The assistant returned to say that all data bases had been checked and there was no record of anyne of that name in Heaven's system.

The nun took a newspaper cutting from her pocket in explanation. It read:

"Sahara pipeline laid by 300 workers in 3 weeks....."

you crack me up!

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband (Russell) leans over and asks his wife (Cathy), 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Russ, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, Russ moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, Russell is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge .

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the Bridge crying.

He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. "After all, what do I have to lose?"

Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain ."What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who's stowed me away"

she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe , and he's screwing me."

''He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry. "

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas
present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in
Scotland .
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful
consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

sheeesh

ahhhh thanks ralf i needed that laugh

Adult Fairy Tales

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother
appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated,
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore,
went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,
"How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said,
"No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on
his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

So little red riding hood is skipping through the forest on her way to grannies, when, off to the side of the path she see's the wolf crouching behind a log, the wolf turns and see's her then takes off.

How strange, thinks little red riding hood and continues on her way not even a minute later she see's the wolf again crouched behind another log, again, the wolf see's her and takes off.

Still thinking its strange she continues her journey and as she rounds a bend, there he is... the wolf... crouched behind another log.

Expecting him to take off again little red riding hood stands there and watches him. The wolf takes one look at her and yells "WILL YOU F**K OFF! IM TRYING TO TAKE A SHIT!!!"

T hree Labrador Retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black--were sitting in the vet's waiting room when they struck up conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I go on everything the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I went in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts, too." The dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, mailboxes, whatever. I want to do everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

What's the difference between a fox and a dog?




























about 3 drinks

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausages and tomatoes with freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words", he said, "but
what's the five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you".

"I asked him what to give you".

He said "F**k him. Give him a fiver".

She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea".

Judge Judy Quote............

Judge to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the cheque bounced.'

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
She seductively singnals that he should bring his face closer to hers . When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' the man replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breaths the bartender. 'Is there anything I can do ?'
'Yes, there is. I need you to give him a mesage,' she continues, running her foefinger across his lips and slyly popping a couple of fingers into his mouth allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender manages to say.
'Tell him,' she whispers, 'there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'

2 women in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Pisser!!!

faf

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins .

Take out the instructions from the box and read it carefully . You will notice that in small print there is a statement:



' Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized . '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson &Johnson .'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS! .........Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson &Johnson!!!!!

heres a few more!!!!!


> >
> > A teacher asks her class, 'if there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
> you
> > shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little TONY.
> > He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
> >
> > The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your
> thinking.'
> >
> > Then little TONY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
> >
> > There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
> >
> > One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
> > The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
> > The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
> > Which one is married?'
> >
> > The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
> > that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
> >
> > To which Little TONY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
>
> > wedding ring on,'' but I like your thinking.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
> >
> > 'Why?' asks the father?
> >
> > 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies TONY.
> >
> > 'But that's right!' says his dad.
> >
> > 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
> >
> > 'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
> >
> > 'That's what I said!'
> >
> >
> > LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
> >
> >
> >
> > Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going
> to
> > learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
> > multi-syllable word?'
> >
> > TONY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
> >
> > Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful.'
> >
> > Little TONY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
> >
> >
> > LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR
> >
> >
> >
> > Little TONY was sitting in class one day.
> > All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
> > He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
> >
> > The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in
>
> > this situation.
> > The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
> > Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
> allow
> > you to go.'
> >
> > Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if
> you
> > had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'
> >
> >
> > LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
> >
> >
> >
> > One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
> show of
> > hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same
> sentence
> > twice.
> >
> > First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
> bought
> > my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
> >
> > 'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little
> > Michael.
> >
> > 'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'
> >
> > She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
>
> > little TONY.
> >
> > 'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
>
> > pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
> >
> >
> >
> > LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
> after
> > another.
> > After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
> know
> > eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
> your
> > teeth, and make you fat.'
> >
> > Little TONY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
> >
> > The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
> > Little TONY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever:YOU KNOW WAT THIS MEANS ;P

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology