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Giovani is in this country for only 6 months.

He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli
leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and
purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Giovani seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather
shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Giovani, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Giovani answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Giovani, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giovani asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.

He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Giovani, I wear no panties tonight."

Giovani gasps, "Thanka God ...
I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

A woman was walking down the street when a man approached her.
The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.
"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said "That Son-Of-A-Bi#ch had $500 in 20 cent pieces!"

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers the man to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and you'll have an erection for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor replies, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned: it will not work again for a year!"
The man goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

Two Irishmen in London were strolling along Oxford Street. After walking
for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Seamus with a look of amazement on his
face
and says: "Shay, will you have a look at that shop over there: I thought
that London was supposed to be expensive, but that place is as cheap as
chips!"

Seamus says: "Paddy you're right, so you are. Will you have a look at that.
Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00. I think we should buy the lot
and take them back to Ireland. We'd make a tidy profit selling them in
Dublin, so we would." Paddy says in agreement: "Shay, that's as good an idea
as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and
duty
on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks
we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Seamus thinks for a moment and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do
the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the
talking, and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess
we're Irish, so he won't." Right ye be, Shay", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the
talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two Men of Erin go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by
the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Alf Garnett impression:
"Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave twenny of yer Whistle "n" Flutes, twenny Dickie
Dirts, "n" twenny pairs o' trarsies. An' if yer don't mind, I'll be paying
with the 380 Pictures of the Queen in my Sky Rocket."

On hearing this the owner smiles, takes a look at Seamus as well, and then
says: "You're Irish, aren't you?" Quite bemused, Paddy replies "Oh bejaysus,
if that ain't me best English accent! How in God's name did you know we was
Irish?" The owner grins and replies: "This is a dry cleaners."

.....Did He live...???...

J.D

probably not

A blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire! Fireman asks how do we get there?

she replies,


"HELLOOO!!! IN THE FUCKING RED LORRY!!!

______________________________________________________________


A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they gave their wives
for their Christmas. The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond
necklace and a Mercedes Benz. Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two
gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like the
diamond necklace, she can drive her Mercedes Benz to take it back."


The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell
him what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a
dïldo." With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why
did you buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case
she doesn't like the flip flops, she can go fück herself."

________________________________________________________________

A Glesga Burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
"Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress", she says
"Come again" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"Naw" she replies " This time it's mayonnaise!".

_________________________________________________________________

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

A Flat Stomach........

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'


'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.


'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.


She went completely ballistic. "You impotent #$%^*%," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying! to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"


The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:


"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

Staff Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se-hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
Within the given timescale.
Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face.

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
To be at home anyway
Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

A guy was playing golf at a new course and got lost on the front 9.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on..'

She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6..'

He thanked her and continued playing…

On the back 9 the poor bugger got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again, kind of embarrassed.

'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'

She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out.

She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.

'I'm in sales.' she said. He replied, 'no kidding so am I!! What do you sell?'

She said “it's too embarrassing to tell”

But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.

He promised. She said, 'I sell FLUER TAMPONS '.

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.

He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

I sell toilet paper.....

I'm still one hole behind you.'

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f**king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness? actual smiling, laughing happiness? is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlza and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Kathi Aarons
Austin, TX

Husband says: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control your anger?

Wife says: I clean the toilet..

Husband says: How does that help?

Wife says: I use your toothbrush....

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to
live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."

"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed."

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Laxatives, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough."

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"

A blonde walks into a Pharmacy and asks a clerk for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist overhears and is a little bemused. He explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." We just have underarm deodorants.

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."

About an hour later, she returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the deodorant back and reads out loud from the package,


"To apply, push up bottom."

Whats a Definition of suspicious????







Hot Dog with Veins!!!