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so true!

A Flat Stomach........

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'


'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, 'When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.'

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, 'How did it go?'

The man answered, 'Not that well... When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!'

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
hang on to your nuts I give a grat blow job!

Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down!

Why did the Blonde sit on the pub roof?
Cos she thought drinks were on the house!

ewwwww!

A woman goes to her doctor for her annual checkup.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. 'Eight and a half stone,' the woman says.
The nurse puts her on the scales and her weight is actually ten stone.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 8 !!!', she says. The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5'.
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman that it is very high.
'Of course it's HIGH !!!' the woman screams, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender ... Now I'm short and fat !!!'

Air Ireland

As they approached Christchurch 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but oi'll hit de brakes as hard as oi can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul.

The brakes screeched, the tyres squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of
all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus,

"Dat has gat ta be de shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

Men Remember Anniversaries too!!!!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have
gotten out today."

Apartment for Rent

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl
and arranges to spend the night with her for $500.

He spends the night with her but, before he leaves,
tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but
that he will have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,
Calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regrets what he has done,
realising that the whole event was not worth the price.
So, he has his secretary send a cheque for $250 with
which he enclosed the following typed note:


Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because, when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:-
1) it had never been occupied;
2) there was plenty of heat; and
3) it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied:
that there wasn't any heat: and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note,
the girl immediately returned the cheque for $250
with the following note:-

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size
but, if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or I shall be forced to
Contact your present landlady

Maude and Claude, both in their 70's, met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights. "

An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian Barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no.

He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.

So the goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia.

"Melbourne", he tells her.

"So am I. What suburb?" she enquires.

"Glen Iris" he replies.

"That's amazing," she says excitedly, "so am I - what street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering; "What number?"

"Number 20", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this," she screams, "but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN, THINKS AUSTRALIAN.

When my Brother was young
He had no sense
He stuck his Dick
In a electric Fence
It curled his hair
It curled his balls
And made him shit his overalls!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!



A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

Two old blokes, are sitting outside the pub,ones named bob the other bill.bob says to bill,"hey bill,"i feel so old,ivegot aches, pains,sore knees and a toothache,"youre the same age as me bill,how do you feel?. Bill says,"well bob,i feel just like ababy.""Really saysbob.Yeah says bill,"ive got no hair, noteeth,..and i just wet my pants.

'

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow..

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Why men don't write advice columns

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me. Yesterday I set off for work leaving my husband
in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down
the road when my engine died and the car slowed to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor making mad
passionate love to her. I am 32, he is 34, and we have been married for
twelve years.

When I confronted him, he said that he heard a lady scream and went next
door to rescue her, but found her unconscious. He carried the woman
back to our house, laid her on the bed, and began CPR when she awoke and
immediately began thanking him and kissing him. He was attempting to
break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had
any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair
for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to
him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Susie Fox

*************

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of things. Start by checking for debris in the fuel line. If it
is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold
for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could
be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to
the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps,

Ted

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just scratching his nuts-- something she seemed to love to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because,' she replied, 'I really miss mine.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confucius Says;

Man who run in
front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind
car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one
chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with
wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails
to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like
hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in
other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different
to midget.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via email with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little 'Pop-Up' appeared that said

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'You have Male!'

cyber sex at its best ....


priceless!!!